Freaking Waivers~

So it’s that time of year again boys, girls and gender neutrals…..

FOOOOOZZZZBALL!!!!

Fantasy league up and running.

With the exception of some less than stellar wide receivers and gimpy tight ends, my draft went well and my roster looks lovely.

I decided to drop a certain inconsistent bastard and lo, my mouse locked on scroll and I dropped the wrong player and didn’t pay attention.

DOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHHHHHYYYYYYY sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus WWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYY!

And now I have to hope no one else picks him up in the next two days until he is off waivers.

Fork me in the goat ass.

I hate this game.

😀

Bring it on.

Summer wrap up!

Once upon a time, I would do a wrap up “I have learned” type deal every season/school year/end of summer. Now I maybe get one done once a year, just to take stock and evaluate my personal evolution, growth and to check things off my bucket list. This summer, I have done a few items from each of the previous list and I share (albeit some of them vaguely) with you…

1. I’m back in therapy and the water is good. I have decided to continue working on myself with the aid of a seemingly objective second party. While I enjoy having someone to bounce things off, it’s both alarming and comforting to have found a therapist that reads me a little too well.
2. I managed to not get divorced during a period in my relationship in which every fiber of my being said ‘RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!’ That may sound like a silly thing to be proud of, but given my track record and the fact that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, this is HUGE.
3. I have conquered most of my irrational fears about public transportation and embraced my logical and rational fears about it.
4. I am participating in a practicum, have enrolled in or have taken classes that I previously had no interest in or didn’t want to take because of how uncomfortable they make me. Wahoo! Growth! “real learning begins when we leave our comfort zone….”
5. In re: #2, I had reached my critical mass which is also usually an indicator that a divorce is imminent. However, I have managed to cut weight without cutting the relationship. That is fu**ing amazing.
6. I ran/walked/died throughout an entire 5k on the hottest day of the year. ‘Nuff said.
7. I spoke in front of a group and didn’t die.
8. I learned that I can eat meat and lose weight.
9. I learned that I can NOT eat cheese and bread and NOT die.
10. I have reestablished one of the most important relationships in my whole life, while seeming to lose dependence on another one….this is still being  reconciled within.
11. I have written more poetry this summer than in the previous 5.
12. I have stayed committed to this blog.

I am sure that there are more and I am sure they are much more interesting to me than to you, but maybe something up there can inspire you to change something simple in your world in the quest for a moment of happiness.

“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
~Buddha

Hey fellow bloggers and followers, if you could reblog this for me, that would be LEGENDARY. Thanks for helping me get the word out!

From one Pisces fish to you....

I am participating again in the Cascade AIDS Project: AIDS Walk Portland on September 23, 2012. This year I am organizing my school’s team of walkers, something I am very proud to be able to do!

Personally, I walk because it gives me a chance to feel as though I am actually making a difference, even if it is only in one life, in one day. I personally love being able to fill the gaps in knowledge for teens and adults for that matter, in what HIV/AIDS is, how it is and IS NOT transmitted, that anyone can be affected and how it’s no longer a death sentence. Sharing that knowledge with people has given me more intrinsic rewards than anything I have ever done in my career.

I walk for my children. Working with HIV/AIDS populations have provided me an opportunity to model respect and the power of being…

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All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi….

Not really.

I said that as I typed it and started wondering if that makes me the most interesting woman in the world…..ADD

I digress.

What I really, really craved today (the hardest day thus far on my Dukan journey despite the 16 pound pay off I already have received) was the white wine I was using to cook. It was sooooo difficult to put it back in the fridge and not take a sip. I’ve never actually craved alcohol. I mean, I’ve wanted a drink before for sure. But never craved. LOL

I think it is more of a matter of knowing that I can’t and having the will power to not convince myself to slip once….You know the diet rationalizations, “If no one saw me, I didn’t eat it”…”Just one and it will quell the craving”….”I’ll just taste it and spit it out.”

And then you find yourself binging on everything you can think to put frosting and peanut butter on, sitting in the middle of your kitchen floor, rocking, sobbing, and chewing….

No?

Never?

Ahem.

Uh, me neither.

I was just, you know, using hyperbole.

The twitch….

When no one is looking, I like to dance. Now I realize that despite what I think and my most bestest efforts, I do not look like Shakira. I imagine I look a bit like what a Tracy Anderson workout video would look like if she was convulsing on peyote and/or having a spastic seizure. And you know, I am ok with that. My daughter has caught me a couple of times, which incited fits of laughter each time. But I don’t mind. It makes me feel good.

A typical playlist to make me get all Jim Morrison in my kitchen follows, enjoy.

Good times.

In Greece he spent a year in silence just to better understand the sound of a whisper…..

Today was the first day I got to enjoy the delicious divinity of vegetables in ten days. Oh my. It was quite simply heaven. (finally in the “cruise” phase of the Dukan diet…)

I probably overate.

But you know what? It was all squash so I don’t care.

Yum.

Delightfully non-meat morningstar crumbles.

Sweet purple carrots.

Tender butter lettuce.

Crunchy sweet peppers.

My cherry tomatoes were the bomb too.

Tantalizing marinara with all its basily garlicky goodness….complete with mushrooms and nutritional yeast fake parm….OY

I’m salivating just thinking about it.

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Guilt is a worthless emotion.

I don’t know if you all have been paying attention, but if so, you will know that I have lost 11 pounds in as many days on the Dukan Diet. Yay me.

That being said, it is starting to affect my subconscious.

I dreamed last night the most luscious of dreams.

I was cheating on the husband. My lover (and oh man was he) took me to dinner in New Orleans and I ate shrimp, a proper food for my Dukan Diet.

But dessert……oh, that was pure decadence.

Bananas Foster.

It was DIVINE>

And as I took the last bite, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I felt guilty and began bawling like a wee lass who lost her puppy.

I felt no remorse cheating on my husband. But on my diet? That was more than I could handle.

I think there must be something to the fact that I chose a dessert I have never had and also the fact that it is one that is on fire…..

Oy vei.

Warning! Solicitation for a good cause forthcoming:

I am participating again in the Cascade AIDS Project: AIDS Walk Portland on September 23, 2012. This year I am organizing my school’s team of walkers, something I am very proud to be able to do!

Personally, I walk because it gives me a chance to feel as though I am actually making a difference, even if it is only in one life, in one day. I personally love being able to fill the gaps in knowledge for teens and adults for that matter, in what HIV/AIDS is, how it is and IS NOT transmitted, that anyone can be affected and how it’s no longer a death sentence. Sharing that knowledge with people has given me more intrinsic rewards than anything I have ever done in my career.

I walk for my children. Working with HIV/AIDS populations have provided me an opportunity to model respect and the power of being informed to my children while also providing them the opportunity to be exposed to such a diverse group of individuals. My children have been set on a path of health and personal responsibility and that is something I can never replace.

I walk for my best friend, my friends and others like them living with HIV or AIDS. I can’t walk in their shoes, but I can damn sure walk for them.

Today, you can sponsor me here: http://www.aidswalkportland.org/cap/participantpage.asp?uid=7311&fundid=3069

If all of my followers donated just one dollar to sponsor me, I would meet my goal. If you donate more than a dollar, you are a rock star. Anything helps! The Cascade AIDS Project does amazing things.

And for this one dollar, I didn’t show you any starving children or mistreated animals. That is worth a dollar isn’t it?

Don’t make me break out the Sarah McLachlan….I’ll do it.

Things that go bump in the night:

While I do not claim to be the most rational person, I think on most days I am at least 72% rationale.

However.

There are a few things that despite my rational grownup mind freak me the eff out. In an ongoing attempt to purge irrational fear from my psyche, I offer you this list of my top 11 irrational fears from greatest to least, *handle this knowledge responsibly please*:

1. Spider webs. Spiders, not a biggie. Spider webs, touching me or in my line of sight are enough to induce heart palpitations faster than the first time I saw that b**ch on the ring come crawling out the tv.
2. The shadow next to the bed. I don’t care how old I get, I jump over that. Period.
3. Falling asleep in a car as a passenger. Don’t take it personally, but no. I do not trust you enough to not kill me while I sleep and you drive. Get over it.
4. Falling. On purpose, metaphorically, from a ladder, from stairs, from a plane, from a mountain, from a cliff, from a platform with a rubber band tied around my ankles, from a roof, from a beautiful waterfall, from a bridge, whatever. I used to think it was a fear of heights, but I have decided it’s not. It’s the falling I fear 🙂
5. White noise hoobie joobie. That movie with Michael Keaton freaked me the eff out. I think it is the combination of watching Poltergeist at entirely too young of an age and then that movie….EEKKKKK
6. Being strangled. Odd I know. But I can’t wear turtle necks or chokers or even t shirts that have tight necks. Weird right?
7. Cataclysmic apocalypse. Be it caused by natural, alien, zombie, illuminati, political, whodo, voodoo, whatever; I fear it. More than a rationale person should, I suppose.
8. The ocean. I dream of swimming underwater with whales and mermaids and fishes, breathing underwater just fine. But sharks and water I cannot see the bottom of in real, waking life, freaks me the eff out. Eff that. There are big freaking things in the ocean!
9. Failing in general. At a job, on a quiz, on a crossword, at life in general, as a parent, etc. I fixate on this shit. Try falling asleep without the soothing sounds of Kelly Howell or Eckhart Tolle with this Atlas weight in your brain.
10. Repeating my parent’s mistakes. This is probably not as serious of a fear so much as a corrective tool…Everything I do as a parent and a grownup, I try to gauge how my parents would have done it, and how that served or disserved me. Then I act accordingly. It’s only bit me in the ass a couple of times, thus far. But I do fear choosing wrong because I based a judgment of serve vs disserve on my current state of mind and not on the actual result that is still evolving….Does that make any sense outloud?
11. Talking in my sleep. I know my dreams. If ever I was to speak while sleeping, I am sure people would have me put away forever. >:)

Ok, ok so I know overall it just seems like totally normal control issues right? RIGHT? I’m normal. Just like every other normally neurotic person.

Sometimes, when I miss people I read other’s poems.

THE CAP AND BELLS

by: William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

HE jester walked in the garden:

The garden had fallen still;

He bade his soul rise upward

And stand on her window-sill.

 

It rose in a straight blue garment,

When owls began to call:

It had grown wise-tongued by thinking

Of a quiet and light footfall;

 

But the young queen would not listen;

She rose in her pale night-gown;

She drew in the heavy casement

And pushed the latches down.

 

He bade his heart go to her,

When the owls called out no more;

In a red and quivering garment

It sang to her through the door.

 

It had grown sweet-tongued by dreaming

Of a flutter of flower-like hair;

But she took up her fan from the table

And waved it off on the air.

 

‘I have cap and bells,’ he pondered,

‘I will send them to her and die’;

And when the morning whitened

He left them where she went by.

 

She laid them upon her bosom,

Under a cloud of her hair,

And her red lips sang them a love-song

Till stars grew out of the air.

 

She opened her door and her window,

And the heart and the soul came through,

To her right hand came the red one,

To her left hand came the blue.

 

They set up a noise like crickets,

A chattering wise and sweet,

And her hair was a folded flower

And the quiet of love in her feet.

Dukan? You can!

I started the Dukan Diet. Yes, yes I know. But something has got to give. So save your lectures and anti-carb-free diet stories.  Anyhow, as I am reading the book looking for all sorts of magical insights and inspirational thoughts, I read this passage that made me think about other things….

“Losing weight is the same as feeding yourself with fat and cholesterol. ……with each weight loss, your body makes you consume your fat reserves, so when you lose 20 pounds, it is almost as if you had eaten that amount of fat or butter….a large quantity of cholesterol and triglycerides circulates in your blood.” ~Dr. Pierre Dukan

So I immediately think about Rachel Carson, environmental toxins, and fat soluble toxins. This beginning part could be yucky feeling., as this crap is processed out of my body BUT at least I can attest that I have lived more often than not in places that aren’t toxic dump sites so hopefully I have less than most. I also eat mostly fresh and healthy foods, organic when I can afford it and until I started this stupid diet rarely any meat and NEVER any dairy (ok, I have a cheese weakness occasionally) But as someone with an already depressed thyroid function, I anticipate my thyroid needs may go up as this journey progresses. Oy.

Don’t worry, I am drinking plenty of dandelion and detox tea to help this along as well as my numerous supplements ranging from yellow dock to salmon oil. Really what I am going to miss is my lovely alcohol. Sigh

And fruit. I will see you in January.

I have decided the best way to avoid being inundated with toxins released by your body’s melting blubber reserves is to never get unhealthily fat. DOH

Zombieproof I are not, but I @runfromundead

In case you are not aware, I am not the lithe little phenom that I used to be. I am however, a stubborn & proud bi**h  who does not like to be proven wrong. So when I signed up for the 5k zombie race (www.runforyourlives.com) I had planned to train hard and kick ass. Well, I signed up about 6 months before the race, trained for a minute then talked myself out of training cause, duh, I had 6 months to do it. Well, eventually the month before the race came and I hadn’t resumed any hardcore training LOL. I had however taken a rather humbling and self defeating job as a “courtesy clerk” at a certain grocery store which shall remain unnamed. Now in case you are unaware, a courtesy clerk is merely a nice sounding euphemism for the following: “cart pushing,  whatever menial mindnumbing, toilet cleaning, sweating, running, pushing, stooping, spill-cleaning upper, and/or being the head clerk’s little bitch” job.

I digress.

That job trained me.

Or at least as well as I could have trained me.

Race day came and it just happened to be like the hottest day in Washington state history, or at least close.

People were dropping like flies from heat exhaustion, rolled ankles, and sheer giveupitis.  There was even one person that didn’t make it up one of the steeper hills (of which there were 982357203845034) and rolled down taking out a few people who had to be taken out in ambulances.

My only real complaint about the actual race was that they only had water stations at two points which were labeled 1 and 2 miles, but the last mile was about 400 yards so I think they lied. They needed to have the water every half mile or so given the temperature.

I kept all of my life ribbons until right before the 2nd mile marker, right after the 2nd mile marker and then the last 200 yards. The zombies were thick in dem dar hills. Damn it.

I didn’t survive.

And the waterslide into the bloodbath was difuckingvine. Even if I did lose my shades in it.

But I finished without being electrocuted, losing a shoe in deep freaking mud, dying in real life, passing out, drowning or otherwise getting tore up. I ate it once right in the beginning when I stepped in/fell from either a rodent hole and/or the stalks of blackberry brambles they JUST mowed down, but other than that, I made it. I have the 12 bruises to prove it. And a medal.

This fat girl ran.

This fat girl finished in either 54:18 or 1:10:00 (there is some unofficial discrepancies)

Either of which is a pretty good time if I say so myself, considering there were lines at each obstacle and water station.

Boom. You should do it. It’s coming to a town near you. The infection is spreading.

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Only the lonely….

L.M. Montgomery said that “Only lonely people keep journals.” I have to agree. I grew up keeping a diary which I later called a journal (so much more sophisticated) and a book of poems…I started in 4th grade. I found my solace and friends in books, regardless of who wrote them. We moved a lot and always lived in the middle of BFE, so my siblings and my horse were my only constant companions. Social scientists say now that we social media junkies are narcissists, that we think every thought we have is a gem. I don’t think I have breached that point, yet. I share a lot of news and observations, not a lot of  “I just ate a banana.” ” I just took a sh*t.” “I just turned on my computer,” crap. But I think it is more of a matter of loneliness we feel, wanting to feel connected to the world, rather than a matter of narcissism.

Now granted, I realize there is a generation full of wannabe Snookis and JWOWWs, but I am speaking of the people who aren’t fame seeking, oversharing whores. Just the ones who feel that they want to connect with someone besides themselves, to know that others feel the same way they do. Myself, I haven’t journaled truly since I got my first Myspace, I wrote a lot of notes then. I printed them off when I closed my account and I kept them in a notebook. Facebook has provided a sort of venting platform and twitter is amazing for quick little blips, updates and links to news stories.

BUT this blog: this blog has become my new journal. I still have my poetry book (number 4 at this point in my life) and I write in it often. I share a few of those poems here, but really they are mine. Not really fit for human consumption. Maybe after I am dead. I try to keep the blog knowledgeable for the masses, cathartic for me, and vague enough when referencing real people that only those people and a very select few realize whom I am actually speaking of. Its my mini-therapy.

I suppose I am lonely.

But you are reading this, so maybe you are too.

This world keeps getting smaller, yet the spaces between us keep on growing.