Tag Archives: guilt

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

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Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

I can go months-

Years without a cigarette.

Until I get a certain sad that only smoking (thus far) relieves… maladaptive or not…

it’s a coping skill too…

Said certain sadness passes…

Cue subsequent guilt for even purchasing…

Then! (as if to punish myself for it)

I am compelled to finish the pack.

Oy.

We’re never really finished, I guess.

Faith

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Faith

I’d like to say I’m like Stevie;

“I have no fear and only love…”

But I’d be a liar.

I fear I’m not good enough for you.

I’m afraid I don’t deserve you

Or your grace

Or your love.

And then I hear your voice.

It all melts away.

Everything is clear

And everything makes sense.

All of my decisions made from ignorance,

All of my choices made from desperation…

I pray to sustain the connection

and lose all of my doubt.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’ve come to the point in my academic career where I am three weeks from being DONE unless I want to be a doctor (I do not.) And while I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can’t seem to bring myself to close the gap. I am just done. It’s like I am halfway up the stairs to some magical f**king Nirvana and out of breath and just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Screw enlightenment. From conversations with most of my fellow classmates, this seems to be a general consensus;  however the fact that my apathy is shared does not push me through this ONE. LAST. WRITING. ASSIGNMENT.

And I know others are spending day after day, hour after hour working tirelessly on this same assignment that I will put much less work into for probably the same grade.

Bring on the guilt.

I find myself wasting time doing other things that I rationalize have to do with my assignment, like creating a cover page that has fancy stuff on it for my portfolio or coming up with amazing acronyms for the name of a program….Or going on Facebook to ask an opinion on wording when lo and behold it has been 2 hours and I haven’t accomplished anything besides getting lost in the timesuck.

Then I feel guilty.

So to get myself back in the right head space to critically self reflect and develop myself as a professional, I come onto this blog and write a new post or a poem or whatever else I can do to keep my ass in this seat sort of focused on coming back to this stupid assignment…

AND SURPRISE  I feel guilty for sitting on my ass. So I go do some burpees cause I said I would and I do some yoga, then I remember I need to flip the laundry and I haven’t eaten today and then a kid needs something like to be fed or paid attention to or clean underwear or someone texts me or calls me or I check my email to see if someone wrote me saying HEY!!!!! COME WORK FOR US NOWWWWWWWWWWW….then when they haven’t I decide to distract myself with some Game of Thrones or turn on slacker to lament out loud with rhythm and the pretend impressionistic stylings of me as Lily Allen or Amy Winehouse or Nina Simone…..then I walk past the desk and see my dry erase board with its giant letters that say:

TRANSFER SUMMARY DUE 5-31-13

PORTFOLIO DUE 6-5-13

TAKE HOME EXAM DUE 6-6-13

And I feel guilty so I sit my big ass back down at the desk.

I do some amazing work for a few and then decide to check on craigslist and the state website for any new job postings because:

I need a muthatruckin J-O-B!

Like a month ago I need one. And I don’t have one. I have so many bills due in like 2 weeks. OMFG

And the student loans….the student loans are enough to make me contemplate skydiving.

So I feel guilty.

Boo. Guilt is a worthless emotion and has not inspired me one iota to take care of business.

Onward.

Hey Zeus, please don’t save me.

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Hey Zeus, please don’t save me.

I often have a hard time keeping my own secular views separate from the views of people I interact with on a professional level. It is definitely something I work on, as often as I can consciously be aware of. Secular may even be too strong of a word, as I have a belief system myself. I just tend to find it does not align with the greater population’s. When one works among non-faith based organizations it is often ethically difficult for me to see how they bleed into faith based practices and not to intervene.

I understand the resilience piece of “religion.” It is very important to some people’s recovery and personal growth, their entire identity may be based in it. It’s also a definitive pro-social activity for most. It is a sense of community. Churches offer many things to many people. But to have it be the only option in some circles is frustrating.

I really find religion to be exactly as described by Marx and others. An opiate of a society. I am not an atheist. Truth be told, I believe in energy and the human need to name it. That is all. And aliens; sweet ancient baby alien space monkeys, named Jebus….

I digress.

Perhaps it is because of my own relationship or lack there of with organized religion that causes this disconnect. Guilt was the only religious icon my family of origin worshiped, and even that was in secret.  I have read into many religions and feel comfortable with my base knowledge of most. I feel that I am open minded and liberal about most things, but I have a real hang up about religion. Why is that?

I find myself judging most religions for being judgmental. I find myself wanting to offer alternatives to people that don’t want to do anything but church related activities…How do you temper that? I frustrate myself.

Cliché or not, spirituality I find inspiring, religion I find oppressive. Oy.

One thing I have realized over the years is that I find more patriarchal religions to be the most aggravating to me…perhaps it is my inner feminist that spurs my disdain. The thought is ever evolving….

Onward….

Guilt is a worthless emotion.

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Guilt is a worthless emotion.

I don’t know if you all have been paying attention, but if so, you will know that I have lost 11 pounds in as many days on the Dukan Diet. Yay me.

That being said, it is starting to affect my subconscious.

I dreamed last night the most luscious of dreams.

I was cheating on the husband. My lover (and oh man was he) took me to dinner in New Orleans and I ate shrimp, a proper food for my Dukan Diet.

But dessert……oh, that was pure decadence.

Bananas Foster.

It was DIVINE>

And as I took the last bite, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I felt guilty and began bawling like a wee lass who lost her puppy.

I felt no remorse cheating on my husband. But on my diet? That was more than I could handle.

I think there must be something to the fact that I chose a dessert I have never had and also the fact that it is one that is on fire…..

Oy vei.

Absolve

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Absolve

Mornings come with quick resolve.

decisions made to stick to

prayers for rain answered by layers of snow.

snow angels absolve my guilt.

tongue stuck out for flakes

spinning in a storm that is my own

I create the weather.

 

Tour of Duty

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Tour of Duty

Silent enemies

lurk in your mind,

forgotten foes

left there for all time.

Conflicted emotions,

dark energies that lilt,

no dreams are friendly

on a ‘Tour of Guilt.’

The spirits they see,

yet they are not possessed,

by the demons that haunt you

or the feelings you’ve repressed.

Forgiveness is a luxury,

one you can not receive,

until you grant yourself

a final reprieve.