Have you ever wanted something so bad,
you work and sacrifice….
Go a little mad…
Obtain said goal.
As though you had been…
chasing the proverbial dragon,
you are again unsatisfied?
Its easy to feel very sad and isolated-
Lonely in this big house-
Full of white noise and silences…
Inconsistently closed yet open doors.
Still trying to adjust- adapt…
Handle all the new noises
Suppress all the annoying ones,
Lament the loss of the old ones;
Not regret not covet-
Missing the tiny place somehow-
Although cramped quarters-
Happiness was found in those small spaces;
No choice but intimacy-
And shared purpose.
I feel myself, disappearing…
I’m not sure…
Not sure how it happened…
It was just an idea:
Based on a memory…
A reverie really;
Of a boy-
A boy with sad eyes,
a piano, and a weight bench…
Now he’s become a man,
with those hauntingly sad eyes.
But the weight,
Is now upon his shoulders.
And the piano?
The piano is gone,
And the music…
Well, music is a burden,
on his soul…
But he’s full of love,
The fear creates a vacuum…
Nature abhors a vacuum, right?
Forlorn sigh and yawn,
My pillow has lost your scent.
A fortnight, plus half…
I have become joy;
Caught myself skipping all alone
I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s been a combination of not having time and not having really anything nice or uplifting to say about anything. Yesterday was probably the lowest day energy and attitude-wise I have had in a couple years. I don’t think that it was necessarily anything in particular, just a lame culmination of the last few months and the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. So as things just seemed to domino in my world, professionally and of course personally because I am not one of those cool people that can leave my job at the office…. I just kind of gave up yesterday.
But as I always do, I woke up this morning and decided to try again cause really that’s all you can do.
I went to work, decided no matter what I was going to have a good GD day.
And I did.
I helped a family get housed that has been in shelter since January and it was a win. I really left work yesterday sure that it would not happen for them and rehearsing that conversation of sadness.
When I went to the shelter today to meet them and have them sign some final paperwork, I was showered in the grace of the experience. Everyone there is like a family. The family I work with has been there longer than anyone else in the shelter and literally had a couple days left on their 3rd extension. Everyone was happy and congratulating them, high fives, hugs, tears, etc. Their kids? One of them was so happy he was about to burst. He couldn’t even imagine having a room of his own again. The mom who has not let herself have any hope the last few months was over the moon. I honestly had never seen her smile a real smile. She had not even allowed herself the anticipation of this house.
It was the best experience I can remember having in a long time.
And it reminded me of this song:
So I ask you….
What is YOUR fire?
Is it waiting for fuel?
Are you the fuel for someone else’s?
Whatever lights that passion in you, however briefly….
The fuel is out there.
Let the spin stop.
Ignore the distractions and feel the burn.
Sometime last year my friend Daniel posted a video of a girl sitting in a car with a crazy system. She appeared to be, well, really enjoying it. I called bullshit. Maybe if it was a Harley I said, but not “just” bass.
Well, this previous summer I had to buy a hamster car…totally stock 2013 Kia Soul, but it has a freaking badass stock system. This song came on my Pandora station and suffice it to say, I was driving down I-84 and had to pull off for a second or 4 minutes.
I doubt most computers can pick up the low frequencies in this song, but if you have a way to find it and play it through a good system, it’s pretty effing sweet.
Ladies, you are all welcome.
Men, you should buy this album for
me. er, your lady, if you like ladies.
Oh, Valentine’s. What a strange holiday. I decided to send one of my loves a video on the Facebook “kiss with a fist” because of the potential interpretations and started pondering potential interpretations…Is that song promoting domestic violence? Is it a secret lady love song? Hmmm. I digress.
My original purpose for finally posting after a being a fairly negligent blogger was to share some insight for my impending
doom er, birthday. I am officially going to be in my mid-thirties rather than my early thirties….I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been; the realization of that has been enormous. No longer do I truly wish to be the size 4 of my youth, I am ok with what I look like and the size I am…Not to say I do not wish to be more svelte and healthy but I do not feel unlovable because I do not have a BMI of 20. I am more able to acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses without feeling too terribly defensive of either; unconditional love of self is amazing. Having someone do that for you to mirror is a gift.
I am growing more comfortable with the place that I live. Although I still have the inherent panic of “in case of zombie apocalypse where the f**k will I go and what if they blow the bridges and what if the Cascadia Fault goes, etc. etc etc.” HOWEVER, it is much more manageable. I worry less and drink more. It’s a thing and I am OK with it.
I could go on and on about what I have learned just in the last year, but I will leave you with a mere ten vague thoughts, as is customary for me. Cheers.
- Do something different and uncomfortable and scary. It could turn out to be the best choice you ever make. Or it could be the worst…Either way, it’s an adventure.
- Never stop trying.
- Always apologize and sincerely, screw pride. No one is right, perspectives are just different.
- Glasses are great and all, but sometimes we all look a little better in soft focus.
- Drink more water.
- Drink more wine.
- Eat more chocolate.
- Have more sex.
- Always say goodnight.
- Just because A, B, C, D, and E did _________, does not mean F will.
That is all my loves. Off to get some birthday ink set up.
I really have been neglecting my blog….out living life and being in love and junk…… but I do think of you often…. my readers 😉 But I wanted to share this with you as I was salvaging my poor dying computer’s data onto a gigantic TB external hard drive…..
I am also doing this thankfulness thing on Facebook….And my November 2nd thankfulness? I am thankful for love and Damon.
Proof that things can be created with thought…especially when working with powerful people… Cody and Alanna helped on this…. and the list below? I wrote that in February/March and lo and behold…. come July BAM. Got it.
I only ever wanted to fall asleep smiling.
Sleeping while smiling
a most admirable feat,
Seen by another
Smiling in ones sleep
One of many things we know,
Only through others.
secrets shared between
lucid dreams and reverie
trust as a real verb
we allow our hearts to bloom;
a midnight blossom.
Jasmine in moonlight
a slow growing southern treat
winter can unfurl
Better to be still
held in memory, a smile
Viewed when you need it
The warmth of winter
radiating from the south,
waiting to enfold.
bleak the path becomes
when we expect summer heat
yet feel bitter cold
The role of the muse
is to inspire the passions
myriad, though they may be.
Don’t expect summer.
Rather, be the source of heat:
radiant and true.
The list of traits I require:
- Cannot hate their mother;
- Cannot be in or formerly in the Army: Active, Guard or Reserve;
- Cannot be less than 30 years old or more than 40 years old;
- Cannot be an adrenaline junkie;
- No misanthropists;
- No misogynists;
- No racists;
- No bigots;
- No bullies;
- Must have a good vocabulary;
- Must be honorable;
- Must read books;
- Should expect as much as I do;
- Should believe in respect, trust, loyalty, and honesty;
- Must practice No. 14;
- Must believe omission is the same as a lie;
- Must have outside interests;
- Must dance;
- Must be able to drive a stick shift; and
- Must not have any unsupported children.
Don’t forget to play! It keeps you young…..