Monthly Archives: December 2011

Flashback poem of the week: I want my bra back; unburned


I no longer want the pressure of a man’s world

Of working a job that I hate

Mindlessly toiling on a hamster wheel

Because the money is so good

And the benefits are great

I no longer want the expectation of my father

To do all the things I didn’t let him

Going to school to avoid the loans

Because even with my degrees

I can’t get a better job to pay them

I no longer want this independence

Of being an unmarried working student mom

Never having a thoughtless moment

Because something must always be done

I’m a neurotic ticking time bomb

I no longer want Judy Syfers’ Wife

To experience the life of a man’s man

I want my bra back; unburned

Because I want to stay home, domestic

Experience this so called “better than.”

© Jani Belcoe 2009

And so it begins, the end is near? 2012 and junk…


So I was thinking about the hoopla surrounding 2012 and all the varying thoughts/theories on it. Is it the end? Is it a shift in consciousness? Zombie Apocalypse? Are the aliens coming? Did I really fail to get recruited by the Illuminati in time? Were the Mayans just bored and decided to stop? Are the Reptilians coming? Is the 12th planet coming into our scope? Phone home Nibiru? Is the rapture coming? Is it a metaphorical end? Is it when Walter comes to know Walternate? Is Alex Jones right? Is Tom Cruise right? Was Zecharia Sitchin right? Will the election trigger the end? Will there be mail service in the FEMA camps? Is the NWO using the 2012 hype as a mass distraction put their own evil agendas into action? I don’t know. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH these are the thoughts that consume my brain power when I am not in school with required reading! And you wonder why I frequently am an insomniac…..

Anyone who knows me knows I am a little bit of a conspiracy theorist and suspects I wear an aluminum foil hat (when anyone who knows anything knows that you have to use TIN foil, duh). What I do know is that the first time I heard anything about the 12-21-2012 date was when I was pregnant with my son, 15 years ago. My best friend and her husband, Brian, were living with us and we spoke about it at length several times. I am not sure where he had even heard of it but since he was originally from California, I probably just assumed that being as sophisticated and worldly as being Californian makes you that everyone there knew. Ha. How naive I was, in all of my pregnant 16-year-old glory…

I digress.

Regardless, December 21, 2012 seemed like a science fiction date then. “In the year 2012….” cue the action movie score…..Now it is here and I am not sure what to think. I have made preparations for at least 6 scenarios; another 3 I have decided require no action on my part. Given my geographic location, those scenarios pretty much guarantee my imminent death. I have made peace with that.

In the event that life doesn’t change, my 2nd anniversary goes on without a hitch and my student loans remain a blemish on my soul, I wish you a premature Happy Solstice!

What are your plans for 2012? Life as usual?



I see them as they are; sad little girls

In old ladies bodies, in hand me down shoes

On their hand me down street corner stations

That the last painted lady left them

Their only precious inheritance.

A generation deluded by movies

Closing their eyes, putting on the uniform

Shutting out horrors, dreaming of retirement

Knowing their street sense is better than the last’s.

She was found behind the bar cold and dead.

While yet another sad little girl

In her very own way wronged; betrayed

Steps on the sidewalk excited; in control.

And watching for Edward Lewis’s Lotus,

She is quickly consumed by the streets.

Water Déjà vu


I’ve always memorized bathroom ceilings:

Submerged, looking up at faces in its texture,

Light reflected dancing ripples on the tile walls,

Watching my voyeuristic friends in forgotten corners,

Quietly observing me from above.

My true Piscean solace,

And it was odd, how the thought emerged;

“Nothing heals me like water.”

My mantra mimicking the rhythm of the tide,

Created by the horizontal push of my toes from the faucet.

I dream of water; the ocean.

Inside me is a longing,

For the impossibly familiar cold Irish beaches.

I can still taste the fog, thick in my mouth,

Feel the sea spray on my face.

I’m never sure if they are my memories or some other lifetime’s;

A forgotten life or a touch of the divine

Little breakthroughs come in waves,

Like pieces of a movie

And someone pushed rewind.

Almost like wading through the pages of an old photo album,

You never know if you remember hearing the story

Or if you were actually there and experienced it.

They are my salt cracked composite images

Of some other life, place and time.

Words with “friends”? Yeah, RIGHT, Zynga is the devil.


So I have become addicted to this damn game. It’s like that one board game, you know the one with the scrambled tiles? :O The problem with this game is the words from that game work, but so do some proper nouns, but not all. For example, Iraq(i) doesn’t work but Egypt does. Jew doesn’t work, but Haji does. I mean WTF? I digress.

Then sometimes you are playing with people who you know you are going to beat, you have been working on the same game for 2 weeks or 2 hours, depending on your combined schedules. Then you get a turn that you can’t find anywhere to play unless you set someone up and you hope they can’t use it…

Case in point: all I have to use and I can use it NEXT to a triple word play, is QUAY. Now, I know this is a word because I saw it on a hotel near my home and Googled it, it means “wharf.” So I do a little odds in my head and decide if I play it there should be two esses left in the game so chances of me getting one is pretty good, and chances my opponent has one not any better. The S would play in the triple spot, so I play it, take my lame points and get my S, YES!!!!!! I am going to get 3x the points for my Q next turn and then……my bastard of a husband has the other S and robs my spot.

Son of a &*(^*$%*(*&^)*&^*&^#$*&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t speak to him or play any of the rest of my ongoing games for 12 hours.

It was in that moment that I commiserated and empathized with Mr. Alec Baldwin.

I have been incredibly angry with my baby brother. My best friend. My husband. Complete strangers. I mean really? Uzi isn’t a word but Ut is? WTFFFFFFFFF

Godblessed cheaters.

I am not friends with words with friends. That’s for damn sure. Now, sorry for the late and short blog, I must go spell. I am C-O-M-P-E-L-L-E-D.


Day of alleged birth of future first zombie eve


Today I got to nap.

Today I watched little kids (who are not mine :(…..) open presents I got them.

Today I got to eat the perfect Caribbean Jerk drumstick hot wings that were extra crispy and perfect while drinking a magical bloody mary at BWW with the hubby and he wasnt even working!

Today I got to drive around and look at pretty twinkle lights and soon I will be at the movies. Its nice.

I hope you are all with the ones you love ( or at least some ONE you love, even if they aren’t human….)

Merry Christmas, Eid, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Solstice, whatever you have been celebrating in the last month and the next month. 🙂 


Passages Malibu?


Just a quick observation: I just saw a commercial for a rehab center that showed happy people and was being narrated by the “co-founder” who stated that its not a 12 step program its a whole life program and he should know, because he was an addict for 10 years and now he is not.

Um, I believe that is exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to teach….once an addict always an addict? Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic? You are just clean and sober now right? Meh, sorry, that verbiage irritated me. They should have a better PR person.

Student loans: A love/hate relationship


While I love the fact that student loans allow me to comfortably continue my education, I hate the fact that they aren’t as easy to maintain as they would like you to believe. Everyone says that as long as you keep them abreast of what’s going on in your life, you know personal, emotional, physical, educational, familial (as in cousin’s sister’s mother’s brother’s wife’s second cousin’s uncle’s mother’s maiden name), sexual, etc. everything is ALL GOOD.

Not true!

MAY 2011:

When I withdrew from one Master of Social Work program in one state to attend another in a different state, I called the National Student Loan Database 800 number of God. Mind you this call was made 7.5 MONTHS BEFORE MY LOANS CAME OUT OF DEFERMENT. I said something to the effect of “Hey! This is whats going on! I am going from a semester program to a quarter term program and to line up my classes with theirs I have to wait until Winter term because they are taking classes I have already taken this fall. Ergo, I will be a month outside of my grace period before I start school again. I’m letting you know now so that I can get the deferment extended or something, whatever it is you Almighty Student Loan Gods can do.”

To which I was told, “um yeah like there is nothing we can do until the month your loans come out of deferment so like call us in November. But yeah I will totally note your account so when you get your new address get it to us cause its like totally bad for you to move and not tell us. blah blah something else that is useless”

Uh, yeah, dumbasses. Like I am going to call to tell you this but try to screw you on where to send my statements.  I am not done with school. I need you to like me for now. F**K

I digress.


I, doing my due diligence, call them up. In fact, I called every single one of my individual lenders and explained it to them. They all seemed to understand and said that they would push it back until after the “census date” at my new school but that I needed to also call the National Student Loan blah blah blah and sacrifice a goat in the full moon and spread the blood all over my undergrad degrees to satiate them so that my magical forbearance would go through and mail/email/fax them proof of said ritual. Done. 3x. Literally.

Fast forward a month:


I get an email that says you owe $75239785629374650345645.14 on January 7th, 2012.

This is me:

So I call them and very calmly explain that I am trying very hard to remain calm as a Hindu f**king cow but that if they do not help me when I have been on top of this and doing EVERYTHING they have asked almost a year ahead of time, jumping through every flaming and increasingly smaller hoop they have placed before me, that I am going to freak the FUCKKKKKKK out.

The ESL customer service clerk/hoop holder I spoke to immediately transferred me to a supervisor. Ha.

Said supervisor said no problem! I see what you are saying, HOWEVER, we never received the proof of sacrifice you made last month AKA inschool deferment form. *mind you I sent this form in triplicate*

So I say ok, send me another! She does and I fill print it out, sign it, scan it and the required proofs, faxing it to them and to my school so my advisor (who I was told needed to sign it since it is going to be arranged before the census date). Bullet dodged.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday, I get an email from my advisor saying she is not allowed to sign them, that she forwarded it to the appropriate parties to sign it and fax it to Texas. (of course, it ends in Texas. FML) So i am like ok, no biggie, sweet deal.

Then today I get an email, saying that my forbearance was denied on 2 of my 3723789465934 loans (cause they have all been sold to various lenders thank you Sallie Mae you whore) payment in the amount of $39475028450 is still due January 7th, 2012 and if I miss that payment I will not receive my Spring term payments and they will tell the credit agencies and I will not pass go, not collect $200 and will not get into Heaven. I figure “oh, they are just missing each other in the mail or the system, whateva…..”

Then about 5 hours ago I get a phone call from the school official that is supposed to be signing my form and faxing it to Texas. He says that by CONTRACT with the National Student Loan Clearance House he is not allowed to sign said form and that I will just have to make a payment before the census date makes me deferred again.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I am not even censoring myself at this point in my head I am calling him everything but a brave human man.

In real life I say “ok. Thank you for your help.”

I hang up phone and die inside.

Then I call the Almighty 800 number, pull my bitch card and cry to the student loan people. Literally, like the 16 year old girl who just got pulled over for the first time; only I really meant it. BAWAWHAHWHAHHWHHAHHWHHAHHW sob sob. This person is helpful, says she was in a similar situation and IMMEDIATELY approves me for a forbearance until 3-1-2012. (allegedly) I hang up, hope she pushes the right button on the computer cause I am positive that is all it takes and I make peace with the knowledge that I have literally done ALL THAT I CAN.

I decided it’s the f**king I get for the f**king I got, and went on with my day, then the guy from the school who couldn’t sign my form calls back. Says he talked to a few people and because of my grades and harassment and that I am registered for so many classes (uh, only full time for a grad student…) that he is going to go ahead and do it this one time so that I can continue my “new start” at their school.


Hopefully it is all good now.

I doubt it.

Can I get a collective F**K student loans now? gees.

Praise  sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus.

Sun? NO!



I would love to write something totally deep and inspiring but all I got today is that things are going ok, hell the sun is even shining here in the Pacific NW, what else could I ask for? It’s a good day.

I got Amy Winehouse vinyl playing in the living room, I am able to dance and fold laundry. It’s a good day.

I have coffee and cinnabun creamer. It’s a good day.

I’m gonna make blueberry pancakes for me and my man here real soon, once he gets back from his magical job interview that is going to allow us to be capitalist swine! YAY lol. It’s a good day.

That last bit sounded like I am from southern Missouri. eek.

I digress. It’s a good day.

1 year in….


So I am going to be short and sweet….The computer is actually supposed to be offlimits yesterday, today and tomorrow…It’s the old man and I’s first anniversary tomorrow so we took a few days off to celebrate not killing each other yet! Its been up and down and again and sideways, but when it comes down to it, we still love and hate each other passionately; honesty, fun, passion, intelligent conversation and a constant challenge to each other we are still making it~!

*plus he’s good to my kids and they like him, despite his love for the Denver Donkeys…..

On a side note: I keep finding slugs under my dishwasher…wtf