Category Archives: Uncategorized

A Brief Benefit-Cost Analysis

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A Brief Benefit-Cost Analysis

Sometimes I’m not really sure what the fuck I’m getting out of this.

I spend a lot of time- up in my head- trying to determine the motives why I stay here:

How much I put in vs

How much they take out;

What I’m learning vs

What’s becoming bad habits.

What’s mine to own?

What’s theirs to own up to?

Who’s accountable?

50-50?

Sigh. I’ve stopped the cycle by putting lipstick on a pig.

Bob Marley Wisdom…

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Bob Marley Wisdom…

Bob Marley once said:

“You may not be her first,
her last, or her only.

She loved before
she may love again.

But if she loves you now,
what else matters?

She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.

She may not be thinking about you every second of the day,
but she will give you a part of her
that she knows you can break—her heart.

So don’t hurt her,
don’t change her,
don’t analyze and
don’t expect more than she can give.

Smile when she makes you happy,
let her know when she makes you mad,
and miss her when she’s not there.

Love with your whole being when you receive love.
Because there are no perfect girls, but there will always be a girl who is perfect for you..”

stupid fkn pie

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stupid fkn pie

I see it now-

Why you couldn’t love me:

The things I overdid.

The things I should not have done.

Like the pie-

What I saw as a romantic gesture:

A few weeks too soon.

Questioning my motives.

Strange continued reflections-

That at this point should be moot:

Seemingly irrelevant.

Strawberry Rhubarb learnin.

I never should have made you a pie

Eh…

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Eh…

Working in hospice is a trip. Some days are really hard and I’m thankful to have coworkers and some friends who get it.

Death is an ever looming presence in this job and sometimes when a patient dies it hits like a gut punch.

Most people don’t get it, the typical response is “well they were on hospice so it wasn’t unexpected so why are you feeling ___________?”

Well yes, they WERE on hospice.

But also, NO….

I’m one of these lucky social workers who have quite a vivid imagination and this works to my advantage and disadvantage. While I can empathize with the patients or their families because I can try to imagine what they’re going thru (to the best of my ability) but unfortunately when they pass, I can also rabbit hole on that experience as well. We don’t always KNOW and when someone is alone at that moment, we never know. Was it quick? Was it painful? Were they scared? Particularly right now when it is hard to see patients in homes and facilities, as a social worker or a chaplain. Sure- there’s some ways around it if things are “imminent” but you don’t always know. Sometimes it’s more rapid than anticipated or a complete surprise. I think about it too much for my own good, probably. It goes downhill from there and snowballs, but I personally take solace in the fact that I still care this much. But not with all patients. Not that I don’t care for them all, but I’m sure there’s some projection, transference, something that makes some harder than others. Maybe it has to do with how long you work with someone. Maybe they remind you of someone: consciously or subconsciously, or they represent something or someone we fear or worry about. Lots of possibilities. Maybe it simply has to do with my control issues. My version of denial of my own mortality. I’m not sure really. But regardless, some days, some patients, some deaths, hit harder and last longer than others.

Keep doing the good work. That’s all we can do.

Dilly dilly

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Dilly dilly

Lavenders blue dilly dilly

I’m missing you

Silly silly

When all that I’ve learned Nilly nilly

Is conflicting with you

Really really

My my my myyyy Sharona

Loops through my ears

Cause

of

the

Rona…

And I run… I run so far away

In my head (cause self isolating)

I try to work for pay…

Everything is going to be okay

But nothing is alright today

But that’s great… it starts with an earthquake… and Lenny Bruce would make it somehow better…

Social distancing what a joke- the nearer we are the further we’ve come…

I found all my friends— they’re all memories in my head…

Endless loops of songs recaptured in inappropriate ways… this is my “solace.”

I have become Jack Torrance somehow.

Scales

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Scales

Counting the days you’d sing to me;

Learning the dance between our moods-

The formula of actions and reactions;

equations and the variables…

Balancing against days I pray;

to just be treated like a dog.

Broken mirror

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Broken mirror

All the things shed-

to make way for new beginnings:

replaced by ectothermic forces

reflection no longer representative

of the self recognized by Id-

ego

ego

ego

STOP.
Increasingly lighter,

more wrinkled;

mortal coil bound.

long life lived

experiences groomed

patterns repeated

for the chance to repair-

the choice to revisit-

the future of a soul

in need of trauma repair-

control dramas

daddy issues

abandonment

fear

and love

Shame overwhelms

influencing choices

like mercury retrograde
making all communication
futile; yet needed.

spiral spiral spiral

STOP.

who do we see when we look?
cracked and distorted

visions intuited

through a looking glass, darkly.

 

 

 

TuHaiku

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TuHaiku

How did it happen-
the only one alone here;
Me. Again. Of course.

Walking the damn line-
Praying for spiritual strength
And fast Benedryl.