I’ve subdued my urges-
As often as I can…
Quieting the undesired parts of self.
But still… it’s not enough-
Now, inactions aren’t enough…
Words now forbidden-chastised-shamed-
Have you ever wanted something so bad,
you work and sacrifice….
Go a little mad…
Obtain said goal.
As though you had been…
chasing the proverbial dragon,
you are again unsatisfied?
Its easy to feel very sad and isolated-
Lonely in this big house-
Full of white noise and silences…
Inconsistently closed yet open doors.
Still trying to adjust- adapt…
Handle all the new noises
Suppress all the annoying ones,
Lament the loss of the old ones;
Not regret not covet-
Missing the tiny place somehow-
Although cramped quarters-
Happiness was found in those small spaces;
No choice but intimacy-
And shared purpose.
Thought I was the Gallium,
It seems I am the Indium.
Electricity shorts out in tears-
you can’t predict.
I want to be surrounded:
Find myself mixing in
Like T-1000, shapeshifting
All the parts of myself
into a palatable poison.
I make a sufficient version
Of a reflective surface
To provide you foundation
Liquid transistors from
Your quick silver mouth,
Unintentionally spewing mercury.
Not understanding the rise in heat…
As I stretch myself into thin circuits.
While in non-consensual secrecy,
I constantly pour myself out.
Waiting for the reciprocal…
(All the while, knowing the odds)
Praying for a recharge.
Poking keys into outlets-
Waiting for the spark-
(That I known is going to hurt…)
Pressing tiny diodes,
Like perpetual LEDs,
Embedded in fully cured resin.
An unassuming alloy,
Hidden and presented as an ally,
for the moment…
you decide to let me in.
Another crystal lattice,
I should have known better.
(should know better.)
I’ve seen this pattern before.
But here I am,
Tonguing all the nine volts,
Wishing you would just touch me.
It’s a heavy realization:
Reflecting on 39 years
You are the most prolific liar in your life…And always have been.
Personally, I can convince myself that everything is true;
“The right choice.”
Rarely am I telling myself the truth-
Especially not in my head.
Haven’t done one of these in a couple years. Seems fitting as I am in my 38th year… which is the year I’ve been thinking about since I was 19 years old.
It’s been a wild ride.
And a long life.
Hopefully, I get 38 more years.
1. Codependent is not the same as interdependent… no matter how you package it, some people will never understand the difference.
2. Never take friendships for granted; even after 28 years, they can end without proper maintenance. Even with proper maintenance, people grow apart. That’s ok.
3. There are social contracts that we all must abide by, to some extent. However, any social contract that requires you to be anything but your authentic self (save for concrete moral deviance) can go fuck themselves. This is your life. You probably only get one. Love it. Live it. Choose it. You’re the driver.
4. “Stairway to heaven” really is truth. 🎵“Yes, there are two paths you can go by… But in the long run…There’s still time to change the road you’re on.”🎵 Two paths. Fear or love.
5. If you’re all the way right or all the way left, you can’t see the whole picture. Take a couple steps back and listen.
6. Echo chambers are bad.
7. Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is stop parenting.
8. You can lose/leave most of your things and be happy.
9. Dogs really are better than cats. By a small margin. But still better.
10. Money definitely doesn’t buy happiness. Always choose the job that feeds your soul. If you’re doing things right, someone will feed your belly.
11. When you have enough to feed your belly, feed someone else’s. When you have enough to feed your soul, feed someone else’s.
12. Energy is cyclic. I knew that years ago but I was definitely reminded repeatedly this year. Be mindful of the energy you put out. It’s easy to become comfortable, complacent, and forget.
13. Choose love. Even if it ends badly, you will end up better for it. You can leave with love. You can lead with love. You can heal with love. Always love yourself first. Insert some cliche about airplane oxygen masks.
14. Experiences are better than things. But… sweet gestures are still sweet.
15. Excitement and exuberance count. More than you realize.
16. Gratitude begets gratitude.
17. Douglas Adams really is a genius.
18. You can be aware and understand without co-opting and/or being offended. It really isn’t about you.
19. Except when it is… if you have a boundary, don’t let yourself or anyone else violate it.
20. There is healthy shame and unhealthy shame… learn the difference.
21. People tell you who they are and what they want through actions. You have to listen and watch. They often contradict each other.
22. Timing is everything. Sometimes things circle back around when you’re ready, sometimes they don’t because they were only there for the lesson.
23. The world, and humans, haven’t really changed. Comparisons are moot.
24. You can’t save anyone but yourself.
25. And Hobo Johnson/Frank is a lyrical genius.
Venn diagrams of romantic love;
Do we teach?
Do we learn?
Love or fear?
There are only two paths…
Neurologically speaking in fact, through the Limbic.
All choices guided by one or the other:
Love? Trust? Be?
As the verb or the noun?
Pair bonds… cultural or chemical?
They are not the same…
Labels do not cement:
What is the choice?
Ah, but sweet limerence…
Fear of missing out,
Hedge your bets,
Invest no time, OR
I guess I finally agree.
It’s probably best you chose not to play with me,
I would have loved you.
I would have loved you even when I didn’t like you;
When you didn’t want me to.
When you didn’t love yourself.
I’d have taken care of myself, for you, and you, for me.
And I would have loved you.
I’d have listened:
to you breathing as you slept,
your thoughts when they were so deafening,
And your words quiet and loud, when you would share:
I’d have steadied your hands when they shook while you spoke,
Placed a hand upon your chest when you quietly raged about fathers and why their kids stuttersuck… all to choke down their feelings of humiliation and fear…
Kissed you upon every entry,
Every single tear,
Every single night.
Laughed in joy,
settled into rare silence,
gazed in awe,
and continued to glow
in your mere presence.
I would have. But yes…
Yes, it’s probably best you decided not to play with me.
Because I KNOW.
I would have definitely loved you.
Ubiquitous coupling of individuals:
dating, seeing, hooking up, hoping…
Such hope, misshapen and oft, mistakenly placed
Among those who could be a catalyst…
For the exchange of energy
A soft place to fall
A mirror for reflection
Can you be trusted?
Can you trust?
Me in a vulnerable place
You in a similar position
Our traumas they resound
Like echoes they attract
Signal like a beacon
Other lost souls
to find their way back
Pain is sensual
An illusion we embrace
But the questions still remains:
Can we hold hands?
Lead each other;
through the forest,
Do we walk toward light
Or retreat back to the dark…
Fear feels safe…