I always knew…
“Home” was a concept.
A prompt for activating
our programmed roles;
encouraging participation
in self-fulfilling prophecies (of doom).
Leaving me homesick
for a dream I’ve never dreamt.
Home.
Home is now known to me-
Known to be a feeling-
An intangible worry stone,
Now carried with me-
At all times;
Anchored by plasmic goo.
Unopened presents-
Intended totems of love;
Artifacts of faith.
I’ve already began the process
Of grieving the products of my own imagination.
Recently implemented new rules of engagement;
Limiting all talks with friends,
all of them.
To under 5 minute long interactions.
Unless they’re my exes…
I figure I’ve dibs.
(I know! I knoooow.)
I know it makes me selfish;
Realizing more each day-
I want to be “chosen”
I NEED to be “chosen”
whatever that means…
I think I always have.
Reflecting on all the times
Situations…
I felt I needed to be…
Should have been…
Chosen…
by anyone-
Chosen…
over others;
over addictions
Chosen for me
Who I am
Not what I could be.
Not what I could provide.
Services I could render.
What I could become.
Just the real and authentic me.
Most only saw the mes
making the choices…
To leave
To make them
Sooner…
Later…
My choice.
The immense weight of
A single finger touching,
Exploding my heart.
It’s a heavy realization:
Reflecting on 39 years
And discovering:
YOU ARE…
You are the most prolific liar in your life…And always have been.
Personally, I can convince myself that everything is true;
Okay;
Perfect;
Rational;
Fated;
“The right choice.”
Rarely am I telling myself the truth-
Especially not in my head.
I have become joy;
Caught myself skipping all alone
Celebratory giggle.
Sometime last year my friend Daniel posted a video of a girl sitting in a car with a crazy system. She appeared to be, well, really enjoying it. I called bullshit. Maybe if it was a Harley I said, but not “just” bass.
Well, this previous summer I had to buy a hamster car…totally stock 2013 Kia Soul, but it has a freaking badass stock system. This song came on my Pandora station and suffice it to say, I was driving down I-84 and had to pull off for a second or 4 minutes.
Straight up.
No joke.
I doubt most computers can pick up the low frequencies in this song, but if you have a way to find it and play it through a good system, it’s pretty effing sweet.
Ladies, you are all welcome.
Men, you should buy this album for me. er, your lady, if you like ladies.
Oh, Valentine’s. What a strange holiday. I decided to send one of my loves a video on the Facebook “kiss with a fist” because of the potential interpretations and started pondering potential interpretations…Is that song promoting domestic violence? Is it a secret lady love song? Hmmm. I digress.
My original purpose for finally posting after a being a fairly negligent blogger was to share some insight for my impending doom er, birthday. I am officially going to be in my mid-thirties rather than my early thirties….I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been; the realization of that has been enormous. No longer do I truly wish to be the size 4 of my youth, I am ok with what I look like and the size I am…Not to say I do not wish to be more svelte and healthy but I do not feel unlovable because I do not have a BMI of 20. I am more able to acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses without feeling too terribly defensive of either; unconditional love of self is amazing. Having someone do that for you to mirror is a gift.
I am growing more comfortable with the place that I live. Although I still have the inherent panic of “in case of zombie apocalypse where the f**k will I go and what if they blow the bridges and what if the Cascadia Fault goes, etc. etc etc.” HOWEVER, it is much more manageable. I worry less and drink more. It’s a thing and I am OK with it.
I could go on and on about what I have learned just in the last year, but I will leave you with a mere ten vague thoughts, as is customary for me. Cheers.
That is all my loves. Off to get some birthday ink set up.
XOXO
Jani
I really have been neglecting my blog….out living life and being in love and junk…… but I do think of you often…. my readers 😉 But I wanted to share this with you as I was salvaging my poor dying computer’s data onto a gigantic TB external hard drive…..
I am also doing this thankfulness thing on Facebook….And my November 2nd thankfulness? I am thankful for love and Damon.
Proof that things can be created with thought…especially when working with powerful people… Cody and Alanna helped on this…. and the list below? I wrote that in February/March and lo and behold…. come July BAM. Got it.
I only ever wanted to fall asleep smiling.
Sleeping while smiling
a most admirable feat,
Seen by another
Smiling in ones sleep
One of many things we know,
Only through others.
secrets shared between
lucid dreams and reverie
trust as a real verb
When vulnerable,
we allow our hearts to bloom;
a midnight blossom.
Jasmine in moonlight
a slow growing southern treat
winter can unfurl
Better to be still
held in memory, a smile
Viewed when you need it
The warmth of winter
radiating from the south,
waiting to enfold.
bleak the path becomes
when we expect summer heat
yet feel bitter cold
The role of the muse
is to inspire the passions
myriad, though they may be.
Don’t expect summer.
Rather, be the source of heat:
radiant and true.
The list of traits I require:
Huzzah Muthatruckas!
Don’t forget to play! It keeps you young…..
Anyone who has ever been out gambling with me at a casino knows that if I do anything but play penny/nickel slots, I become quite nauseated. Regardless of how much money I have to blow, I always spend my time thinking of what I SHOULD be spending that measly 10 dollars on.
In my personal life, I find that it appears that I gamble a lot. I try to always be willing to put my money where my mouth is and am willing to lose big for the potential payout. It bites me in the ass at times (ok more often than not), but it has always worked out eventually… Even if that payout is only that I have the ability to keep playing.
Right now in my world, I am slightly gun-shy and have the potential to win big and I am fu*king scared as shit. And it is a safe bet! Comparatively speaking. I’m looking down the barrel of a more sure thing than I can remember ever experiencing…
So what is the fear from?
Is it the fear of potential loss?
Is it the fear of trusting in myself?
Is it the fear of trusting someone else?
Is it the fear of a blow to my ego if I am wrong again?
I am not sure.
My eyes are open but I am jumping off this cliff.
Boom, bitches.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~ John Lennon
Sometimes I really really love Rob Brezsny’s horoscopes 🙂 check them out: http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/
I needed this one this week.
A. Because I need a muthatruckin J-O-B and;
B. I do have someone that looks at me like Lindsey looked at Stevie sooooo…. intention is magic.
“
“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,” says the poet Marty McConnell. That’s good advice, Pisces — not just in regards to your intimate relationships, but about all your other alliances, too. If you’re seeking a friend or consultant or business partner or jogging companion or new pet, show a preference for those creatures who look at you like maybe you are magic. You always need to be appreciated for the sweet mystery and catalytic mojo you bring to your partnerships, but you especially need that acknowledgment now. “
But if I couple my need to chase paper with serving people and advocating for the oppressed…. Does it balance out?
Can you be a good social worker and want to make a lot of money or does that make you unapproachable and even more privileged? Yes. And yet, no….
This is an interesting article that delves into the topic…watch the ted talk too.
I struggle with wanting a job that will fulfill my intrinsic needs and my financial ones… but find that if it pays my bills plus, I usually feel less than awesome about what I am doing.
I’ve struggled with balancing having a partner who can financially share in the support of my world but still fulfill the physical/emotional intimacy needs as well…
As to both, I have always found that if I have one the other is lacking regardless of which I have… Yet, I have recently come to the conclusion one can have both but it can’t be expected… only appreciated.
It’s an interesting reconciliation of thought.
Onward.
xoxo
As this is the first year that I am independently purchasing my kid’s school supplies, clothes, and general new school year BS without the aid of my student loans, suffice it to say things are rather lean…. So I told them to go through the first week with minimal supplies and figure out what they actually need rather than me just spending asinine amounts of money on things the Manchild will lose and the Girlchild will not use and I will just purchase the needed stuff later…
The Girlchild apparently made an editorial comment about this at a friend’s house so the friend’s mom bought her some supplies. DOH!
Way to make me feel like shite. YAY!
So I texted the girl’s mom to tell her thank you and explain my thought process rather than letting her think I was just a poor muthatrucka…I don’t think she believed me.
Then, as I am now an indentured servant with $23478398475845 in student loan debt to Sallie Mae (and considering the fact that my beautiful paid off car was accidentally killed because I forgot about the &*^*^%^* timing belt which caused me to need to buy a new car and have a car payment)…. I have NO effing expendable cash…. So I am down to using credit cards to buy groceries. Yay.
I go to Winco to buy groceries, spend an hour shopping, unloading, ringing up, and DOH!
Winco doesn’t take credit cards.
The shame, the shame.
F**k me.
Someday I will have a really awesome job with a really awesome salary. Until then, I am a poor muthatrucka. White person poor, but poor all the same. Relativity boys and girls, relativity.
So maybe I have been slightly distracted by life and slowly becoming more distracted…
I hadn’t realized it had been two freaking weeks since I blogged. EEEEP….
But the return is worth it…for example:
I smile for no reason and when no one is there to observe it;
I’m busy as hell between FT work, kids, new friends, old friends, my lovely new boyfriend, etc;
I am running in the run for your lives event tomorrow (my second year!);
I’m also trying to figure out how to cut costs and make extra money….. if you have legal ideas, hit me up cause at this point I am thinking commune….;
My fantasy football draft is tonight *fingers crossed*;
My kids are amazing and responsible and I can do things without a babysitter and they don’t throw rocking parties (YESSSSSSSS)…;
My student loans are arranged to start next week and be $39.45 a month for the next 108 years;
I haven’t killed all of my plants;
I have been writing again, a lot… I have no idea where I find the time….
Andddddd I got to see the Silent Comedy do Fleetwood Mac and dance with said boyfriend.
What else could a woman want?
xoxo
Jani
Have you ever had one of those moments where you are remembering something you previously thought or said when suddenly something specifically interacts with you regarding it? I’m sure it is some sort of confirmation bias, part of the reason that divining tools and/or oracles seem spot on… You hear what you need to or are supposed to or are receptive to… right?
Ok, so riddle me this, Batman…
You know that place between dreaming and awake? When you are still responsive to the world for the most part but also starting to dream? Yeah. So there I am, there being a subjective ethereal term… and I am remembering a conversation I had about a recent tarot reading and the continuing conversation about a certain song’s potentially related lyrics and how it was super sweet and what I wanted….blah blah blah girl crap…. fast forward back to dreamspeaking state….
and that song comes on.
It was kinda awesome. It even took me a second to process it actually was playing outside of my dreamy state. HA
Yes, I know it doesn’t mean anything, per se….
But it was badass nonetheless.
From one Pisces fish to you.... 