Forlorn sigh and yawn,
My pillow has lost your scent.
A fortnight, plus half…
Forlorn sigh and yawn,
My pillow has lost your scent.
A fortnight, plus half…
I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s been a combination of not having time and not having really anything nice or uplifting to say about anything. Yesterday was probably the lowest day energy and attitude-wise I have had in a couple years. I don’t think that it was necessarily anything in particular, just a lame culmination of the last few months and the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. So as things just seemed to domino in my world, professionally and of course personally because I am not one of those cool people that can leave my job at the office…. I just kind of gave up yesterday.
But as I always do, I woke up this morning and decided to try again cause really that’s all you can do.
I went to work, decided no matter what I was going to have a good GD day.
And I did.
I helped a family get housed that has been in shelter since January and it was a win. I really left work yesterday sure that it would not happen for them and rehearsing that conversation of sadness.
When I went to the shelter today to meet them and have them sign some final paperwork, I was showered in the grace of the experience. Everyone there is like a family. The family I work with has been there longer than anyone else in the shelter and literally had a couple days left on their 3rd extension. Everyone was happy and congratulating them, high fives, hugs, tears, etc. Their kids? One of them was so happy he was about to burst. He couldn’t even imagine having a room of his own again. The mom who has not let herself have any hope the last few months was over the moon. I honestly had never seen her smile a real smile. She had not even allowed herself the anticipation of this house.
It was the best experience I can remember having in a long time.
And it reminded me of this song:
Sometime last year my friend Daniel posted a video of a girl sitting in a car with a crazy system. She appeared to be, well, really enjoying it. I called bullshit. Maybe if it was a Harley I said, but not “just” bass.
Well, this previous summer I had to buy a hamster car…totally stock 2013 Kia Soul, but it has a freaking badass stock system. This song came on my Pandora station and suffice it to say, I was driving down I-84 and had to pull off for a second or 4 minutes.
I doubt most computers can pick up the low frequencies in this song, but if you have a way to find it and play it through a good system, it’s pretty effing sweet.
Ladies, you are all welcome.
Men, you should buy this album for
me. er, your lady, if you like ladies.
Oh, Valentine’s. What a strange holiday. I decided to send one of my loves a video on the Facebook “kiss with a fist” because of the potential interpretations and started pondering potential interpretations…Is that song promoting domestic violence? Is it a secret lady love song? Hmmm. I digress.
My original purpose for finally posting after a being a fairly negligent blogger was to share some insight for my impending
doom er, birthday. I am officially going to be in my mid-thirties rather than my early thirties….I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been; the realization of that has been enormous. No longer do I truly wish to be the size 4 of my youth, I am ok with what I look like and the size I am…Not to say I do not wish to be more svelte and healthy but I do not feel unlovable because I do not have a BMI of 20. I am more able to acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses without feeling too terribly defensive of either; unconditional love of self is amazing. Having someone do that for you to mirror is a gift.
I am growing more comfortable with the place that I live. Although I still have the inherent panic of “in case of zombie apocalypse where the f**k will I go and what if they blow the bridges and what if the Cascadia Fault goes, etc. etc etc.” HOWEVER, it is much more manageable. I worry less and drink more. It’s a thing and I am OK with it.
I could go on and on about what I have learned just in the last year, but I will leave you with a mere ten vague thoughts, as is customary for me. Cheers.
That is all my loves. Off to get some birthday ink set up.
I really have been neglecting my blog….out living life and being in love and junk…… but I do think of you often…. my readers 😉 But I wanted to share this with you as I was salvaging my poor dying computer’s data onto a gigantic TB external hard drive…..
I am also doing this thankfulness thing on Facebook….And my November 2nd thankfulness? I am thankful for love and Damon.
Proof that things can be created with thought…especially when working with powerful people… Cody and Alanna helped on this…. and the list below? I wrote that in February/March and lo and behold…. come July BAM. Got it.
I only ever wanted to fall asleep smiling.
Sleeping while smiling
a most admirable feat,
Seen by another
Smiling in ones sleep
One of many things we know,
Only through others.
secrets shared between
lucid dreams and reverie
trust as a real verb
we allow our hearts to bloom;
a midnight blossom.
Jasmine in moonlight
a slow growing southern treat
winter can unfurl
Better to be still
held in memory, a smile
Viewed when you need it
The warmth of winter
radiating from the south,
waiting to enfold.
bleak the path becomes
when we expect summer heat
yet feel bitter cold
The role of the muse
is to inspire the passions
myriad, though they may be.
Don’t expect summer.
Rather, be the source of heat:
radiant and true.
The list of traits I require:
Don’t forget to play! It keeps you young…..
123 Main St.
Somewhere, WA 12345
September 18, 2013
It has come to my attention that while I have jumped through all of your stupid damn hoops from birth through today, apparently I am still missing something… I understand adversity develops character; yet it also breeds contempt. I’ve done all the things I am “supposed” to do (married baby daddy, divorced baby daddy when he done me wrong, went to school, went back to school, got a stupid masters degree, I don’t beat my children, I’m kind and generous, stay conscientious of being positive and helping others, and so on and so on) and I still find I am constantly freaking struggling. Could you maybe back the f**k off for a second?
Now don’t get me wrong, while I am incredibly grateful for the things I have going RIGHT in my world, ie: my love, my kids, my health, my friends, my first world problems, etc.; I do not find it incredibly selfish of me to simply want enough money to make it less hard. I do not like worrying about whether I can pay for my child’s instrument rental or their school supplies or whether I will be able to wash my clothes without having to go to a laundry mat in the event that my W/D break because my landlord is raising my rent yet not continuing to provide maintenance on the appliances. I do not want to worry about if I am going to get child support to pay my car payment so I can go to said laundry mat or my invisible job or my child’s cross country meets.
Can’t I just have a break? One whole annual quarter where EVERYTHING goes RIGHT? Some breathing room would be nice.
Or maybe just a heads up or a clue to what it is I am supposed to be learning that I apparently keep missing?
Grateful, yet over it.
I try very hard not to use clichés very often in my writing and when I do, I want them to be over the top and hyperbolic. However….
There is one that I saw on a bumper sticker in Manitou Springs, Colorado when I lived near there in 2001/2; It said:
I found it profound then and still do.
I really try to stay conscious of doing this very thing as often as I can.
Now, don’t get me wrong….I am just as much of a conspicuous consumer as the next…I am after all a fat white american. I do try to be weary of it though.
If I have something that someone else needs and/or wants, and I have what I require, I will share it…even if there isn’t necessarily enough for two.
I have found that having less in the interim leads to more in the future.
I don’t know why it works that way. I only know that it does.
It’s like presents; I can hardly stand having a present for someone…It kills me! I want them to have it now! It’s like vicarious impatience…I want you to know what is in the box!
So, now that I have taken a lovely sentiment and tainted it for you…
Remember that you have much more than you need.
Give someone what they need with no expectations, no judgments, no requirements; it will do YOU some good and make the world better.
Energy is cyclic. Create some positivity. Do it. Do it now!