You’re not calling me to sing-
Now I hate this phone.
A useless distraction throughout my day;
And I found my ring-
I’ve been wearing it since you’re gone.
It sits right where the lines began to fade;
I did all the dishes in the sink-
I’ve been avoiding them all week.
I don’t see the point for it anymore;
You texted me just to say g’night-
The text went no further than it might.
But I wish it had.
My seemingly loving efforts appear to have been~
regardless of my good intentions.
That stupid fucking realization:
“The grass only grew when we left it alone.”
And I then-
Well, I looked at my hands;
each rubbing the other like it would somehow bring the other- comfort…
and I flashed upon a memory…
a memory of my father~
wringing his hands…
Because there’s nothing else you can do when “rainy days and Mondays always bring you down…”
I wished that it was all gaslighting-
I cannot deny my own part in the fire-
that fire that burnt everything.
Everything we loved-
Everything we planned-
All the things we planted-
I am the common denominator who just…
Just brought it to it’s knees and then to a-
To a bitter fucking end.
And everything I thought I knew
and everything I was meant to do-
Was smoldering… kindling~
Left to mildew:
Mildew like forgotten laundry in the wash~
The kind you forget because you think you’re happy;
you are busy;
you feel content.
Then and only then-
do you realize:
you left it;
left it TOO long~
in the rain… and also;
On the line-
and now it’s sour;
That smell can not be washed out.
Bob Marley once said:
“You may not be her first,
her last, or her only.
She loved before
she may love again.
But if she loves you now,
what else matters?
She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day,
but she will give you a part of her
that she knows you can break—her heart.
So don’t hurt her,
don’t change her,
don’t analyze and
don’t expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy,
let her know when she makes you mad,
and miss her when she’s not there.
Love with your whole being when you receive love.
Because there are no perfect girls, but there will always be a girl who is perfect for you..”
I see it now-
Why you couldn’t love me:
The things I overdid.
The things I should not have done.
Like the pie-
What I saw as a romantic gesture:
A few weeks too soon.
Questioning my motives.
Strange continued reflections-
That at this point should be moot:
Strawberry Rhubarb learnin.
I never should have made you a pie
Counting the days you’d sing to me;
Learning the dance between our moods-
The formula of actions and reactions;
equations and the variables…
Balancing against days I pray;
to just be treated like a dog.
How did it happen-
the only one alone here;
Me. Again. Of course.
Walking the damn line-
Praying for spiritual strength
And fast Benedryl.
I can’t stand the silence;
More so now, than ever before.
My emotional reactions-
Full of hope, I choose to ignore.
I long for grounding;
A way to separate our energies.
My sympathetic feels-
Overwhelm me with anxieties.
I recognize similarities;
Our resonant trauma echoes.
My appreciation of you-
Empathy tips the dominoes.
Surrounded by the ever present Spectre of death…
Mortality itself has haunted since the 11th year-
Family & friends dying like the Hemingways and Fondas having a competition…
Addictions and violence permeate a life… a society… a culture.
Supporting those you love,
Facing my own fears;
Tasked with aiding those in grief…
A lifetime of training?
They don’t tell you the right things to say…
Or even the wrong things to say.
“It will always come in waves… they just get further between…”
Weak tea for the knock kneed.
Birth to death and all between;
Beautiful acceptance to righteous anger-
Fuck this mortal coil.
What a compounding thought-
Reflecting on my daddy issues;
My insane need for a father figure…
What I needed was a foundation-
“The all father”
for all intents and purposes-
An education on faith-
Repentance AND reconciliation.
A basis for growth- a reason for service and understanding of trauma-
And finally- a present presence.
I’ve subdued my urges-
As often as I can…
Quieting the undesired parts of self.
But still… it’s not enough-
Now, inactions aren’t enough…
Words now forbidden-chastised-shamed-