Maybe it’s my Aquarius-Pisces cusp
But… I am a fickle bitch.
I want my cake and to eat it too-
But only when I order it
And have it delivered
To my door.
I love being alone
Resent a constant presence
Reductively- I’m an Introvert playing house
With myself- I wanna be mama
I wanna be daddy
I wanna be cool aunt Jackie
Dependent on no one
Ish
And still…
I hate playing house
I don’t wanna be home
I want to travel
Explore
Create
All the things others have already done
I live it through word
See it on film
Feel it in song
Saved and trapped in my own mind
And so it goes-
Filling in the grooves
Forty years worth of trail
Diverting energy into other paths
Finding comfort…
And yet-
Still aching for the familiar
Just like any addiction
Trying to recognize triggers
Slippery slopes
Of thoughts
And experience
Both imagined and endured-
Blowing up my siblings’ phones
To discuss a season’s tears
Lament each other’s losses
Never sharing joy
Leaning towards each other
Each other’s external hard drives
Fact checking my memories
Offering observed insight
Spoiler alerts.
I hate the unknowing.
I Google you.
I Google me.
I Google what season do they die?
I like to test myself
Create:
challenges to survive;
Patterns to predict;
Chances to trust myself
And fail
But in ways most cannot see.
It’s funny to me.
All things I want(ed) to be-
A singer
A plumber
A poet
A mom
A lawyer
A wife
A woman
An archaeologist
A detective…
And here I am.
Alone- but not really.
Just…
Mercurially Me.