So it’s true;
love is never unconditional…
just like the terms of one parole-
There is always a catch:
Expectations, both unspoken and timed.
Goals that must be timely met,
all the while you’re reminded to….
BEWARE! the many dancing swords above your Damaclean head.
it’s always the “no, but…” that fucks up the flow.
Stability is a temporary experience,
And never, a given.
I need very little
and desire?
Even less.
We…
We are the closest thing I’ve found;
My underwater cacophony
that quiets it all…
The outside drowned
A roaring quiet-
I desire this.
To be:
buoyed;
anchored;
and asea.
I’ve been in a lot of relationships where things have been broken…
Things that I’ve bought; things that I’ve earned;
been given, gifted-
…learned.
But bones often heal and time-
Well time, it blurs the edges…
Now I’m finding myself in a lot of situations where things are being restructured…
Things I’ve been taught;
things that I’ve chosen;
been given, gifted-
…learned.
But hearts often heal and experience-
Well experience, it sharpens focus.
You and me
are manifesting:
an adventure;
an experience;
Culmination of our fate.
I’m going to tell you…
my secret…
you may already know, but-
everything is lining up
to match our memories-
ones we haven’t yet had…
I always knew…
“Home” was a concept.
A prompt for activating
our programmed roles;
encouraging participation
in self-fulfilling prophecies (of doom).
Leaving me homesick
for a dream I’ve never dreamt.
Home.
Home is now known to me-
Known to be a feeling-
An intangible worry stone,
Now carried with me-
At all times;
Anchored by plasmic goo.
I’ve already began the process
Of grieving the products of my own imagination.
Recently implemented new rules of engagement;
Limiting all talks with friends,
all of them.
To under 5 minute long interactions.
Unless they’re my exes…
I figure I’ve dibs.
(I know! I knoooow.)
I know it makes me selfish;
Realizing more each day-
I want to be “chosen”
I NEED to be “chosen”
whatever that means…
I think I always have.
Reflecting on all the times
Situations…
I felt I needed to be…
Should have been…
Chosen…
by anyone-
Chosen…
over others;
over addictions
Chosen for me
Who I am
Not what I could be.
Not what I could provide.
Services I could render.
What I could become.
Just the real and authentic me.
Most only saw the mes
making the choices…
To leave
To make them
Sooner…
Later…
My choice.
I thought you loved me.
Today I just feel stupid-
“Why I sleep alone.”
I found myself there-
In that place, once again.
The cavernous mermaid lagoon;
a familiar yet frightening place; bound.
It was curious really-
Realizing where I’d arrived.
When by consciously avoiding-
My unintentional destination found.
Only for a brief moment yielding-
Like Yeats’ siren:
In cruel happiness I’d forgotten-
That even lovers drown.
Used to be…
I’d come across them-
Confetti strewn caches-
drawers of forgotten notes…
I felt sad, and missed them.
Question everything.
Then it changed…
I’d find them and realize-
I don’t know the writer-
Ghostwritten manifestos of complacency…
I’d feel disgust, and miss me.
Question everything.
Today I found more…
I read them and noted-
It really was a version of me-
Just a me adapted to them…
I feel nothing, and am missing nothing.
Question everything.
No one escapes-
Even with wars on all fronts…
The Croc’s ticking clock.
Lately I’ve been “nesting.”
Chasing serotonin and conviction- reclaiming my own curtilage.
And yet, entertaining;
Fellini-esque fantasies.
While balancing the romantic…
with the absurd.
Still, fantasies indeed are dangerous things.
Particularly;
when one feels unchallenged or complacent…
It’s easy to believe that things mean more-
Connections or kismet or fated-
too often just a novel distraction
They would soon grow bored of…
He gave her his heart,
she gave him a pen.
Is it ever real?
Too often oxytocin fueled.
And hypervigilance gives way
To resolute avoidance and/or
The altruistic conundrum-
there is no unselfish deed…
And like she said, “perhaps…”
I’ve already had my chance for that type of happiness.
Nonetheless, a growth mindset.
Endeavor to be present.
Stay the course.
Self actualize myself.
Alone is not so bad.
Lonely is much worse.
Photo from: www.shopstudiosisters.com
Few can see eternity while standing in humble awe,
Under an illuminated galaxy.
Stargazers over lifetimes,
Recognizing kindred spirits whilst acknowledging divergent paths…
Hopeless romantics, becoming fewer and farther between…
Stifled by noise and light pollution;
Subconsciously choosing to experience the taste of duty-
An assumption of desire to participate in the conditioned path.
Following breadcrumbs to the witch’s sanctum;
Below the vastness of time…
Like a homing beacon- they await a conjunction in a retrograde.
Guided only by energy and the moon;
Moths drawn to the undying light-
Second star to the right, and straight on til morning.
All the things shed-
to make way for new beginnings:
replaced by ectothermic forces
reflection no longer representative
of the self recognized by Id-
ego
ego
ego
STOP.
Increasingly lighter,
more wrinkled;
mortal coil bound.
long life lived
experiences groomed
patterns repeated
for the chance to repair-
the choice to revisit-
the future of a soul
in need of trauma repair-
control dramas
daddy issues
abandonment
fear
and love
Shame overwhelms
influencing choices
like mercury retrograde
making all communication
futile; yet needed.
spiral spiral spiral
STOP.
who do we see when we look?
cracked and distorted
visions intuited
through a looking glass, darkly.
Sorghum sadness
Artax-ia let’s say…
breathing in heavy yet noble, gases-
The vapors…
Tinkerbell feelings that expand
And dissipate in a few moments-
Except!
Except-
A certain adhesive melancholia
Sticky clouds…
Like a snare…
It’s a trap.
I can go months-
Years without a cigarette.
Until I get a certain sad that only smoking (thus far) relieves… maladaptive or not…
it’s a coping skill too…
Said certain sadness passes…
Cue subsequent guilt for even purchasing…
Then! (as if to punish myself for it)
I am compelled to finish the pack.
Oy.
We’re never really finished, I guess.
From one Pisces fish to you.... 