I’m still waiting to not miss you- 

It’s been months since you’ve been gone

(…Maybe even years)

I don’t miss the days of silence- 

It’s so quiet and still, less alone

(… Much less frequent tears)

You’re still in nearly all my dreams-

You’ve become some sort of archetype

(… Mostly for my fears)

You cross my mind I feel gut punched- 

You affect me still in this way

(… Memories trigger gears)

I haven’t even had a kiss-

I try to put myself out there

(…  Move away when it nears)

Did I dream or did I wake- 

Daily wake up in a foggy panic

(…  Mad at me when it clears)

And yet- I’m waiting to not miss you-

Bathtub thoughts

Bathtub thoughts

Lately I’ve been pondering;

What it’s like to drown-

Knowing that it’s the will to live~

That… gasping- 

Sometimes brings eventual demise. 

And also;

How clever people are-

The older that they get~

At blurring… gulps to live-

Versus means… to not. 



So my counselor has a new theory-

discovered only on our final visit.

I’m a “RAD” adult- you know…

the anxious-ambivalent kind.

I love you!

I hate you!

(But please don’t leave me.)


I don’t think it’s that.

I think you’ve grown accustomed to the me I’ve tried to be.

I wear the suit and say the words-

But ad-libbing is not considered kosher-

And I must be a racist cause I said that.

And you know what the score is-

cause you said that.


Why am I alone when I’m around you?

They tore down my childhood;

but I’m without you.

You’re sitting right there-

but I don’t hear you.

I guess I can never go home.



It’s just you’re Everything-


A reminder of every one-

I’m not blind.

Memories of patterns…

But amplified.

A new Want-

to be wanted.

No longer needing-

to be needed.

Growth comes in waves-

Big waves can sink ships.

What chance can we have?



You’re not calling me to sing-

Now I hate this phone.

A useless distraction throughout my day;

And I found my ring-

I’ve been wearing it since you’re gone.

It sits right where the lines began to fade;

I did all the dishes in the sink-

I’ve been avoiding them all week.

I don’t see the point for it anymore;

You texted me just to say g’night-

The text went no further than it might.

But I wish it had.



My seemingly loving efforts appear to have been~

regardless of my good intentions.

That stupid fucking realization:

“The grass only grew when we left it alone.”

And I then-

Well, I looked at my hands;         

each rubbing the other like it would somehow bring the other- comfort…

and I flashed upon a memory…

a memory of my father~

wringing his hands…

Because there’s nothing else you can do when “rainy days and Mondays always bring you down…”

I wished that it was all gaslighting-


I cannot deny my own part in the fire-

that fire that burnt everything.

Everything we loved-

Everything we planned-

All the things we planted-

Prayed for.


I am the common denominator who just…

Just brought it to it’s knees and then to a-


To a bitter fucking end.

And everything I thought I knew

and everything I was meant to do-

Was smoldering… kindling~


Left to mildew:

Mildew like forgotten laundry in the wash~

Dirty laundry-

a chore.

You know.

The kind you forget because you think you’re happy;

you are busy;


you feel content.

Then and only then-

do you realize:

you left it;

left it TOO long~


in the rain… and also;

On the line-

and now it’s sour;


That smell can not be washed out.


Goddamn it.