Tag Archives: thankful

Positive thoughts and creation of reality…..

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Positive thoughts and creation of reality…..

I really have been neglecting my blog….out living life and being in love and junk…… but I do think of you often…. my readers 😉 But I wanted to share this with you as I was salvaging my poor dying computer’s data onto a gigantic TB external hard drive…..

I am also doing this thankfulness thing on Facebook….And my November 2nd thankfulness? I am thankful for love and Damon.

Proof that things can be created with thought…especially when working with powerful people… Cody and Alanna helped on this…. and the list below? I wrote that in February/March and lo and behold…. come July BAM. Got it.

I only ever wanted to fall asleep smiling.

 Sleeping while smiling

a most admirable feat,

Seen by another

 

Smiling in ones sleep

One of many things we know,

Only through others.

 

secrets shared between

lucid dreams and reverie

trust as a real verb

 

When vulnerable,

we allow our hearts to bloom;

a midnight blossom.

 

Jasmine in moonlight

a slow growing southern treat

winter can unfurl

 

Better to be still

held in memory, a smile

Viewed when you need it

 

The warmth of winter

radiating from the south,

waiting to enfold.

 

bleak the path becomes

when we expect summer heat

yet feel bitter cold

 

The role of the muse

is to inspire the passions

myriad, though they may be.

 

Don’t expect summer.

Rather, be the source of heat:

radiant and true.

The list of traits I require:

  1. Cannot hate their mother;
  2. Cannot be in or formerly in the Army: Active, Guard or Reserve;
  3. Cannot be less than 30 years old or more than 40 years old;
  4. Cannot be an adrenaline junkie;
  5. No misanthropists;
  6. No misogynists;
  7. No racists;
  8. No bigots;
  9. No bullies;
  10. Must have a good vocabulary;
  11. Must be honorable;
  12. Must read books;
  13. Should expect as much as I do;
  14. Should believe in respect, trust, loyalty, and honesty;
  15. Must practice No. 14;
  16. Must believe omission is the same as a lie;
  17. Must have outside interests;
  18. Must dance;
  19. Must be able to drive a stick shift; and
  20. Must not have any unsupported children.

Huzzah Muthatruckas!

Don’t forget to play! It keeps you young…..

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Gratitudinis

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Gratitudinis

I have apparently been not counting my blessings recently and being a little bitch. So I figure I need to put them somewhere so that whatever powers that be can stop punching me in the ovaries.

Rather than feeling sorry for myself re: my effing car sitting on the side of the road with some sort of electrical malady, I must thank and appreciate that I have such amazing friends that they would leave a Father’s Day dinner with their parents who came from San Fran, just to help me out.

Rather than freaking out about the nonrefundable plans I have this weekend and my potential inability to follow through on them because of said mechanical maladies; I must thank and appreciate that those same friends have offered me their extra car to make it happen for no other reason than it is important to me: no questions asked.

Rather than become a hysterical and stereotypical female because I start work tomorrow and my car needs some acupuncture; I must thank and appreciate the fact that my awesome neighbor friend is letting me use their extra car to get to work.

Couple this with the following facts:

  • I didn’t get creamed by a Peterbilt on the side of the road,
  • I have a job,
  • I just got my masters,
  • my health rocks,
  • my kids health rocks,
  • my friends and family came and hung with me for a few days from 120-753 miles away,
  • As if that wasn’t proof enough, they all proved they still love me despite my obvious social ineptitudes at hosting >5 people at a time,
  • Ergo, they kept me liquored up and fed….while leaving the remaining spirits at my house,
  • All of my bills are paid and I have a wee bit of money left over…if this car shit was going to happen, better now than 2 weeks ago,
  • I no longer have the responsibility of an animal I never wanted,
  • I have a nice home and I can afford it,
  • I still have the ability to find humor and hope in my otherwise ovary punching life,
  • I have friends that have secret skills I didn’t know about like being hobby mechanics and owning diagnostic code scanners,
  • Many of my friends own more than one car and trust me enough they allow me to borrow one,
  • I own a car that has never stranded me until today in over 8 years including when I almost totaled it…It still drove away and ran for over a year while I saved up my deductible,
  • I missed my redneck friends and realized I have new ones ;),
  • My car wasn’t injured whilst being towed,
  • I don’t have any problems that aren’t fat white american first world problems,
  • I have pretty fucking amazing friends and family,
  • I officially feel like I have a social support system in this town.

Woo-fucking-saw.

It will be ok.

In fact, everything is already ok.

It’s pretty fucking awesome right now.

The terms in which I think of reality….

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The terms in which I think of reality….

by Allen Ginsburg has to be one of my favorite poems. It comes back to me at different stages in my life as I ponder what is real and what is perception, what is emotion and what is chemical and whether they are all the same anyway…

This week has been a roller coaster and I am left contemplating such deep things that it makes my chest heave and my breath seize.

I have many things to be grateful for, so many in fact I cannot even fathom a guess to how long that list would be. Yet I still find myself worrying about things that I cannot control or affect anymore than I am so I must just let go.

Is there a 12 step program for control?

I have a friend who just found out their partner has a pretty progressed brain cancer that may or may not be treatable at this point; they have no insurance. All they can do is hope and wait and cope in ways less than healthy. Some social worker I am, all I can do is say I am sorry and that sucks. Try to offer band-aid solutions. I know they appreciate it, but I feel so helpless and then I feel bad that I feel anything. This is about them, not me. Their reality and mine in this situation are so different. I can’t join theirs but I can be there as a shoulder. That’s all. I have to let go of thinking I can do anything else at this point.

And that isn’t me seeking to feel apathetic.

I have friends that are only now starting the process of long term relationships and maybe marriage and careers and buying houses and thinking about children and I kind of resent that they are there now, with all this preparation and education and money to make it work. But I KNOW that all of those things don’t make it easier, just different so why am I jealous?

Been there done that and it never suits for me long…I have wanderlust. I never want anything for long. I’ve come to the conclusion that traditional life trajectories never will work for me because it isn’t what I want, it’s what I have been conditioned to think I want…Perhaps that is a rationalization…I don’t know.

Sour grapes.

Then I think about it being Memorial Day weekend and all the people who won’t be bbq’ing and all the people who are away from their families because they chose to serve and it makes me feel pretty fucking selfish for feeling sorry for myself being away from my family because I chose to move away for a man and all the other ridiculous reasons I told myself it was for.

Then I think about my baby brother going to Afghanistan. And my other friends going to Korea and Cambodia. And my uncle is probably going to end up somewhere because that is just what the 116th does, they go somewhere always. And then I think about my son wanting to enlist in a year and just

WHOA

Shit gets heavy.

My life is good. I have fat white American first world problems.

Those are the comparative terms in which I think of my reality.

Hug your peoples.

And today I am grateful…

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And today I am grateful…

For learning experiences that challenge me and fulfill me.

For interactions with people different from me.

For opportunities to give and receive feedback.

For healthy and amazing kids.

For unbroken toes that allow me to walk in ridiculously hot, haute, uncomfortable shoes.

For short months.

For health.

For friends.

For the ability to tell friends I love them and am thinking of them while they go through scary things. (AR you have my thoughts and alllllll my hoobie joobie.)

For friends who tell me they love me and are thinking of me while I go through scary things.

For the ability to learn and grow and understand my childhood and persona.

For the privilege of grad school and student loans.

For stargazer lilies.

For tattooed men.

For tattooed women.

For Kisha, sunflowers and the grateful dead.

For human interaction.

For broken hearts and first loves.

For love.

For hate.

For the capacity to feel both.

For unending lists of things I am grateful for.

For life.

xoxo,

Jani