Surrounded by the ever present Spectre of death…
Mortality itself has haunted since the 11th year-
Family & friends dying like the Hemingways and Fondas having a competition…
Addictions and violence permeate a life… a society… a culture.
Supporting those you love,
Facing my own fears;
Tasked with aiding those in grief…
A lifetime of training?
They don’t tell you the right things to say…
Or even the wrong things to say.
“It will always come in waves… they just get further between…”
Weak tea for the knock kneed.
Birth to death and all between;
Beautiful acceptance to righteous anger-
Fuck this mortal coil.
What a compounding thought-
Reflecting on my daddy issues;
My insane need for a father figure…
What I needed was a foundation-
“The all father”
for all intents and purposes-
An education on faith-
Repentance AND reconciliation.
A basis for growth- a reason for service and understanding of trauma-
And finally- a present presence.
Have you ever wanted something so bad,
you work and sacrifice….
Go a little mad…
Obtain said goal.
As though you had been…
chasing the proverbial dragon,
you are again unsatisfied?
Its easy to feel very sad and isolated-
Lonely in this big house-
Full of white noise and silences…
Inconsistently closed yet open doors.
Still trying to adjust- adapt…
Handle all the new noises
Suppress all the annoying ones,
Lament the loss of the old ones;
Not regret not covet-
Missing the tiny place somehow-
Although cramped quarters-
Happiness was found in those small spaces;
No choice but intimacy-
And shared purpose.
I feel myself, disappearing…
I’m not sure…
Not sure how it happened…
It was just an idea:
Based on a memory…
A reverie really;
Of a boy-
A boy with sad eyes,
a piano, and a weight bench…
Now he’s become a man,
with those same hauntingly sad eyes.
But the weight,
Is now upon his shoulders.
And the piano?
The piano is gone,
And the music…
Well, music is a burden,
on his soul…
But he’s full of love,
The fear creates a vacuum…
Nature abhors a vacuum, right?
Forlorn sigh and yawn,
My pillow has lost your scent.
A fortnight, plus half…
I have become joy;
Caught myself skipping all alone
I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s been a combination of not having time and not having really anything nice or uplifting to say about anything. Yesterday was probably the lowest day energy and attitude-wise I have had in a couple years. I don’t think that it was necessarily anything in particular, just a lame culmination of the last few months and the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. So as things just seemed to domino in my world, professionally and of course personally because I am not one of those cool people that can leave my job at the office…. I just kind of gave up yesterday.
But as I always do, I woke up this morning and decided to try again cause really that’s all you can do.
I went to work, decided no matter what I was going to have a good GD day.
And I did.
I helped a family get housed that has been in shelter since January and it was a win. I really left work yesterday sure that it would not happen for them and rehearsing that conversation of sadness.
When I went to the shelter today to meet them and have them sign some final paperwork, I was showered in the grace of the experience. Everyone there is like a family. The family I work with has been there longer than anyone else in the shelter and literally had a couple days left on their 3rd extension. Everyone was happy and congratulating them, high fives, hugs, tears, etc. Their kids? One of them was so happy he was about to burst. He couldn’t even imagine having a room of his own again. The mom who has not let herself have any hope the last few months was over the moon. I honestly had never seen her smile a real smile. She had not even allowed herself the anticipation of this house.
It was the best experience I can remember having in a long time.
And it reminded me of this song:
So I ask you….
What is YOUR fire?
Is it waiting for fuel?
Are you the fuel for someone else’s?
Whatever lights that passion in you, however briefly….
The fuel is out there.
Let the spin stop.
Ignore the distractions and feel the burn.
Sometime last year my friend Daniel posted a video of a girl sitting in a car with a crazy system. She appeared to be, well, really enjoying it. I called bullshit. Maybe if it was a Harley I said, but not “just” bass.
Well, this previous summer I had to buy a hamster car…totally stock 2013 Kia Soul, but it has a freaking badass stock system. This song came on my Pandora station and suffice it to say, I was driving down I-84 and had to pull off for a second or 4 minutes.
I doubt most computers can pick up the low frequencies in this song, but if you have a way to find it and play it through a good system, it’s pretty effing sweet.
Ladies, you are all welcome.
Men, you should buy this album for
me. er, your lady, if you like ladies.