I’m still waiting to not miss you-
It’s been months since you’ve been gone
(…Maybe even years)
I don’t miss the days of silence-
It’s so quiet and still, less alone
(… Much less frequent tears)
You’re still in nearly all my dreams-
You’ve become some sort of archetype
(… Mostly for my fears)
You cross my mind I feel gut punched-
You affect me still in this way
(… Memories trigger gears)
I haven’t even had a kiss-
I try to put myself out there
(… Move away when it nears)
Did I dream or did I wake-
Daily wake up in a foggy panic
(… Mad at me when it clears)
And yet- I’m waiting to not miss you-
Like a warm body;
A pillow imitation-
Crescent shaped grief.
Sleep in the den now-
My room’s too far from the doors.
Never leave the cave.
to stop gardening men.
Rock gardening it is.
Lately I’ve been pondering;
What it’s like to drown-
Knowing that it’s the will to live~
Sometimes brings eventual demise.
How clever people are-
The older that they get~
At blurring… gulps to live-
Versus means… to not.
And I sewed and sewed-
Until my finger bled; but still-
One promise I kept.
So my counselor has a new theory-
discovered only on our final visit.
I’m a “RAD” adult- you know…
the anxious-ambivalent kind.
I love you!
I hate you!
(But please don’t leave me.)
I don’t think it’s that.
I think you’ve grown accustomed to the me I’ve tried to be.
I wear the suit and say the words-
But ad-libbing is not considered kosher-
And I must be a racist cause I said that.
And you know what the score is-
cause you said that.
Why am I alone when I’m around you?
They tore down my childhood;
but I’m without you.
You’re sitting right there-
but I don’t hear you.
I guess I can never go home.
It’s just you’re Everything-
A reminder of every one-
I’m not blind.
Memories of patterns…
A new Want-
to be wanted.
No longer needing-
to be needed.
Growth comes in waves-
Big waves can sink ships.
What chance can we have?
You’re not calling me to sing-
Now I hate this phone.
A useless distraction throughout my day;
And I found my ring-
I’ve been wearing it since you’re gone.
It sits right where the lines began to fade;
I did all the dishes in the sink-
I’ve been avoiding them all week.
I don’t see the point for it anymore;
You texted me just to say g’night-
The text went no further than it might.
But I wish it had.
My seemingly loving efforts appear to have been~
regardless of my good intentions.
That stupid fucking realization:
“The grass only grew when we left it alone.”
And I then-
Well, I looked at my hands;
each rubbing the other like it would somehow bring the other- comfort…
and I flashed upon a memory…
a memory of my father~
wringing his hands…
Because there’s nothing else you can do when “rainy days and Mondays always bring you down…”
I wished that it was all gaslighting-
I cannot deny my own part in the fire-
that fire that burnt everything.
Everything we loved-
Everything we planned-
All the things we planted-
I am the common denominator who just…
Just brought it to it’s knees and then to a-
To a bitter fucking end.
And everything I thought I knew
and everything I was meant to do-
Was smoldering… kindling~
Left to mildew:
Mildew like forgotten laundry in the wash~
The kind you forget because you think you’re happy;
you are busy;
you feel content.
Then and only then-
do you realize:
you left it;
left it TOO long~
in the rain… and also;
On the line-
and now it’s sour;
That smell can not be washed out.