Tag Archives: PTSD

Always ok.

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Always ok.

It’s not crazy-

To question all of your decisions-

While holding your knees and rocking…

At the bottom…

of a dark closet-

Simultaneously:

lamenting;

and experiencing déjà vu…

realizing the trauma root to your aesthetic preferences…

synthesizing information, emotions, perceptions, programming…

Understanding leads to despair and experience leads to scripted good guesses…

“Fear is the path to the dark side.”

Leaps of faith…

Crisis of confidence?

Hope being what’s left and hoping because there’s nothing left-

Love or fear, only two choices…

At the heart of it…

Still rocking…

Still rocking…

Still rocking…

Bottom of a dark closet.

Soundlessly chanting-

beneath the typhoon in my bedroom…

I’m ok.

I’m ok.

I’m ok.

I’m always ok.

it’s not crazy- it’s human, right?

Anti-Martyr

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Anti-Martyr

Like streetlight through blinds,
night thoughts ponder… are you still,
sleeping with boots on?

Sentinel

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Sentinel

Jani wrote a song.

It’s been a tick since she did that; chords and every junk.

(Thanks Jess, I am thinking of you and others)

Sentinel

Even during times of peace….

you’re always watching for the doors.

Allowing yourself to relax and drift,

catch yourself…

nodding off to sleep….

It sends you back into the panic

that you had just pushed back

down into your soul

hidden deep…

You know, I remember what it feels like,

I can feel it too,

But my triggers are limited and peculiar;

not everyday, ordinary things,

everyday…

just like you.  

A blacked out window; an old building next to the sidewalk;

drinking all the memories away  all in vain;

sitting with your back to a door…noises on a television,

children in the street, dog crying out in pain….

Even once you came home….

you’re always watching in front of the cars.

Looking for a change in the baseline ,

catch yourself…

thinking about shrapnel….

Sends you back into autopilot

Running on limbic

our walking talking sentinel

You know, I remember what it feels like,

I can feel it too,

But my triggers are limited and peculiar;

not everyday ordinary things,

everyday…

just like you.  

A blacked out window; an old building next to the sidewalk;

drinking all the memories away  all in vain;

sitting with your back to a door…noises on a television,

children in the street, dog crying out in pain….

Even while you were with us….

You were already good and checked out.

To protect us, you forgot us…

Calculating every risk,

Staying three moves ahead….

Kept you hopped up,

Back to the new normal,

What is it I didn’t hear,

what was left unsaid

 

If I only had a brain….

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If I only had a brain….

Oh the multitude of ponderings my brain has been chock full of as of late; contradictions and questions which appear to have no answers. I over-think things, it is true. But recently, I have been trying to get out of the habit of doing so when that over-thinking does not serve my better interests.

The questions I am asking are things like, can I change anything about this situation? Am I fixating on reality or possibility? Is what I am thinking about in the past? If so, I can’t change it…only my perception of it. Is it in the future? If so, I can’t change it, only my participation in it. Is this something I am feeling or is it an emotion, because they really are not the same thing.

I am also trying to keep myself in check by examining those feelings and making sure that they are not hijacked feelings from another experience; I have a terrible tendency to finally experience things at the wrong time…. Which is to say that I may dissociate from something at the time and apply those feelings to another situation which totally does not warrant it. I do not think I am unique in this, you do it too, if you are honest with yourself.

I have also been thinking about not being so hard on myself…I seem to make allowances for people who do not treat me in the same fashion as I treat them, be it in physical life or in the ethereal relationship; I make excuses for them because of their traumas and the effects that they have had upon their life and personality; yet I treat myself much more harshly and without forgiveness without taking into account my own traumas, mental health, struggles, etc.

I hold myself to much higher standards than many of the people I surround myself with. I have really been trying to look at this and decipher why… is it so I can feel better than them because I do not let things affect me? Because if that is my motivation, I am truly self deluded, because it isn’t true. I am human. I am fucked up. I am in love with the world and I hate the world all in one singular breath.

I don’t know what it is, really.

I know that I am honest.

I know that I am loyal, to a fault.

I know that I trust others more than I trust myself in situations wherein I should do the opposite.

I know I am attracted to misanthropic men and needy women.

I know that I want to be independent and taken care of and/or protected all at the same time.

I know that I am kind.

I know that I always think of how things will affect and are affecting others before myself; this causes me strife internally and externally.

I expend much more emotional energy into others expecting it will always be reciprocal and then I feign shock when it is not.

But I know that even when I am not surprised that I will do it again.

Because I believe in people.

I believe that no one is ever beyond needing others.

I know that I am not going to always be that other.

And I believe in love.

And I know that it will come back to me in one way or another.

Rinse and repeat.

“Why, anybody can have a brain. That’s a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have.”

Navigation

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Navigation

Relationships are interesting things. In some regards they are utterly necessary for survival and yet other times, are contrary to it. All of our interactions are built around some sort of relationship, be it familial, romantic, platonic, sexual, business, pleasure, some combination, or even the inherent lack of a relationship is a sort of relationship in unto itself.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this thing, “Relationship” in my life; the art of it and the purpose of it. On one hand I find myself constantly in some sort of flux within them, the push and pull, yin and yang of giving and receiving energy in the confines of one. But on the other hand, I variate between desperation for one and frustration because I am in one. And I am not merely speaking of romantic ones, although recently that has been the catalyst of this thought.

I am navigating a path within a relationship I have never been on. One involving separation as a means of keeping some sort of a relationship. It is odd. It is uncomfortable. It is confusing. It is counter-intuitive to everything I have ever thought. It breaks my heart and gives me hope in the same moment. Everyone has heard the tired ol’  cliche if you love something let it go…if it’s yours it will come back, if it doesn’t it never was or however the bullshit goes. Well, I suppose in a healthy unattached view of the world that works to a sense, but in the real life application that means nothing to me.

I have attachment issues. I know that.

I have control issues. I know that.

I probably have borderline personality issues. I am aware, thanks.

I digress…

I also know that there are things within myself and my relationships that I can affect to get the desired effect….I learned long ago about the relationship between trauma and patterns, brain chemistry and triggers….however it wasn’t until recently that I was ready to hear and understand. It has been a subject of interest in a class of mine and lo and behold, I am at a receptive point in my life wherein I GET it.

I understand how previous experiences influence the list of bad things embedded in my Hippocampus. I understand that this growing list sends all sorts of emergency signals to my Amygdala. I understand why over the years chronic stresses have set my baseline window of tolerance for drama higher.

I get it. That question I have been asking myself lately? Why it seems I dealt with worse shit better in the past? Why these days the slightest thing makes me frozen with fear whereas in the past I was able to act with confidence when looking certain death literally in the eye? It all makes sense.

So now, I am set on a path to reevaluate my own triggers.

Understand that trust IS a verb and a noun.

Love is a verb AND a noun.

I am reprograming my Hippocampus in the best way I can.

I am stepping out of my Limbic, Reptilian brain and into my Vulcan, Prefrontal Cortex as consciously and conscientiously as I can.

Relationships should be fluid. When they aren’t  they become unbalanced. Just like a tug of war, if you add more to one side, the other side loses.

Every thing, every feeling, every physical act, every emotional act, is a cycle and a balancing act. I knew this all along.

But now I KNOW it.

Does it make it easier for my internal GPS?

No.

But it makes it less frightening. Giving it a name. Seeing it for what it is, is better.

Thanks for coming on my journey. ツ

XOXO,

Jani

Tour of Duty

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Tour of Duty

Silent enemies

lurk in your mind,

forgotten foes

left there for all time.

Conflicted emotions,

dark energies that lilt,

no dreams are friendly

on a ‘Tour of Guilt.’

The spirits they see,

yet they are not possessed,

by the demons that haunt you

or the feelings you’ve repressed.

Forgiveness is a luxury,

one you can not receive,

until you grant yourself

a final reprieve.