I’ve been in a lot of relationships where things have been broken…
Things that I’ve bought; things that I’ve earned;
been given, gifted-
…learned.
But bones often heal and time-
Well time, it blurs the edges…
Now I’m finding myself in a lot of situations where things are being restructured…
Things I’ve been taught;
things that I’ve chosen;
been given, gifted-
…learned.
But hearts often heal and experience-
Well experience, it sharpens focus.
I thought of something nice to say at my mother’s funeral.
Spoiler alert:
She’s not dying (no quicker than you or I technically am…)
But my dad is…
So I was thinking about all of the things that I would say about him at his funeral;
and that made me sad. So to cope, I decided to try and think of something nice to say…at my mother’s.
I know, I know… BUT!
I thought that would make me mad-
You know:
when I couldn’t find one (but knowingly looked)?
And…
Well then I found one; which in turn… made me mad.
Huzzah!
Isn’t it exquisite-
how my broken and gold;
They fuse together in kintsugi rhythm?
Knowing both paths to the desired result- consciously mitigated and yet…
Gestures vaguely at everything,
and nothing.
No one escapes-
Even with wars on all fronts…
The Croc’s ticking clock.
Lately I’ve been “nesting.”
Chasing serotonin and conviction- reclaiming my own curtilage.
And yet, entertaining;
Fellini-esque fantasies.
While balancing the romantic…
with the absurd.
Still, fantasies indeed are dangerous things.
Particularly;
when one feels unchallenged or complacent…
It’s easy to believe that things mean more-
Connections or kismet or fated-
too often just a novel distraction
They would soon grow bored of…
He gave her his heart,
she gave him a pen.
Is it ever real?
Too often oxytocin fueled.
And hypervigilance gives way
To resolute avoidance and/or
The altruistic conundrum-
there is no unselfish deed…
And like she said, “perhaps…”
I’ve already had my chance for that type of happiness.
Nonetheless, a growth mindset.
Endeavor to be present.
Stay the course.
Self actualize myself.
Alone is not so bad.
Lonely is much worse.
Photo from: www.shopstudiosisters.com
And it comes to pass,
With time and understanding-
The “reconciliation”
Of cause, and effect;
Actions… reactions.
The interplay…
The neuropathways.
And you’re standing alone-
In your room
By yourself
AND LAUGH
BELLYLAUGH
Catching your reflections-
Just fleetingly seen-
Your “SUPERMANPETERPANHYBRID” pose.
Then you begin to wonder.
Ponder why you never noticed-
Why you never could.
Until right now.
There’s a ghost in my house;
But I think I haunt myself.
I wake up with my hand on a pillow-
And for a moment, it’s your back.
I hear you say my name
When I’m half asleep.
But then I remember you’re not here…
Because I asked you to go
And you went…
Because you love me.
Everything out here has changed…
But everything inside me is the same.
A problem always takes two-
Mayhapst the catalyst wasn’t you.
Perhaps it’s me that should go.
It’s strange:
How I find myself here
Cutting my mother’s hair.
When I swore we’d never speak
Never give myself the chance
to destroy her…
Like I know I could.
Curiously ironic…
Such a moment of grace
And a realization-
“I forgive her”
And for once,
It’s not about her.
I can go months-
Years without a cigarette.
Until I get a certain sad that only smoking (thus far) relieves… maladaptive or not…
it’s a coping skill too…
Said certain sadness passes…
Cue subsequent guilt for even purchasing…
Then! (as if to punish myself for it)
I am compelled to finish the pack.
Oy.
We’re never really finished, I guess.
Surrounded by the ever present Spectre of death…
Mortality itself has haunted since the 11th year-
Family & friends dying like the Hemingways and Fondas having a competition…
Addictions and violence permeate a life… a society… a culture.
Supporting those you love,
Facing my own fears;
Tasked with aiding those in grief…
A lifetime of training?
They don’t tell you the right things to say…
Or even the wrong things to say.
“It will always come in waves… they just get further between…”
Weak tea for the knock kneed.
God
Life
Energy
Grief
Stages
Birth to death and all between;
Beautiful acceptance to righteous anger-
Fuck this mortal coil.
I’m spending time with a hospice client today who is telling me the secrets of life… they’ve been married two times, 20 years the first time, and 52 years the second. (!!!!)
They say the secret to life is “…to love and let them love you. It’s the only thing that lasts and the only thing you can control. Sometimes. Anger and hate fade away and you don’t remember what exactly you were sore about, but you never forget the reasons you love someone or how it felt when they loved you.”
I’m not crying. YOU’RE CRYING.
Carry on.
Sold two wedding dresses today:
One, unworn and white.
The second; loved yet stained…. with the paint I wore to hide me.
Last remnants of a former self,
Sold to the highest bidder.
It’s a heavy realization:
Reflecting on 39 years
And discovering:
YOU ARE…
You are the most prolific liar in your life…And always have been.
Personally, I can convince myself that everything is true;
Okay;
Perfect;
Rational;
Fated;
“The right choice.”
Rarely am I telling myself the truth-
Especially not in my head.
I had the most interesting insight today. To be honest, I will probably be reconciling and revisiting it over the next little bit. As I sat listening to a client today, I made note of a realization I had to contemplate later. Lucky you, I am doing that now.
I’ve noticed over the years that I am able to connect with people because somehow I am able to find something in them, experientially or otherwise that I can empathize with. I used to joke that I was a good social worker because I could identify with every Lana Del Rey song. More sad than funny now, I suppose, but still true enough ha.
During grad school, I often allowed myself to feel badly about this, as it was labeled countertransference. And if I am honest with myself, sometimes it may have been negative countertransference, for sure. But we learn to check our biases, as much as we can, as continually attempting to be informed humans. And the dance between empathy and countertransference is certainly a tricky one to navigate.
But what got me today, was realizing how easily I could understand the reasons, internal and external, subconscious and conscious, that this client was making the decisions that they were making. And I realized that I understood them because I had made the exact same decisions once before, for the nearly identical reasons.
All the parts of my personality and situation were right in front of me…
All the parts I have hated, questioned, forgotten, burned, and buried…
All of them.
And I felt no hatred, no questioning, no judgment for the client. It all made perfect sense.
But it was a grace I have struggled to provide within. As if I didn’t deserve compassion at all, let alone from myself. I have always felt a certain level of shame about some decisions I made in my earlier adulthood; even shame regarding smaller decisions I have made, more recently than that.
I have rarely felt any animosity or disdain toward a client, as I feel like I can understand so much of the reasons people do the things they do. Regardless of whether it is experiential understanding or trauma informed book learning, I can still understand most situations that humans end up in. (Mind you, I said MOST not all).
Yet the amount of doubt, anger, loathing, disgust, and pity I have felt for the younger versions of myself?
Vast. Expansive. Shifting. Sinking. Consuming.
I have BEEN Artax.
And yet, looking at myself, tonight, as I would a client?
Never before seen footage of a grown ass woman heffalumping sobs of forgiveness and understanding. That was a long drive home. Good gracious.
Oof.
Who even the eff am I?
Haven’t done one of these in a couple years. Seems fitting as I am in my 38th year… which is the year I’ve been thinking about since I was 19 years old.
It’s been a wild ride.
And a long life.
Hopefully, I get 38 more years.
1. Codependent is not the same as interdependent… no matter how you package it, some people will never understand the difference.
2. Never take friendships for granted; even after 28 years, they can end without proper maintenance. Even with proper maintenance, people grow apart. That’s ok.
3. There are social contracts that we all must abide by, to some extent. However, any social contract that requires you to be anything but your authentic self (save for concrete moral deviance) can go fuck themselves. This is your life. You probably only get one. Love it. Live it. Choose it. You’re the driver.
4. “Stairway to heaven” really is truth. 🎵“Yes, there are two paths you can go by… But in the long run…There’s still time to change the road you’re on.”🎵 Two paths. Fear or love.
5. If you’re all the way right or all the way left, you can’t see the whole picture. Take a couple steps back and listen.
6. Echo chambers are bad.
7. Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is stop parenting.
8. You can lose/leave most of your things and be happy.
9. Dogs really are better than cats. By a small margin. But still better.
10. Money definitely doesn’t buy happiness. Always choose the job that feeds your soul. If you’re doing things right, someone will feed your belly.
11. When you have enough to feed your belly, feed someone else’s. When you have enough to feed your soul, feed someone else’s.
12. Energy is cyclic. I knew that years ago but I was definitely reminded repeatedly this year. Be mindful of the energy you put out. It’s easy to become comfortable, complacent, and forget.
13. Choose love. Even if it ends badly, you will end up better for it. You can leave with love. You can lead with love. You can heal with love. Always love yourself first. Insert some cliche about airplane oxygen masks.
14. Experiences are better than things. But… sweet gestures are still sweet.
15. Excitement and exuberance count. More than you realize.
16. Gratitude begets gratitude.
17. Douglas Adams really is a genius.
18. You can be aware and understand without co-opting and/or being offended. It really isn’t about you.
19. Except when it is… if you have a boundary, don’t let yourself or anyone else violate it.
20. There is healthy shame and unhealthy shame… learn the difference.
21. People tell you who they are and what they want through actions. You have to listen and watch. They often contradict each other.
22. Timing is everything. Sometimes things circle back around when you’re ready, sometimes they don’t because they were only there for the lesson.
23. The world, and humans, haven’t really changed. Comparisons are moot.
24. You can’t save anyone but yourself.
25. And Hobo Johnson/Frank is a lyrical genius.
Huzzah. Xoxo
I guess I finally agree.
It’s probably best you chose not to play with me,
I would have loved you.
I would have loved you even when I didn’t like you;
When you didn’t want me to.
When you didn’t love yourself.
I’d have taken care of myself, for you, and you, for me.
And I would have loved you.
I’d have listened:
to you breathing as you slept,
your thoughts when they were so deafening,
And your words quiet and loud, when you would share:
Hopes,
Dreams,
Fears.
I’d have steadied your hands when they shook while you spoke,
Placed a hand upon your chest when you quietly raged about fathers and why their kids stuttersuck… all to choke down their feelings of humiliation and fear…
Kissed you upon every entry,
Every single tear,
Every single night.
Laughed in joy,
settled into rare silence,
gazed in awe,
and continued to glow
in your mere presence.
I would have. But yes…
Yes, it’s probably best you decided not to play with me.
Because I KNOW.
I would have definitely loved you.
From one Pisces fish to you.... 