So maybe I have been slightly distracted by life and slowly becoming more distracted…
I hadn’t realized it had been two freaking weeks since I blogged. EEEEP….
But the return is worth it…for example:
I smile for no reason and when no one is there to observe it;
I’m busy as hell between FT work, kids, new friends, old friends, my lovely new boyfriend, etc;
I am running in the run for your lives event tomorrow (my second year!);
I’m also trying to figure out how to cut costs and make extra money….. if you have legal ideas, hit me up cause at this point I am thinking commune….;
My fantasy football draft is tonight *fingers crossed*;
My kids are amazing and responsible and I can do things without a babysitter and they don’t throw rocking parties (YESSSSSSSS)…;
My student loans are arranged to start next week and be $39.45 a month for the next 108 years;
I haven’t killed all of my plants;
I have been writing again, a lot… I have no idea where I find the time….
Andddddd I got to see the Silent Comedy do Fleetwood Mac and dance with said boyfriend.
What else could a woman want?
I find myself struggling at times to keep my head out of my head; I try very hard to stay present and in the moment so that I enjoy things without over-thinking them, diminishing them, or writing them off as hormonally/chemically influenced experiences. When you think and feel something but aren’t sure if you should say them or not because of the weight they can carry, for instance…But there are also times when I give people advice about such things; from how thoughts are things and intention and energy and love and self image, etc…
I talk a good game but these things I advise others on are very hard for me to stay conscientious of myself from time to time. For example: Even at my heaviest, I thought I was hot. I carried that attitude and put off that energy and like a magical little glamour…others saw me that way too. And now, at my lightest in a few years, I find myself more critical of myself. I still think I am the kitty’s titties, but the older I get (and not terribly unrelated…the younger the collective THEY get) the more I compare myself to the THEM I think I am competing with. I know I am not, but it is still something I find myself doing.
How do you stop that?
I’m not a typically insecure person. In fact, often the opposite. I generally find myself feeling like a judgmental schmuck because I probably do think I am smarter and hotter than most. HA.
But social media (usually Facebook) really makes me feel less than.
It’s like a commercial bombardment of peers and celebrities and things I wish I was all the time… and you know what others think about them thanks to the fucking little ticker on the side. Ugh.
I just want to shut it off again.
But then I would go nuts wondering what was going on and what was being said etc.
Not to mention the lameness of my “friends” who don’t contact you unless you are on Facebook. Boo.
I miss the 90’s. Fuck this shit.
Ok, Ok… so I have almost gotten Lana Del Rey out of my system BUT! I wasn’t able to get an entire album onto one disc, so I have only been listening to the one. Today I decided to listen to the other one with a measly 4 songs on it and lo and behold; she has a song called Body Electric which is a throw back to my favorite Whitman poem…
OMG I love her fucking face.
She is one of my soul mates I am sure of it now.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you are remembering something you previously thought or said when suddenly something specifically interacts with you regarding it? I’m sure it is some sort of confirmation bias, part of the reason that divining tools and/or oracles seem spot on… You hear what you need to or are supposed to or are receptive to… right?
Ok, so riddle me this, Batman…
You know that place between dreaming and awake? When you are still responsive to the world for the most part but also starting to dream? Yeah. So there I am, there being a subjective ethereal term… and I am remembering a conversation I had about a recent tarot reading and the continuing conversation about a certain song’s potentially related lyrics and how it was super sweet and what I wanted….blah blah blah girl crap…. fast forward back to dreamspeaking state….
and that song comes on.
It was kinda awesome. It even took me a second to process it actually was playing outside of my dreamy state. HA
Yes, I know it doesn’t mean anything, per se….
But it was badass nonetheless.