Category Archives: Confession

Oedipus

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Oedipus

What a compounding thought-

Reflecting on my daddy issues;

My insane need for a father figure…

What I needed was a foundation-

“The all father”

A God:

for all intents and purposes-

An education on faith-

Grace-

Forgiveness-

Repentance AND reconciliation.

A basis for growth- a reason for service and understanding of trauma-

And finally- a present presence.

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Ache

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Ache

I’ve subdued my urges-

As often as I can…

Quieting the undesired parts of self.

But still… it’s not enough-

Now, inactions aren’t enough…

Words now forbidden-chastised-shamed-

Acutely.

What next?

Thoughts?

Always ok.

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Always ok.

It’s not crazy-

To question all of your decisions-

While holding your knees and rocking…

At the bottom…

of a dark closet-

Simultaneously:

lamenting;

and experiencing déjà vu…

realizing the trauma root to your aesthetic preferences…

synthesizing information, emotions, perceptions, programming…

Understanding leads to despair and experience leads to scripted good guesses…

“Fear is the path to the dark side.”

Leaps of faith…

Crisis of confidence?

Hope being what’s left and hoping because there’s nothing left-

Love or fear, only two choices…

At the heart of it…

Still rocking…

Still rocking…

Still rocking…

Bottom of a dark closet.

Soundlessly chanting-

beneath the typhoon in my bedroom…

I’m ok.

I’m ok.

I’m ok.

I’m always ok.

it’s not crazy- it’s human, right?

Neither game, nor war.

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Neither game, nor war.

Redundant shields failing-

and to the victor go the spoils.

Spoils of anger;

spoils of fear; and

spoils of doubt.

 

There’s no way to plan tactically-

when there is no consistency;

it is like trying to flank cats…

 

Knowing what we need

AND

also…. communicating it?

Ah…. that’s the secret.

 

Feelings can be stifled-

suppressed;

projected-

predicted.

Reactions?

No dice.

 

Purpose required.

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Purpose required.

Have you ever wanted something so bad,

you work and sacrifice….

Go a little mad…

Obtain said goal.

And then-

As though you had been…

chasing the proverbial dragon,

you are again unsatisfied?

Its easy to feel very sad and isolated-

Lonely in this big house-

Full of white noise and silences…

Inconsistently closed yet open doors.

Still trying to adjust- adapt…

Handle all the new noises

Suppress all the annoying ones,

Lament the loss of the old ones;

Not regret not covet-

Missing the tiny place somehow-

Although cramped quarters-

Happiness was found in those small spaces;

No choice but intimacy-

And shared purpose.

Oh me

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Oh me

I live in a huge house now…

full of closed doors;

For energy conservation,

Of course.

Like a flock of seagulls…

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Like a flock of seagulls…

I dreamt you went away;

Quite literally, you ran, in fact.

I woke to find you there yet;

Still beside me, corporally, intact.

I decided to ignore it;

The feeling, dismissed, the context abstract.

Dreams for sale:

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Dreams for sale:

Sold two wedding dresses today:

One, unworn and white.

The second; loved yet stained…. with the paint I wore to hide me.

Last remnants of a former self,

Sold to the highest bidder.

Eutetic

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Eutetic

Thought I was the Gallium,

It seems I am the Indium.

Electricity shorts out in tears-

Frazzled charges,

you can’t predict.

I want to be surrounded:

Encompassed;

Supported.

Find myself mixing in

Like T-1000, shapeshifting

All the parts of myself

into a palatable poison.

 

It’s true….

I make a sufficient version

Of a reflective surface

To provide you foundation

For building.

Liquid transistors from

Your quick silver mouth,

Unintentionally spewing mercury.

Not understanding the rise in heat…

As I stretch myself into thin circuits.

 

While in non-consensual secrecy,

I constantly pour myself out.

Waiting for the reciprocal…

(All the while, knowing the odds)

Praying for a recharge.

Poking keys into outlets-

Waiting for the spark-

(That I known is going to hurt…)

Pressing tiny diodes,

Like perpetual LEDs,

Embedded in fully cured resin.

 

An unassuming alloy,

Hidden and presented as an ally,

(im)patiently waiting

for the moment…

you decide to let me in.

Another crystal lattice,

I should have known better.

(should know better.)

I’ve seen this pattern before.

But here I am,

Tonguing all the nine volts,

Wishing you would just touch me.