Tag Archives: zombies

two weeks eh? Dang.

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two weeks eh? Dang.

So maybe I have been slightly distracted by life and slowly becoming more distracted…

I hadn’t realized it had been two freaking weeks since I blogged. EEEEP….

But the return is worth it…for example:

I smile for no reason and when no one is there to observe it;

I’m busy as hell between FT work, kids, new friends, old friends, my lovely new boyfriend, etc;

I am running in the run for your lives event tomorrow (my second year!);

I’m also trying to figure out how to cut costs and make extra money….. if you have legal ideas, hit me up cause at this point I am thinking commune….;

My fantasy football draft is tonight *fingers crossed*;

My kids are amazing and responsible and I can do things without a babysitter and they don’t throw rocking parties (YESSSSSSSS)…;

My student loans are arranged to start next week and be $39.45 a month for the next 108 years;

I haven’t killed all of my plants;

I have been writing again, a lot… I have no idea where I find the time….

Andddddd I got to see the Silent Comedy do Fleetwood Mac and dance with said boyfriend.

What else could a woman want?

xoxo

Jani

 

 

 

Things that go bump in the night:

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Things that go bump in the night:

While I do not claim to be the most rational person, I think on most days I am at least 72% rationale.

However.

There are a few things that despite my rational grownup mind freak me the eff out. In an ongoing attempt to purge irrational fear from my psyche, I offer you this list of my top 11 irrational fears from greatest to least, *handle this knowledge responsibly please*:

  1. Spider webs. Spiders, not a biggie. Spider webs, touching me or in my line of sight are enough to induce heart palpitations faster than the first time I saw that b**ch on the ring come crawling out the tv.
  2. The shadow next to the bed. I don’t care how old I get, I jump over that. Period.
  3. Falling asleep in a car as a passenger. Don’t take it personally, but no. I do not trust you enough to not kill me while I sleep and you drive. Get over it.
  4. Falling. On purpose, metaphorically, from a ladder, from stairs, from a plane, from a mountain, from a cliff, from a platform with a rubber band tied around my ankles, from a roof, from a beautiful waterfall, from a bridge, whatever. I used to think it was a fear of¬†heights, but I have decided it’s not. It’s the falling I fear ūüôā
  5. White noise hoobie joobie. That movie with Michael Keaton freaked me the eff out. I think it is the combination of watching Poltergeist at entirely too young of an age and then that movie….EEKKKKK
  6. Being strangled. Odd I know. But I can’t wear turtle necks or chokers or even¬†t shirts¬†that have tight necks. Weird right?
  7. Cataclysmic apocalypse. Be it caused by natural, alien, zombie, illuminati, political, whodo, voodoo, whatever; I fear it. More than a rationale person should, I suppose.
  8. The ocean. I dream of swimming underwater with whales and mermaids and fishes, breathing underwater just fine. But sharks and water I cannot see the bottom of in real, waking life, freaks me the eff out. Eff that. There are big freaking things in the ocean!
  9. Failing in general. At a job, on a quiz, on a crossword, at life in general, as a parent, etc. I fixate on this shit. Try falling asleep without the soothing sounds of Kelly Howell or Eckhart Tolle with this Atlas weight in your brain.
  10. Repeating my parent’s mistakes. This is probably not as serious of a fear so much as a corrective tool…Everything I do as a parent and a grownup, I try to gauge how my parents would have done it, and how that served or disserved me. Then I act accordingly. It’s only bit me in the ass a couple of times, thus far. But I do fear choosing wrong because I based a judgment of serve vs disserve on my current state of mind and not on the actual result that is still evolving….Does that make any sense outloud?
  11. Talking in my sleep. I know my dreams. If ever I was to speak while sleeping, I am sure people would have me put away forever. >:)

Ok, ok so I know overall it just seems like totally normal control issues right? RIGHT? I’m normal. Just like every other normally neurotic person.

Zombieproof I are not, but I @runfromundead

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Zombieproof I are not, but I @runfromundead

In case you are not aware, I am not the lithe little phenom that I used to be. I am however, a stubborn & proud bi**h ¬†who does not like to be proven wrong. So when I signed up for the 5k zombie race (www.runforyourlives.com) I had planned to train hard and kick ass. Well, I signed up about 6 months before the race, trained for a minute then talked myself out of training cause, duh, I had 6 months to do it. Well, eventually the month before the race came and I hadn’t resumed any hardcore training LOL. I had however taken a rather humbling and self defeating job as a “courtesy clerk” at a certain grocery store which shall remain unnamed. Now¬†in case¬†you are unaware, a courtesy clerk is merely a nice sounding euphemism for the following: “cart pushing, ¬†whatever¬†menial mindnumbing, toilet cleaning, sweating, running, pushing, stooping,¬†spill-cleaning¬†upper, and/or being the head clerk’s little bitch” job.

I digress.

That job trained me.

Or at least as well as I could have trained me.

Race day came and it just happened to be like the hottest day in Washington state history, or at least close.

People were dropping like flies from heat exhaustion, rolled ankles, and sheer giveupitis. ¬†There was even one person that didn’t make it up one of the steeper hills (of which there were 982357203845034) and rolled down taking out a few people who had to be taken out in ambulances.

My only real complaint about the actual race was that they only had water stations at two points which were labeled 1 and 2 miles, but the last mile was about 400 yards so I think they lied. They needed to have the water every half mile or so given the temperature.

I kept all of my life ribbons until right before the 2nd mile marker, right after the 2nd mile marker and then the last 200 yards. The zombies were thick in dem dar hills. Damn it.

I didn’t survive.

And the waterslide into the bloodbath was difuckingvine. Even if I did lose my shades in it.

But I finished without being electrocuted, losing a shoe in deep freaking mud, dying in real life, passing out, drowning or otherwise getting tore up. I ate it once right in the beginning when I stepped in/fell from either a rodent hole and/or the stalks of blackberry brambles they JUST mowed down, but other than that, I made it. I have the 12 bruises to prove it. And a medal.

This fat girl ran.

This fat girl finished in either 54:18 or 1:10:00 (there is some unofficial discrepancies)

Either of which is a pretty good time if I say so myself, considering there were lines at each obstacle and water station.

Boom. You should do it. It’s coming to a town near you. The infection is spreading.

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Have you always wanted to run with the wolves? Well, how about ZOMBIES….

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Have you always wanted to run with the wolves? Well, how about ZOMBIES….

Hey I can’t do this and need money. Hook a chica up. Cost $87 through them, $50 through me.

http://portland.craigslist.org/clk/tix/3082331610.html

In case you didn’t know:

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And the first official zombie.

Happy Ham eating, you infidels! ūüėÄ

xoxo

Jani

*Thanks to Mr. Gonzales for the pic.

New workout friend!

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New workout friend!

I recently placed an ad on Craigslist that stated something to the effect of “Fat girl seeks same for competitive workout partner to keep me honest and blah blah.

I got several responses but only one seemed safe ūüôā I Facebook stalked her and we finally met up today and it seems fab. It will be nice to have someone that I am not in a relationship with to share weight and measurements and f**kups with.

We are very close to the same size and have incredibly similar goals and time frames…..

We both are gonna do this:

ZOMBIE RACE

So we have a goal and a date to get there.

Plus, we both have spouses to work with. YAY us.

Au revoir, Ass.

 

Of course it starts in Garland, Texas!

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Season’s Eatings!

Christmas and the whole Christian story of the resurrection always makes me think of zombies. I read a lot about how to survive a zombie apocalypse….I found it highly suspect that the movie “Zombieland” began in Garland, Texas….The town where some of my deepest seated fears began. We moved there when I was really little and only lived there for approximately a year, ¬†maybe a year and a half but in that time I was:

  • Electrocuted by crawling under my aunt’s bar and sticking keys into an electrical outlet;
  • Attacked by red ants;
  • Subsequently traumatized by being held down in an ice bath;
  • Told large black people were gorillas after going to the Dallas zoo and being shown the scary gorillas, when we lived in an apartment complex that I believe had 2 other white families besides us (oh yes, thanks passive¬†aggressively¬†racist family, you were my first lesson in needless hate) Pursuant to a family member’s WRONG assumption that this particular¬†anecdote¬†was about them; I would like to strike the above example to save face for them;
  • Pushed down the stairs by my parent’s friend’s daughter wherein I cracked my head open on the rock pad at the bottom;
  • Bitten so hard on the stomach by that girl’s brother that 30 years later I still have the teeth scars;
  • Was consistently put through windows to unlock the doors at people’s houses, including my own (did no one have keys???);
  • Watched “ET”, “Star Wars VI”, “Peter Pan” and “The Wizard of Oz” , truly it is surprising I have never been treated for some sort of neurosis….
  • Had my hair which was tied with some crazy fluffy cotton gauzy ribbon stuff get caught in a box fan;
  • Had my hamster escape and get into my bed, and my mother’s who has a preternatural fear of rodents, on separate nights;
  • Was threatened not to get out of bed in the dark because of “apartment bugs” which bit….turned on the light once to see the biggest roaches ever scatter….I didn’t know what they were until many years later, but i guarantee I never got out of bed after that….;
  • Was told (mind you I was 2-3 years old) about the lady of the lake and the copperhead snakes that were in the water and would kill me where we went swimming;
  • Went to the set of the tv show “Dallas” and was scared sh*tless by the HUGE buffalo there.

This is just off the top of my head. What the hell were my parents doing? Where were they? GEES.

Wow, what got me started on that? Oh yeah. Zombieland at Garland, Texas.

I digress(ed).

So. I think in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would first seek out the mormon apocalypse pantries to set myself up with food. Hopefully,¬†I would also have amassed enough guns and ammo to outlast the zombie’s starving, but I am not sure how I would fortify my home….I’m thinking that Will Smith in “I am Legend” had the bomb ass set up. Short of that, I don’t think life would be worth living. I may just sacrifice myself. I pray that when the human created (or nature created, for that matter) virus comes and starts turning us into zombies, it will be kind enough to create photophobic zombies and destroy the use of run on sentences.

How will you survive?

Will you sacrifice yourself?

Give up?

Or fight?

Praise the walking dead. Merry Christmas. Hallelujah.