In case you are not aware, I am not the lithe little phenom that I used to be. I am however, a stubborn & proud bi**h who does not like to be proven wrong. So when I signed up for the 5k zombie race (www.runforyourlives.com) I had planned to train hard and kick ass. Well, I signed up about 6 months before the race, trained for a minute then talked myself out of training cause, duh, I had 6 months to do it. Well, eventually the month before the race came and I hadn’t resumed any hardcore training LOL. I had however taken a rather humbling and self defeating job as a “courtesy clerk” at a certain grocery store which shall remain unnamed. Now in case you are unaware, a courtesy clerk is merely a nice sounding euphemism for the following: “cart pushing, whatever menial mindnumbing, toilet cleaning, sweating, running, pushing, stooping, spill-cleaning upper, and/or being the head clerk’s little bitch” job.
That job trained me.
Or at least as well as I could have trained me.
Race day came and it just happened to be like the hottest day in Washington state history, or at least close.
People were dropping like flies from heat exhaustion, rolled ankles, and sheer giveupitis. There was even one person that didn’t make it up one of the steeper hills (of which there were 982357203845034) and rolled down taking out a few people who had to be taken out in ambulances.
My only real complaint about the actual race was that they only had water stations at two points which were labeled 1 and 2 miles, but the last mile was about 400 yards so I think they lied. They needed to have the water every half mile or so given the temperature.
I kept all of my life ribbons until right before the 2nd mile marker, right after the 2nd mile marker and then the last 200 yards. The zombies were thick in dem dar hills. Damn it.
I didn’t survive.
And the waterslide into the bloodbath was difuckingvine. Even if I did lose my shades in it.
But I finished without being electrocuted, losing a shoe in deep freaking mud, dying in real life, passing out, drowning or otherwise getting tore up. I ate it once right in the beginning when I stepped in/fell from either a rodent hole and/or the stalks of blackberry brambles they JUST mowed down, but other than that, I made it. I have the 12 bruises to prove it. And a medal.
This fat girl ran.
This fat girl finished in either 54:18 or 1:10:00 (there is some unofficial discrepancies)
Either of which is a pretty good time if I say so myself, considering there were lines at each obstacle and water station.
Boom. You should do it. It’s coming to a town near you. The infection is spreading.