Tag Archives: forgiveness

April Showers

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April Showers

Rain can bring things back to life…

Rain can also drown them.

All power is an illusion…

Yet energy exchanged freely is tangible.

“Love” can be an adverb, a noun, a verb;

it’s really just like “Fuck.”

Hope can be a welcome gift…

She can and will, also fool you.

One commits to seeing it through,

the other remains righteously based in fear.

A secret can encourage alliances,

concurrently it feeds into concern.

Sunshine is what allows all life,

but the sun can cause also cancer.

Chemo is a curative,

while simultaneously it poisons the body.

Intimacy is not to be forsaken,

dismissed for the idea of “What if..”

Regret can turn to reflection…

Reflection can change your reality.

Emotion influences logic,

logic without emotion is cold.

Opening Pandora’s box gave knowledge and insight,

wisdom not always appreciated.

Patience is a virtue,

but one that can quickly grow sour. 

Bitter on the tongue of the confused,

waiting to be swallowed hard by the word…

YES.

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Lens Filter

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Lens Filter

 

 

 

 

By an odd coincidence, this week your tattoo is getting covered up;

Under the ocean it will be.

Reflectively, my time with you was the happiest

I’d been until now, a true peace I have found, it

Eluded you I guess.

Dreamed you hadn’t died, that you were in a caved in hole but watched you climb out on the news…

That reverie, I like to think it was you coming out of your darkest place, crawling toward the light.

Honestly, I learned so much from you, practical and emotional you taught me many things.

Echoes of his six word story come to me late at night

“Bullies are just very sad people…”

Understanding of you came later,

Life and love are funny that way.

Looking back, my own ignorance was bliss…

Even the most negative memories somehow benefit from it;

The lens filter of time.

 

*I doubt they will play this for you, but I know you always wanted it at your service so I will post it for you here.

Love and Light.

If I only had a brain….

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If I only had a brain….

Oh the multitude of ponderings my brain has been chock full of as of late; contradictions and questions which appear to have no answers. I over-think things, it is true. But recently, I have been trying to get out of the habit of doing so when that over-thinking does not serve my better interests.

The questions I am asking are things like, can I change anything about this situation? Am I fixating on reality or possibility? Is what I am thinking about in the past? If so, I can’t change it…only my perception of it. Is it in the future? If so, I can’t change it, only my participation in it. Is this something I am feeling or is it an emotion, because they really are not the same thing.

I am also trying to keep myself in check by examining those feelings and making sure that they are not hijacked feelings from another experience; I have a terrible tendency to finally experience things at the wrong time…. Which is to say that I may dissociate from something at the time and apply those feelings to another situation which totally does not warrant it. I do not think I am unique in this, you do it too, if you are honest with yourself.

I have also been thinking about not being so hard on myself…I seem to make allowances for people who do not treat me in the same fashion as I treat them, be it in physical life or in the ethereal relationship; I make excuses for them because of their traumas and the effects that they have had upon their life and personality; yet I treat myself much more harshly and without forgiveness without taking into account my own traumas, mental health, struggles, etc.

I hold myself to much higher standards than many of the people I surround myself with. I have really been trying to look at this and decipher why… is it so I can feel better than them because I do not let things affect me? Because if that is my motivation, I am truly self deluded, because it isn’t true. I am human. I am fucked up. I am in love with the world and I hate the world all in one singular breath.

I don’t know what it is, really.

I know that I am honest.

I know that I am loyal, to a fault.

I know that I trust others more than I trust myself in situations wherein I should do the opposite.

I know I am attracted to misanthropic men and needy women.

I know that I want to be independent and taken care of and/or protected all at the same time.

I know that I am kind.

I know that I always think of how things will affect and are affecting others before myself; this causes me strife internally and externally.

I expend much more emotional energy into others expecting it will always be reciprocal and then I feign shock when it is not.

But I know that even when I am not surprised that I will do it again.

Because I believe in people.

I believe that no one is ever beyond needing others.

I know that I am not going to always be that other.

And I believe in love.

And I know that it will come back to me in one way or another.

Rinse and repeat.

“Why, anybody can have a brain. That’s a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have.”

What the hell is wrong with people today? Really? DV is not ok.

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What the hell is wrong with people today? Really? DV is not ok.

Last night I thoroughly enjoyed 70% of the Grammys. I did however comment throughout the night on twitter and Facebook about the fact that I find it somewhat odd that Chris Brown seems to have redeemed himself in the eyes of the world, even though we all saw pictures of what he did. Mel Gibson is still a PR disaster and Hollywood pariah, even though we only heard his crazy rants and he is alleged to have hit his baby mama. Chris Brown was allowed to perform two times last night and even won a Grammy. Are you kidding?

Now, I admit I am perhaps a little hypocritical in that I enjoy Mel Gibson movies and use a lot of Charlie Sheenisms; he after all locked a hooker in a closet, participated in drug fueled mutual combat with his baby mama and shot Kelly Preston once upon a time. But I don’t encourage my children to emulate them.

So what pisses me off more about Chris Brown? What filled my Twitter feed last night? What was I shared with on Facebook?

This:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys

So am I to believe we forgive violent actions faster and easier than hateful words? I do not get it. Both are terrible. Both are disgusting. Both contribute to cycles that I believe we have been trying desperately to end. This isn’t just a female issue either. Females aren’t the only victims of Domestic Violence and men aren’t the only perpetrators.  But what are we showing kids? That if you are a good dancer you can do this:

and get a Grammy?

I think the Grammy Foundation really screwed up. But what do I know.

I do know that:

  1. One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
  2. An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
  3. 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
  4. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.
  5. Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
  6. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
  7. Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.
  8. In 70-80% of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder.
  9. Less than one-fifth of victims reporting an injury from intimate partner violence sought medical treatment following the injury.
  10. Intimate partner violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health care visits each year.
  11. Domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes.

So if it is underreported, how many really happen? how many are female vs. man, female vs. female, or male vs male? This is an issue that cuts across all ages, cultures, genders, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic statuses. This is not something we should be celebrating. If Chris Brown has gone to classes and “recovered,” great. Good for him. But out of respect for Rihanna, out of respect for kids looking for role models, please go away.

I digressed from my original intent. Oops.

Not totally removed from the girls I previously spoke of that picked the Patriots because of how the QB looked, we now have girls saying that because someone is a good dancer and because he is good-looking, they would let him “beat them.” I guess we forgive actions faster than words, especially if you are young and hot.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Had any of you girls ever had a man hit you, saw your mom get hit, had to deal with the aftermath, physical or emotional of an abusive relationship or had a lick of sense in you, you would never say such asinine things. Get a clue. FUCK

http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf