Monthly Archives: January 2013

I’m all verklemmt~

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I’m all verklemmt~

Today one of the young girls that I work with said “You’re a feminist, huh?”

I thought for a moment, not sure what she was implying…so I replied to her, “Well, I guess that depends on what you think a feminist is…”

She looked really confused and asked if I wanted a “dictionary definition.”

I replied “No, just tell me what you think a feminist is before I answer that….”

She said, “well I just finished a women’s studies class and I am pretty sure you are a  feminist. I want to be a feminist like you.”

OMG.*fanning myself*

It was the best compliment I have ever gotten.

It validated me and what I do and think and feel so much.

It was just what my womanchild heart needed to hear.

She furthered our conversation by saying that she wanted to read the feminine mystique.

I told her I would bring her a copy.

Yay for young girls getting it early!

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Impetus

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Impetus

Sometimes all it takes to encourage you out of your ‘funk’ is someone using the words that you use to describe your egg donor, to describe you.

Thank you for being my impetus by ascribing to me all the adjectives that I characterize her with.

It was just the push I needed to finally become angry and move past this.

Welcome back, Dissociation. You are my most beloved companion.

Oh, what a little wannabe Sylvia Plath I was….

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Oh, what a little wannabe Sylvia Plath I was….

I was looking for something that I wrote many moons ago and I came across these dramatic tragedies. You are welcome. I was a very passionate 13 year old. hahahahaah

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Navigation

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Navigation

Relationships are interesting things. In some regards they are utterly necessary for survival and yet other times, are contrary to it. All of our interactions are built around some sort of relationship, be it familial, romantic, platonic, sexual, business, pleasure, some combination, or even the inherent lack of a relationship is a sort of relationship in unto itself.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this thing, “Relationship” in my life; the art of it and the purpose of it. On one hand I find myself constantly in some sort of flux within them, the push and pull, yin and yang of giving and receiving energy in the confines of one. But on the other hand, I variate between desperation for one and frustration because I am in one. And I am not merely speaking of romantic ones, although recently that has been the catalyst of this thought.

I am navigating a path within a relationship I have never been on. One involving separation as a means of keeping some sort of a relationship. It is odd. It is uncomfortable. It is confusing. It is counter-intuitive to everything I have ever thought. It breaks my heart and gives me hope in the same moment. Everyone has heard the tired ol’  cliche if you love something let it go…if it’s yours it will come back, if it doesn’t it never was or however the bullshit goes. Well, I suppose in a healthy unattached view of the world that works to a sense, but in the real life application that means nothing to me.

I have attachment issues. I know that.

I have control issues. I know that.

I probably have borderline personality issues. I am aware, thanks.

I digress…

I also know that there are things within myself and my relationships that I can affect to get the desired effect….I learned long ago about the relationship between trauma and patterns, brain chemistry and triggers….however it wasn’t until recently that I was ready to hear and understand. It has been a subject of interest in a class of mine and lo and behold, I am at a receptive point in my life wherein I GET it.

I understand how previous experiences influence the list of bad things embedded in my Hippocampus. I understand that this growing list sends all sorts of emergency signals to my Amygdala. I understand why over the years chronic stresses have set my baseline window of tolerance for drama higher.

I get it. That question I have been asking myself lately? Why it seems I dealt with worse shit better in the past? Why these days the slightest thing makes me frozen with fear whereas in the past I was able to act with confidence when looking certain death literally in the eye? It all makes sense.

So now, I am set on a path to reevaluate my own triggers.

Understand that trust IS a verb and a noun.

Love is a verb AND a noun.

I am reprograming my Hippocampus in the best way I can.

I am stepping out of my Limbic, Reptilian brain and into my Vulcan, Prefrontal Cortex as consciously and conscientiously as I can.

Relationships should be fluid. When they aren’t  they become unbalanced. Just like a tug of war, if you add more to one side, the other side loses.

Every thing, every feeling, every physical act, every emotional act, is a cycle and a balancing act. I knew this all along.

But now I KNOW it.

Does it make it easier for my internal GPS?

No.

But it makes it less frightening. Giving it a name. Seeing it for what it is, is better.

Thanks for coming on my journey. ツ

XOXO,

Jani

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Oregon I love you.

The Idaho Agenda

health plan

LGBTQ Nation reports,”The Oregon state Health Plan and its Healthy Kids Program will soon begin covering medically-necessary care for young people experiencing gender dysphoria on Oct. 1, 2014, making Oregon the first state to ensure coverage of transgender kids under Medicaid.”

The new Oregon Health Plan will cover:

• Mental health counseling (applies to children, youth and adults)

• Evaluation by a pediatric specialist in advance of pubertal suppression treatment

• Procedures, medication and follow-up monitoring related to pubertal suppression

In a press release announcing the expansion, TransActive Executive Director Jenn Burleton hails the move as a huge step forward,”Pubertal suppression provides transgender adolescents the option of avoiding unwanted, irreversible and deeply distressing changes that come with birth-sex pubertal development”, Burleton said. “Far too often trans adolescents experience increased suicidal ideation as a result of these changes and the indifference of others about the impact these changes have on trans…

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For Misti:

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For Misti:

This is something I wrote when my son was two. I have fantasies of turning it into a children’s book complete with watercolors. Enjoy.

And it was she, the newly blossomed Dandelion who asked the forbidden question of the Moon, “Why?”

Why must I grow here? Am I only to become a weed, like the others? Does not the dew glisten on my leaves as brilliantly as those of the Rose?

And the Moon sighed.

My child, you are what you are. Where you have fallen from your mother’s womb is where you are needed. Let it be.

And then she, the Dandelion, unsatisfied by this pressed on.

But don’t my leaves dance as well as the Elm’s in the cool breeze? Isn’t my flower as bright as the canary perched above me?

And the Moon sighed.

My child, you are what you are. Everything has it’s place, none more important than the rest. Let it be.

I am only what I am? To bloom and someday be blown away by the wind?

And the Moon sighed.

My child, what you are is beautiful, unlike any of the others. Your seeds shall carry the wishes of innocence; that is why you must let it be.

And it was she, the Dandelion, who finally understood and smiled at the Moon.

© Jani Belcoe 1999

back in the day

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back in the day

I would make mix tapes. I would call a radio station repeatedly and sit with my finger on the pause button (on the tape player that was already on record) just waiting for that first few notes of a song so I could record it asap….

That was special.

If you got a mix tape from me, you knew I was madly in love with you and I had been obsessively thinking of the perfect order, perfect songs, perfect everything….

Now you just make a lame playlist and click burn. It’s relatively easy if you have a nice collection of mp3s, which I do…..

I have made one just today (granted I had to purchase two songs to complete the theme…) but I did it.

I was proud of myself and yet, I missed my tape player. Especially when I saw the scotch tape I no longer needed to record over something and the pencil I no longer needed to rewind ever so lightly to use the tape length perfectly…

Kids today? Lazy. 😉

Survey says…..

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Survey says…..

CERVEZAS!

Just kidding.

But after about a month of heartburn, ulcers, sleepless nights and related irritable attitude combined with relationship woes, professional misfortune, scholastic pressure and being a parent; I have decided where I will live (for sure) after graduation.

I made a pros and cons list for Idaho and for Washington.

I meditated.

I surveyed Facebook friends and frenemies.

I did tarot cards.

I talked to classmates.

I talked to professionals.

I did guided meditations.

I talked to my counselor.

I talked to my mentor.

I talked to my soul mates.

I did about 34,834,530 different things as instructed by various decision making models and blogs.

I flipped coins. Over and over.

This morning I woke up and just knew:

I have to stay in Vancouver.

My heart said so. I can go where ever I want in 5 years. But for now, in fact for once in my life, I am thinking of my kids and my kids only. I am not rationalizing my needs or wants. I am not running home because I have a broken heart. I am planting roots.

Kudos to me.