The immense weight of
A single finger touching,
Exploding my heart.
Haven’t done one of these in a couple years. Seems fitting as I am in my 38th year… which is the year I’ve been thinking about since I was 19 years old.
It’s been a wild ride.
And a long life.
Hopefully, I get 38 more years.
1. Codependent is not the same as interdependent… no matter how you package it, some people will never understand the difference.
2. Never take friendships for granted; even after 28 years, they can end without proper maintenance. Even with proper maintenance, people grow apart. That’s ok.
3. There are social contracts that we all must abide by, to some extent. However, any social contract that requires you to be anything but your authentic self (save for concrete moral deviance) can go fuck themselves. This is your life. You probably only get one. Love it. Live it. Choose it. You’re the driver.
4. “Stairway to heaven” really is truth. 🎵“Yes, there are two paths you can go by… But in the long run…There’s still time to change the road you’re on.”🎵 Two paths. Fear or love.
5. If you’re all the way right or all the way left, you can’t see the whole picture. Take a couple steps back and listen.
6. Echo chambers are bad.
7. Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is stop parenting.
8. You can lose/leave most of your things and be happy.
9. Dogs really are better than cats. By a small margin. But still better.
10. Money definitely doesn’t buy happiness. Always choose the job that feeds your soul. If you’re doing things right, someone will feed your belly.
11. When you have enough to feed your belly, feed someone else’s. When you have enough to feed your soul, feed someone else’s.
12. Energy is cyclic. I knew that years ago but I was definitely reminded repeatedly this year. Be mindful of the energy you put out. It’s easy to become comfortable, complacent, and forget.
13. Choose love. Even if it ends badly, you will end up better for it. You can leave with love. You can lead with love. You can heal with love. Always love yourself first. Insert some cliche about airplane oxygen masks.
14. Experiences are better than things. But… sweet gestures are still sweet.
15. Excitement and exuberance count. More than you realize.
16. Gratitude begets gratitude.
17. Douglas Adams really is a genius.
18. You can be aware and understand without co-opting and/or being offended. It really isn’t about you.
19. Except when it is… if you have a boundary, don’t let yourself or anyone else violate it.
20. There is healthy shame and unhealthy shame… learn the difference.
21. People tell you who they are and what they want through actions. You have to listen and watch. They often contradict each other.
22. Timing is everything. Sometimes things circle back around when you’re ready, sometimes they don’t because they were only there for the lesson.
23. The world, and humans, haven’t really changed. Comparisons are moot.
24. You can’t save anyone but yourself.
25. And Hobo Johnson/Frank is a lyrical genius.
I guess I finally agree.
It’s probably best you chose not to play with me,
I would have loved you.
I would have loved you even when I didn’t like you;
When you didn’t want me to.
When you didn’t love yourself.
I’d have taken care of myself, for you, and you, for me.
And I would have loved you.
I’d have listened:
to you breathing as you slept,
your thoughts when they were so deafening,
And your words quiet and loud, when you would share:
I’d have steadied your hands when they shook while you spoke,
Placed a hand upon your chest when you quietly raged about fathers and why their kids stuttersuck… all to choke down their feelings of humiliation and fear…
Kissed you upon every entry,
Every single tear,
Every single night.
Laughed in joy,
settled into rare silence,
gazed in awe,
and continued to glow
in your mere presence.
I would have. But yes…
Yes, it’s probably best you decided not to play with me.
Because I KNOW.
I would have definitely loved you.
Paths that were taken which seemed very strange and unproductive, rebellious and against the grain, reveal their true endgame; upon reflection.
Stuff starts to come together in the most unusual ways.
And yet, things make sense in hindsight.
Sometimes you end up somewhere you didn’t anticipate.
It’s an interesting supposition…fate
BY RALPH WALDO EMERSON
It was never Disney.
It was never my parents.
It was never, well…mostly never movies….damn you the notebook!….
THIS is the standard I have always sought to attain:
Particularly around 2:30-2:45…..
That is the good stuff.
Too bad we know how the story ends.
C’est La Vie.
But for what it is worth, Lindsey Buckingham is by far one of the most underrated guitarists ever….*swoon*
I just had an epiphany while lost in deep near meditative thought (is that an oxymoron? meditative thought….hm). Anyhoo…I realized that since my move to the Pacific Northwest last June, I hadn’t really made any friends. Now partially, this is because I haven’t really tried; it is also a self-imposed-quasi-societal-restraint. I really don’t like many females, never have had many female friends (I’ve dated women, but only long enough to realize I really can’t get along with them) and find myself better friends with males…HOWEVER while in a relationship with a man having old male friends is uncomfortable enough, making new ones is just plain drama.
I don’t care how secure your ‘man” is, you start bringing around new guy friends that aren’t gay and it causes static. At least that has ALWAYS been my experience.
What was my point? Oh yes. Females. Women. Girls. Ladies. Chickas. La Feminina…
I haven’t made any new female friends.
That is until recently. Perhaps it is simply the fact that I am in school again and have the opportunities to meet more people or perhaps it is something else. I like to believe that every relationship happens for a reason. Even the bad ones. You learn something about yourself, others, life, whatever. There is a point. When it seems like you have the same relationships over and over, you have somehow MISSED the intended point. So it is presented again in a slightly different albeit similar packaging. Similar enough to be comforting and disarming, different enough to be new and novel. This can happen repeatedly until you get it right and no longer need to attract that same cycle, because you have already mastered it.
Well, in my oxymoronic state as mentioned above, I realized that I am now in the midst of a triad!
A fantastical triad that appeals to my spiritual self.
Maiden. Mother. Crone.
It’s not just a tattoo on my back anymore!
*Now, if the women I am about to talk about actually read this, I hope they are not offended. I am not calling one naive or one old.*
That is not my intent at all so with that caveat lector, let me explain:
The first person I met from my triad, I met this summer at the Cascade Aids Project Aids Walk. We bantered a little, but not much. She is about 8 years younger than I, I think, and married military. No kids. She reminds me of who I think I would have been had I not got married and had kids when I was a kid. She is my maiden. Not because she is naive, but because she is wise and independent and is learning about herself as much as I hope I am finally.
The second person from my triad, I met in a class. She intimidated me but reminded me in energy and spirit of my best friend, Rachael, in Idaho. I was attracted to her and probably freaked her out in the beginning. She is former military, divorced, no kids. She reminds me of who I would have been had I not got married and had kids when I was a kid. She is my crone. Not because she is old, but because she is wise and independent, knows herself as well as I hope to someday.
I, by way of luck, am the mother. I’m right in the middle, divorced then married military, and a mother of a boy child and a girl child. Hopefully there is some reciprocity between us all. I think it is pretty much Kismet that we are all in the same program at such varying stages of our lives.
I also seem to have made a few other female friends in the last couple weeks just by following my gut, including my newest neighbor that was looking at a different house and I kinda went out on a limb and showed her a different house, completely unsolicited. I am excited to start having block parties.
I have never made female friends so easily. I am growing! YAY!
I’m attracting all sorts of feminine energy into my world….