Peaks and valleys or Axis II? just kidding, DSM 5 uses no axes.

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Peaks and valleys or Axis II? just kidding, DSM 5 uses no axes.

As always, in this non-stop over-analytical brain of mine, I have been pondering a lot of things as of late; mainly the fact that over and over again I am told that I am a narcissist due to my verbal observations that I am the common denominator in all of my failures, from relationships to interoffice communications. I have been reflecting on this a lot, as I was studying for my clinical board exam. (I do not fit the criteria, in case you were wondering).

However I do find that I tend to be a pessimist, I feel paranoid often, and I make trust issues themselves suspicious. It’s a thing. I know it. I have done lots of therapy over the years.

As a teenager, I used to tell people I was bipolar, as if it were a cool thing…something to be proud of that explained how much of a special, creative, and emotional snowflake I was… Not knowing how fucked up that was. Ignorance is bliss right? But I do know that I have occasionally fit the criteria for a variety of personality disorders, namely dependent and/or borderline personality disorder, but they wax and waned over the years to the point that while I may feel it sometimes it is no longer acutely “diagnosable”(sp). I know that is the least professional way to put it but I am not sure how else to word it. Go with me, please.

Many times, I have found that I am jealous of people that are bubbly, happy, ridiculously positive. I have even caught myself assuming that they are less intelligent than I. I mean come on, how can you know what is happening in the world and still be that FUCKING happy? But the world is always fucked up. I have nothing to show that it will ever be anything else. We just have more knowledge of it these days, right? So what is the secret? Mindfulness? Ignorance? “staying present”? How do you get there? I believe that thoughts are things and that aside from being a commercial success, things like “The Secret” have something to them, albeit financially fleecing as they are. That does not mean they are not correct, real, or accurate. If the people getting rich and being successful from sharing this info are doing it, then huzzah, it works? Who knows. But how do you maintain it? How do you stay positive, happy, etc in the life we are given?

It seems to me that there is a common theme throughout all written history of humans, we suck, we are unhappy, and yet, we persist. We run the spectrum, from being capable of the worst things imaginable, to being capable of the most awe inspiring things. I always think of the movie, The Abyss and the part at the end where the distraught aliens decide NOT to annihilate us because of this observation. There is always the question of why, for what, how come, what is the meaning, what is happy, how do you find it, etc etc etc.. I have no illusions of being a special or creative snowflake for thinking about this. I am no narcissist in this regard. But really, how do people do it?

What is THE SECRET?

How do you feel satisfaction and fulfillment in a sustainable way? How do you maintain relationships? Jobs? Sanity?

How do you become a Katie fucking Couric? So maddeningly fucking positive that you can find a direction and impetus in tragedy?

How do you stay in the moment, when everything is distracting you with shiny lights or terrifying depths?

You know, asking for a friend.

 

Sucks to suck. 

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Sucks to suck. 

“Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”…

Always seemed like a terrible premise,

Until you.

I wish I could erase it 

as much as I never

ever

ever

ever want to forget. 

As soon as I decide my memory is wrong,

it wasn’t what I thought.

I’m only remembering positive things. 

Selective memory….

I come across something proving I wasn’t.

It was real.

It is real. 

It was possible for me. 

Then…
regret. 

Overthinking. 

Dwelling in the past. 

Praying for a redo. 

Scaling all against it. 

How can an experience fix you 

Yet break you 

all at the same time?

I wish I could hate you. 

Instead I hate me. 

Vernal Reveries

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Vernal Reveries

And it’s only now, that I get it.

Naivety and overconfidence. What a combo. 

 What though the radiance which was once so bright

 Be now for ever taken from my sight,

 Though nothing can bring back the hour

 Of splendour in the grass,

 of glory in the flower,

 We will grieve not, rather find

 Strength in what remains behind;

 In the primal sympathy

 Which having been must ever be;

 In the soothing thoughts that spring

 Out of human suffering;

 In the faith that looks through death,

 In years that bring the philosophic mind.

~ William Wordsworth

How could I forget?

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How could I forget?

How much I love(d) Sarah McLachlan… whilst listening a soul sucking mean social media music provider, this song came on: Drawn to the rhythm and afterward I fell in a rabbit hole. The second CD that I ever bought was ‘fumbling towards ecstasy’. I think I was 13 or 14 and I spent the next few months with it on repeat constantly. I really felt connected to the words/songs and thought that they meant one thing, and I suppose then it did. I listened to the entire album today. I found myself instantly reconnecting. It was like visiting an old friend, one that you held secrets with and wax nostalgic but realize how much you’ve both changed. You realize with age and hindsight your previous way of understanding things are no longer the reality. 

To you at least, everything has changed and you have a hard time remembering what made you love them before, because you didn’t even know then, the things that make you love them now. Ha. Perhaps this doesn’t make anymore sense in written form than it did outloud, but in my mind it was quite a profound thought to me. 

Which led me to the train of thought about sharing things with friends or people you consider to wise, as you respect and value what they think and say. I’ve been having some pretty big contemplations as I’m want to do, as soon as things slow down, become complacent, comfortable (usually during the winter). I started thinking about the people that I would talk to then, and now, and the differences in how I would make decisions based upon what they would say. For example, I need to make a couple big decisions in the very near future and if I asked ten of my “go to people” (ha, ten is a stretch of people I would talk to about things) and how I could anticipate the ten, very different opinions they would give. They would be based on who they are, what they know about me, what they know about the situations, where they are in their own moods, lives, development, maturity, what they could have to gain or lose based on the outcome of the decision, etc. etc. etc.

And like the lyrics and meanings of songs, it’s all up to the listener’s present, their parallels to draw, their position to filter through. 

So how does one make a decision about big things? Do you meditate? Ask your parent? What if that’s not an option? Peers? Siblings? Bosses? Therapist? TAROT for goddess’s sake? (Which again, is just like the lyrics… concrete definitions are applied to the words which communicate the meaning of the song but what is heard and inferred, well… that’s on the listener.)

Who knows. Maybe I just think too much. Just watch the lovely Sarah not trying to guilt you into gifting to the ASPCA. Isn’t she beautiful? Ughhh it kills me. 


Seasons of the witch

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Seasons of the witch

And I performed all the rituals;

To excise you from my being:

I said the words, I sang the songs,

I burned the poppets, offerings, and herbs.

The vernal equinox brought forlorn surrender

With all my naked tears, 

thrown at the ocean.

Midsummer brought quiet understanding

Still the skyclad blood dance was all for naught.

Acceptance turned to woken realization,

The exorcism had not uncleaved…     

My self imposed division.

The queen of cups,

Fooled again.

The knight of swords,
Had lied.

Time brought on the autumnal passing.

Themes of knowledge and woe,

Of things that cannot be unsaid, unknown.

Samhain a solemn reminder,

Of the work remaining to be done.

The full moon purge,

The blessings be,

The earth is coming full circle.

Magick done. 

Keeping all the kings in the back row…

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Keeping all the kings in the back row…

It’s been five months, the interwebs tell me, since I posted a new blog. It made me wonder why and I began reviewing the past five months, the past ten months, the past year, decade, life. I’ve been trying to remember who I was, who I am, who I am becoming, who I want(ed) to become. I believe that people don’t really change who they are, character wise; but beliefs and behaviors and experiences definitely alter the way that core self presents itself. Without getting all geeky and social workery, and keeping a trauma informed frame of reference, I’ve come to the following thought processes I am still clarifying internally:

Happiness isn’t only a noun. Like trust, it is a verb as well. A state of being. We all seem to seek it, we may delude ourselves into believing things are altruistic or selfless, but peace, true peace and grace in the sense of happiness, are mere moments we sometimes work for and sometimes come easily. They can be fleeting, lasting only a moment, no longer than a blink, a kiss, a memory. Or they may last 97 days. But there are two guarantees in terms of happiness: as long as you are consciously living (maybe when you aren’t) these moments will always end, and come again. Sometimes it’s longer between moments, sometimes they are so quick to cycle you don’t notice the breaks.

Personally, as long as I can remember, contentment eludes me most times for whatever reason. But I have the moments, glimpses that get me through to the next one. I get bored and unsatisfied with every facet of my being, but if I can keep from destroying things too permanently in the interim, I’m able to know I am okay. I am always okay. As I have matured, I’ve realized it is better to destroy my hair, paint a wall, bite my nails til they bleed… rather than walking out on jobs, people, friends, places, etc. but subconsciously I think I still check out. Some in my world realize this about me, and love me anyway. Some people know it but don’t understand it. They take it as a personal affront and push me away. But that’s okay, too. Everyone outgrows people and situations. Everyone has their own happiness to mitigate and manage. I find it easier to console and regulate myself as I get older, what used to be dissociation and borderline personality tendencies has become more nostalgia and rueful, but with a sense of peace. It’s odd.

As previously stated, I’m still processing things. I’m very proud that I have learned to forgive myself and see beauty in myself others saw and I denied. For the most part anyway, I still full on have moments of doubt and self loathing, to be sure. But even more obvious than grace, these moments are shorter. I consciously realize when I am feeling regret and doubt in my world. And I can just as easily talk myself out of it, but it’s work. It’s a verb. Love is a verb. Self love is sometimes the hardest. Learning to stop internalizing negativity and reframing it into a palatable lesson has been the crux of this year. I’m thankful for the immense amount of pain I have felt. The sense of loss. The ability to be so wrecked by something I find myself lying on the ground in a totally inconsolable heap. Because I can get up. I can still be okay. I can be loved and love again. I can accept things in the forms that I did not want. Or did not plan. I can keep going. I can be happy to have what I have, despite it not being what I dreamed or imagined. I choose peace.

And so it goes.

Silver linings.

“I can’t explain what I mean. And even if I could, I’m not sure I’d feel like it.” ~ Salinger