Tag Archives: Texas

Student loans: A love/hate relationship

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While I love the fact that student loans allow me to comfortably continue my education, I hate the fact that they aren’t as easy to maintain as they would like you to believe. Everyone says that as long as you keep them abreast of what’s going on in your life, you know personal, emotional, physical, educational, familial (as in cousin’s sister’s mother’s brother’s wife’s second cousin’s uncle’s mother’s maiden name), sexual, etc. everything is ALL GOOD.

Not true!

MAY 2011:

When I withdrew from one Master of Social Work program in one state to attend another in a different state, I called the National Student Loan Database 800 number of God. Mind you this call was made 7.5 MONTHS BEFORE MY LOANS CAME OUT OF DEFERMENT. I said something to the effect of “Hey! This is whats going on! I am going from a semester program to a quarter term program and to line up my classes with theirs I have to wait until Winter term because they are taking classes I have already taken this fall. Ergo, I will be a month outside of my grace period before I start school again. I’m letting you know now so that I can get the deferment extended or something, whatever it is you Almighty Student Loan Gods can do.”

To which I was told, “um yeah like there is nothing we can do until the month your loans come out of deferment so like call us in November. But yeah I will totally note your account so when you get your new address get it to us cause its like totally bad for you to move and not tell us. blah blah something else that is useless”

Uh, yeah, dumbasses. Like I am going to call to tell you this but try to screw you on where to send my statements.  I am not done with school. I need you to like me for now. F**K

I digress.

NOVEMBER 2011:

I, doing my due diligence, call them up. In fact, I called every single one of my individual lenders and explained it to them. They all seemed to understand and said that they would push it back until after the “census date” at my new school but that I needed to also call the National Student Loan blah blah blah and sacrifice a goat in the full moon and spread the blood all over my undergrad degrees to satiate them so that my magical forbearance would go through and mail/email/fax them proof of said ritual. Done. 3x. Literally.

Fast forward a month:

DECEMBER 2011:

I get an email that says you owe $75239785629374650345645.14 on January 7th, 2012.

This is me:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/12844/home-alone-after-shave

So I call them and very calmly explain that I am trying very hard to remain calm as a Hindu f**king cow but that if they do not help me when I have been on top of this and doing EVERYTHING they have asked almost a year ahead of time, jumping through every flaming and increasingly smaller hoop they have placed before me, that I am going to freak the FUCKKKKKKK out.

The ESL customer service clerk/hoop holder I spoke to immediately transferred me to a supervisor. Ha.

Said supervisor said no problem! I see what you are saying, HOWEVER, we never received the proof of sacrifice you made last month AKA inschool deferment form. *mind you I sent this form in triplicate*

So I say ok, send me another! She does and I fill print it out, sign it, scan it and the required proofs, faxing it to them and to my school so my advisor (who I was told needed to sign it since it is going to be arranged before the census date). Bullet dodged.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday, I get an email from my advisor saying she is not allowed to sign them, that she forwarded it to the appropriate parties to sign it and fax it to Texas. (of course, it ends in Texas. FML) So i am like ok, no biggie, sweet deal.

Then today I get an email, saying that my forbearance was denied on 2 of my 3723789465934 loans (cause they have all been sold to various lenders thank you Sallie Mae you whore) payment in the amount of $39475028450 is still due January 7th, 2012 and if I miss that payment I will not receive my Spring term payments and they will tell the credit agencies and I will not pass go, not collect $200 and will not get into Heaven. I figure “oh, they are just missing each other in the mail or the system, whateva…..”

Then about 5 hours ago I get a phone call from the school official that is supposed to be signing my form and faxing it to Texas. He says that by CONTRACT with the National Student Loan Clearance House he is not allowed to sign said form and that I will just have to make a payment before the census date makes me deferred again.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I am not even censoring myself at this point in my head I am calling him everything but a brave human man.

In real life I say “ok. Thank you for your help.”

I hang up phone and die inside.

Then I call the Almighty 800 number, pull my bitch card and cry to the student loan people. Literally, like the 16 year old girl who just got pulled over for the first time; only I really meant it. BAWAWHAHWHAHHWHHAHHWHHAHHW sob sob. This person is helpful, says she was in a similar situation and IMMEDIATELY approves me for a forbearance until 3-1-2012. (allegedly) I hang up, hope she pushes the right button on the computer cause I am positive that is all it takes and I make peace with the knowledge that I have literally done ALL THAT I CAN.

I decided it’s the f**king I get for the f**king I got, and went on with my day, then the guy from the school who couldn’t sign my form calls back. Says he talked to a few people and because of my grades and harassment and that I am registered for so many classes (uh, only full time for a grad student…) that he is going to go ahead and do it this one time so that I can continue my “new start” at their school.

Yay.

Hopefully it is all good now.

I doubt it.

Can I get a collective F**K student loans now? gees.

Praise  sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus.

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Of course it starts in Garland, Texas!

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Season’s Eatings!

Christmas and the whole Christian story of the resurrection always makes me think of zombies. I read a lot about how to survive a zombie apocalypse….I found it highly suspect that the movie “Zombieland” began in Garland, Texas….The town where some of my deepest seated fears began. We moved there when I was really little and only lived there for approximately a year,  maybe a year and a half but in that time I was:

  • Electrocuted by crawling under my aunt’s bar and sticking keys into an electrical outlet;
  • Attacked by red ants;
  • Subsequently traumatized by being held down in an ice bath;
  • Told large black people were gorillas after going to the Dallas zoo and being shown the scary gorillas, when we lived in an apartment complex that I believe had 2 other white families besides us (oh yes, thanks passive aggressively racist family, you were my first lesson in needless hate) Pursuant to a family member’s WRONG assumption that this particular anecdote was about them; I would like to strike the above example to save face for them;
  • Pushed down the stairs by my parent’s friend’s daughter wherein I cracked my head open on the rock pad at the bottom;
  • Bitten so hard on the stomach by that girl’s brother that 30 years later I still have the teeth scars;
  • Was consistently put through windows to unlock the doors at people’s houses, including my own (did no one have keys???);
  • Watched “ET”, “Star Wars VI”, “Peter Pan” and “The Wizard of Oz” , truly it is surprising I have never been treated for some sort of neurosis….
  • Had my hair which was tied with some crazy fluffy cotton gauzy ribbon stuff get caught in a box fan;
  • Had my hamster escape and get into my bed, and my mother’s who has a preternatural fear of rodents, on separate nights;
  • Was threatened not to get out of bed in the dark because of “apartment bugs” which bit….turned on the light once to see the biggest roaches ever scatter….I didn’t know what they were until many years later, but i guarantee I never got out of bed after that….;
  • Was told (mind you I was 2-3 years old) about the lady of the lake and the copperhead snakes that were in the water and would kill me where we went swimming;
  • Went to the set of the tv show “Dallas” and was scared sh*tless by the HUGE buffalo there.

This is just off the top of my head. What the hell were my parents doing? Where were they? GEES.

Wow, what got me started on that? Oh yeah. Zombieland at Garland, Texas.

I digress(ed).

So. I think in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would first seek out the mormon apocalypse pantries to set myself up with food. Hopefully, I would also have amassed enough guns and ammo to outlast the zombie’s starving, but I am not sure how I would fortify my home….I’m thinking that Will Smith in “I am Legend” had the bomb ass set up. Short of that, I don’t think life would be worth living. I may just sacrifice myself. I pray that when the human created (or nature created, for that matter) virus comes and starts turning us into zombies, it will be kind enough to create photophobic zombies and destroy the use of run on sentences.

How will you survive?

Will you sacrifice yourself?

Give up?

Or fight?

Praise the walking dead. Merry Christmas. Hallelujah.

HO HO HO

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So since I am a relative blogging virgin (or atleast newbie) yesterday’s foray into commentary on the occupy issues left me with some really nasty emails, comments and tweets. What is a commie bootlicker anyway?

I digress.

Today I have decided to follow Mr. Nate Shenk’s lead and share some lighthearted Christmas memories 🙂

The first specifically Christmas memory I have is from when I was 2 or 3 in Garland, Texas….I was wearing my silky R2D2 C3PO pajamas, came downstairs and got a strawberry shortcake table. I remember my mom gave me a corndog for breakfast ( I thought it was sooooo weird!) and she served it on one of those old (new then I suppose) square tubberware plates, it was red and I mixed my mustard and ketchup together with my fingers…I got hollared at….Then sometime during the day, at night I think, we watched “The Wizard of Oz” on tv. I didn’t make it all the way through.

The first Christmas I had with my son was spent in Eugene, Oregon. It was my first experience in Oregon that was out of the desert….I fell in love with the Northwest then. We mowed the lawn! Everything was green! It was fantastic! My son was much more interested in army crawling around and eating the pine needles and ornaments and wrapping paper than any of the presents we got him 🙂

The first Christmas with my daughter, she was about the same age as my son during his first Christmas (spring babies). Similar experience, although, I believe she really really liked the lights alot more because she would just stare at them forever, quietly. If you know my daughter or knew her as a baby, quietly is not how she did, or does, ANYTHING>

My best Christmas with my husband, was spent on the coast of Oregon. We came all the way from Twin Falls, Idaho to see the Decemberists in Portland at the Crystal Ballroom and spent a few days going to breweries and messing around on the coast (which is soooo nice in the winter not so much in the summer lol) On Christmas Eve, we ate in a restaurant in Yachats that has since been closed. We sat at a table by the window looking at all the old Rock Concert posters, watching the tide come into the estuary…The sun was setting and this song was playing, it was all very romantic. He was eating spagetti and meatballs and joked about how we should do the lady and the tramp thing…I rolled my eyes and laughed, he is very cheesy that way…And then he proposed. It was like in a movie. Perfection.

Hope your holiday is cheesy and as close to your version of perfection as possible….And if it isn’t, oh well…you can always just fingerpaint on your plate then.