Monthly Archives: May 2020

Bleach

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Bleach

My seemingly loving efforts appear to have been~
insidious;

regardless of my good intentions.

That stupid fucking realization:

“The grass only grew when we left it alone.”

And I then-

Well, I looked at my hands;         


each rubbing the other like it would somehow bring the other- comfort…

and I flashed upon a memory…

a memory of my father~

wringing his hands…

Because there’s nothing else you can do when “rainy days and Mondays always bring you down…”

I wished that it was all gaslighting-

Alas-

I cannot deny my own part in the fire-

that fire that burnt everything.

Everything we loved-

Everything we planned-

All the things we planted-

Prayed for.

Yep-

I am the common denominator who just…

Just brought it to it’s knees and then to a-

well…

To a bitter fucking end.

And everything I thought I knew

and everything I was meant to do-

Was smoldering… kindling~

Left.

Left to mildew:

Mildew like forgotten laundry in the wash~

Dirty laundry-

a chore.

You know.

The kind you forget because you think you’re happy;

and
you are busy;

and

you feel content.

Then and only then-

do you realize:

you left it;

left it TOO long~

unattended;

in the rain… and also;

On the line-

and now it’s sour;

Rotten…

That smell can not be washed out.

 

Goddamn it.

A Brief Benefit-Cost Analysis

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A Brief Benefit-Cost Analysis

Sometimes I’m not really sure what the fuck I’m getting out of this.

I spend a lot of time- up in my head- trying to determine the motives why I stay here:

How much I put in vs

How much they take out;

What I’m learning vs

What’s becoming bad habits.

What’s mine to own?

What’s theirs to own up to?

Who’s accountable?

50-50?

Sigh. I’ve stopped the cycle by putting lipstick on a pig.