“You’re hommmmmmeee!”

The best mornings start,

Like cheesy Folgers Christmas;

Whispers and cuppa.

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Hate(less)

On my way home from work, I often spend a lot of time thinking. It is a fairly long drive as far as regular commutes go so if I get bored of the comedy channel on my radio, I become almost meditative. I suppose it is actually at times a bit disassociative, because I often don’t really remember much about the drive. Anyhow, I digressed.

I have actually been listening to a lot of the music I listened to when I was younger, I guess in some sort of way to find my center, return to myself (this is actually going to be the subject of a post soon…). I haven’t listen to a lot of that music in recent years just because it tends to bring out a lot of anger and remind me of things I have tried to forget. But, in another one of life’s mysteries, as you grow and mature, you start seeing things through different lenses. Not unlike a person grows to view their childhood differently once they are adults, I was actually hearing the music and the lyrics as an adult instead of an angsty adolescent. To give you framework, I have been listening to the Korn channel on my Pandora, which plays primarily Tool, Korn, Three Days Grace, Staind, etc. based upon my likes and dislikes…it’s a little selective for me due to some magical form of AI or algorithm.

Yesterday, I heard the song I am posting at the bottom, and it started me thinking on the subject of “hate”. I say “I hate ____” a lot, usually in regard to people as a whole, rather than individuals mind you, but I tried really hard to think of if there was anyone I actually could say that I hated. And you know how many people I came up with?

ZERO.

Yep.  A big, fat, NADA. And this honestly surprised me. 

If I was to give you a quick little overview of my life, I think most people could find a few people in there that I could or should hate. But I came up with not one.

In fact, I couldn’t think of anything I actually hate.

Not even actions. And let me tell you, I am sure you already know but, humans are capable of terrible things. There are some things that I strongly dislike. There are things that I disagree with. There are things that I do not understand, in application, but understand as things that people do. But nothing that I hate.

I tried very hard to think about people that I could or should hate. And you know what? I couldn’t think of any. People that have wronged me, wronged my children, wronged other people’s children, etc. My current job puts me in a position to see some of the darkest things that people can and do in fact, do to each other and children. But, today, I found that the strongest feeling I could muster was pity. That is the closest I can come to hate.

As I realized this, I swear to sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus, I FELT LIGHTER. There was a physical perceivable CHANGE in my body. Like I have spent so many years, anticipating and experiencing the exhausting WORK of hating people and things that it was a physical weight upon me.

It was a relief, really.

So what did I actually want to share today? Just my knowledge, I guess. Knowledge that all that emotion and hate and anger and negativity was not doing anything but weighing me down. I had to flip it. Acknowledge that my negative feelings did not affect those I direct them at in a positive way. I only made myself heavier, dimmer.

Mercury Retrograde BE DAMNED I feel amazing.

I have had quite the empowering and cathartic last couple of weeks chock full of epiphanies and cosmic 2x4s.

One, I shall not write into narrative for you voyeuristic vampires whom I love. It involves self growth and reflecting on past relationships.

But when it dawned on me, it went something like this:

Then, I read this on my FaceCrack wall:

Wild Woman Sisterhood

A Wild Woman doesn’t want to be your Girly friend

Can you love me in the deep? In the dark? In the thick of it?

Can you love me when I drink from the wrong bottle and slip through the crack in the floorboard?

Can you love me when I’m bigger than you, when my presence blazes like the sun does, when it hurts to look directly at me?

Can you love me then too?

Can you love me under the starry sky, shaved and smooth, my skin like liquid moonlight?

Can you love me when I am howling and furry, standing on my haunches, my lower lip stained with the blood of my last kill?

When I call down the lightning, when the sidewalks are singed by the soles of my feet, can you still love me then?

What happens when I freeze the land, and cause the dirt to harden over all the pomegranate seeds we’ve planted?

Will you trust that Spring will return?

Will you still believe me when I tell you I will become a raging river, and spill myself upon your dreams and call them to the surface of your life?

Can you trust me, even though you cannot tame me?

Can you love me, even though I am all that you fear and admire?

Will you fear my shifting shape?

Does it frighten you, when my eyes flash like your camera does?

Do you fear they will capture your soul?

Are you afraid to step into me?

The meat-eating plants and flowers armed with poisonous darts are not in my jungle to stop you from coming. Not you.

So do not worry. They belong to me, and I have invited you here.

Stay to the path revealed in the moonlight and arrive safely to the hut of Baba Yaga: the wild old wise one… she will not lead you astray if you are pure of heart.

You cannot be with the wild one if you fear the rumbling of the ground, the roar of a cascading river, the startling clap of thunder in the sky.

If you want to be safe, go back to your tiny room — the night sky is not for you.

If you want to be torn apart, come in. Be broken open and devoured. Be set ablaze in my fire.

I will not leave you as you have come: well dressed, in finely-threaded sweaters that keep out the cold.

I will leave you naked and biting. Leave you clawing at the sheets. Leave you surrounded by owls and hawks and flowers that only bloom when no one is watching.

So, come to me, and be healed in the unbearable lightness and darkness of all that you are.

There is nothing in you that can scare me. Nothing in you I will not use to make you great.

A wild woman is not a girlfriend. She is a relationship with nature. She is the source of all your primal desires, and she is the wild whipping wind that uproots the poisonous corn stalks on your neatly tilled farm.

She will plant pear trees in the wake of your disaster.

She will see to it that you shall rise again.

She is the lover who restores you to your own wild nature.

(c) Alison Nappi 2015

The I saw this and wanted to go run. Dafuq, right?

This is all on top of a windfall at work, in my bank account, with my kids, with my love, with my friends, EVERYTHING. On top of the world and it is strange.

Winter Solstice ponderings

Today is the Winter Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere. It has always held mixed meanings for me. My first wedding was held near the Autumnal Equinox and my last wedding was on the Winter Solstice. I came full circle through the seasons and while that final wedding boded no better than the first, it was and will be, my last.

This year, I want to focus on the actually perceivable aspects of it; the eternal pendulum of dark versus light finally swings toward the light again. The darkness has been building up to this point, and now the light finally wins for while. I am going to make sure that I hold that thought within myself… KEEP YOUR LIGHT.

The darkest days are over for this cycle.

From here out, I will stay mindful of this with the intent that it will guide my choices and my attitude in the coming months. Just as Winter signifies an end, it also indicates the impending Spring. A time of rebirth. A time of renewal. A time of creation.

And that is the miracle.

Positive thoughts and creation of reality…..

I really have been neglecting my blog….out living life and being in love and junk…… but I do think of you often…. my readers 😉 But I wanted to share this with you as I was salvaging my poor dying computer’s data onto a gigantic TB external hard drive…..

I am also doing this thankfulness thing on Facebook….And my November 2nd thankfulness? I am thankful for love and Damon.

Proof that things can be created with thought…especially when working with powerful people… Cody and Alanna helped on this…. and the list below? I wrote that in February/March and lo and behold…. come July BAM. Got it.

I only ever wanted to fall asleep smiling.

 Sleeping while smiling

a most admirable feat,

Seen by another

 

Smiling in ones sleep

One of many things we know,

Only through others.

 

secrets shared between

lucid dreams and reverie

trust as a real verb

 

When vulnerable,

we allow our hearts to bloom;

a midnight blossom.

 

Jasmine in moonlight

a slow growing southern treat

winter can unfurl

 

Better to be still

held in memory, a smile

Viewed when you need it

 

The warmth of winter

radiating from the south,

waiting to enfold.

 

bleak the path becomes

when we expect summer heat

yet feel bitter cold

 

The role of the muse

is to inspire the passions

myriad, though they may be.

 

Don’t expect summer.

Rather, be the source of heat:

radiant and true.

The list of traits I require:

1. Cannot hate their mother;
2. Cannot be in or formerly in the Army: Active, Guard or Reserve;
3. Cannot be less than 30 years old or more than 40 years old;
4. Cannot be an adrenaline junkie;
5. No misanthropists;
6. No misogynists;
7. No racists;
8. No bigots;
9. No bullies;
10. Must have a good vocabulary;
11. Must be honorable;
12. Must read books;
13. Should expect as much as I do;
14. Should believe in respect, trust, loyalty, and honesty;
15. Must practice No. 14;
16. Must believe omission is the same as a lie;
17. Must have outside interests;
18. Must dance;
19. Must be able to drive a stick shift; and
20. Must not have any unsupported children.

Huzzah Muthatruckas!

Don’t forget to play! It keeps you young…..

Dear Universe:

Jani

123 Main St.

Somewhere, WA 12345

September 18, 2013

RE: Hoops

Dear Universe:

It has come to my attention that while I have jumped through all of your stupid damn hoops from birth through today, apparently I am still missing something… I understand adversity develops character; yet it also breeds contempt. I’ve done all the things I am “supposed” to do (married baby daddy, divorced baby daddy when he done me wrong, went to school, went back to school, got a stupid masters degree, I don’t beat my children, I’m kind and generous, stay conscientious of being positive and helping others, and so on and so on) and I still find I am constantly freaking struggling. Could you maybe back the f**k off for a second?

Now don’t get me wrong, while I am incredibly grateful for the things I have going RIGHT in my world, ie: my love, my kids, my health, my friends, my first world problems, etc.; I do not find it incredibly selfish of me to simply want enough money to make it less hard. I do not like worrying about whether I can pay for my child’s instrument rental or their school supplies or whether I will be able to wash my clothes without having to go to a laundry mat in the event that my W/D break because my landlord is raising my rent yet not continuing to provide maintenance on the appliances. I do not want to worry about if I am going to get child support to pay my car payment so I can go to said laundry mat or my invisible job or my child’s cross country meets.

Can’t I just have a break? One whole annual quarter where EVERYTHING goes RIGHT? Some breathing room would be nice.

Or maybe just a heads up or a clue to what it is I am supposed to be learning that I apparently keep missing?

K thanks.

Respectfully,

Grateful, yet over it.

Gratitudinis

I have apparently been not counting my blessings recently and being a little bitch. So I figure I need to put them somewhere so that whatever powers that be can stop punching me in the ovaries.

Rather than feeling sorry for myself re: my effing car sitting on the side of the road with some sort of electrical malady, I must thank and appreciate that I have such amazing friends that they would leave a Father’s Day dinner with their parents who came from San Fran, just to help me out.

Rather than freaking out about the nonrefundable plans I have this weekend and my potential inability to follow through on them because of said mechanical maladies; I must thank and appreciate that those same friends have offered me their extra car to make it happen for no other reason than it is important to me: no questions asked.

Rather than become a hysterical and stereotypical female because I start work tomorrow and my car needs some acupuncture; I must thank and appreciate the fact that my awesome neighbor friend is letting me use their extra car to get to work.

Couple this with the following facts:

• I didn’t get creamed by a Peterbilt on the side of the road,
• I have a job,
• I just got my masters,
• my health rocks,
• my kids health rocks,
• my friends and family came and hung with me for a few days from 120-753 miles away,
• As if that wasn’t proof enough, they all proved they still love me despite my obvious social ineptitudes at hosting >5 people at a time,
• Ergo, they kept me liquored up and fed….while leaving the remaining spirits at my house,
• All of my bills are paid and I have a wee bit of money left over…if this car shit was going to happen, better now than 2 weeks ago,
• I no longer have the responsibility of an animal I never wanted,
• I have a nice home and I can afford it,
• I still have the ability to find humor and hope in my otherwise ovary punching life,
• I have friends that have secret skills I didn’t know about like being hobby mechanics and owning diagnostic code scanners,
• Many of my friends own more than one car and trust me enough they allow me to borrow one,
• I own a car that has never stranded me until today in over 8 years including when I almost totaled it…It still drove away and ran for over a year while I saved up my deductible,
• I missed my redneck friends and realized I have new ones ;),
• My car wasn’t injured whilst being towed,
• I don’t have any problems that aren’t fat white american first world problems,
• I have pretty fucking amazing friends and family,
• I officially feel like I have a social support system in this town.

Woo-fucking-saw.

It will be ok.

In fact, everything is already ok.

It’s pretty fucking awesome right now.

a change in perspective…

Today I found out that I have no more homework left in grad school. A professor reduced my final assignment to a third of the original requirement and I already had it more than a third done.

Such a great gift.

Anxiety gone.

And I have been panicking about finding a job. I have one. I have been offered a position, it just doesn’t start for three weeks. I will figure it out between now and then…My credit cards might be late. My power might be shut off. But I should be ok.

My kids should be ok. In fact, one just started a job making about a grand a month. The other one will be gone all summer.

Little blessings.

I just need to be thankful.

Gratitude.

Everything is GOING TO BE OK.

 

 

30, er 33 things I am thankful for:

1. Being in the last year of my formal education.
2. Only having 4 classes left for the rest of the year.
3. My kids being healthy again.
4. My romantic relationship being romanticish again.
5. My mentor being a human.
6. Growing up in the mountains and knowing how to drive unlike half the tools I am surrounded by here in the big city.
7. Knowing what if feels like to experience grace.
8. My hands.
9. My eyes.
10. My ears.
11. My feet.
12. My health.
13. My friends.
14. My neighbors.
15. Heather. Lisa. Heather.
16. My childhood, fractured and chaotic as it was.
17. Soldiers.
18. Being in Idaho for Thanksgiving, two fold: incase the big one hits the Cascadia Fault and also so I can see my brutha.
19. My car being paid off and my car working well.
20. Food.
21. Wet dog kisses, even though I act like I hate them.
22. My challenges.
23. My emotions and subsequent my occasional chemical imbalances.
24. Lichen.
25. Global awareness.
26. Banana Slugs.
27. Art.
28. Rain.
29. Equal Rights becoming more equal.
30. My knowledge of the real Thanksgiving and the colonialism/colonization that was that atrocity.
31. The ability to blog and share it with you all.

Have a good holiday, however you choose to celebrate or not celebrate it. I don’t think of it in terms of the Mayflower and first nations, I think of it in terms of counting my blessings instead of lamenting my woes, with people I love.

And 32. Thanksgiving Day Football.

Update: And here is 33: Explainations for whats up this week, phew

To be fair, I will give you this as it still makes #Kony famous:

http://visiblechildren.tumblr.com.nyud.net/post/18890947431/we-got-trouble

This fellow believes we are doing the cause a disservice because of the amount of money that invisible children makes in relation to what they do. I know. I also know that NO effort is ever completely unselfish or without some sort of mutual benefit. I think the good outweighs the bad in this case and believe if nothing else, the fact that the web can be used to do such good and so quickly is inherent purpose enough. I mean this has gone BEYOND VIRAL.

And knowing this, I still bought schwag. It’s just as good a cause as any, plus it resonated with me on a level that few things do. That is all. Make your own choices.

I’m still going KONY2012.

As for the allegations he makes regarding not currently committing crimes in Uganda, perhaps. But that doesn’t mean crimes are not happening. Check it out:

http://www.lracrisistracker.com/