Category Archives: 2012

Rape, abortion, politics and me.

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Rape, abortion, politics and me.

I read something earlier today that made me think a lot about the ramifications of a Romney led country; given the statements that have been made and the stances historically taken by the GOP. Many jokes have been made, gallows humor I suppose, about the white republican males knowledge of my genitalia and sensitive workings of which I couldn’t possibly be allowed to control, you know, as a woman.

But at the heart of it, I am fearful. And THAT frightens me.

I am frightened of what a Romney led Supreme Court could do to Roe v. Wade. To strides made in wage equality. To strides made in marriage equality. Veteran’s benefits equality. Military service equality. Equality in general.

And I also believe that I am rather experientially qualified to speak to a lot of it.

What in particular frightens me most is the seeming need to take away a woman’s right to choose if and when she can have an abortion. If and when she can have birth control and how much it will cost. Et cetera.

You see, my own mother was the product of a rape. And according to (R) Todd Akin, a “legitimate” one at that.  But her mother was poor. She was from backwoods Missouri and lived in a time when if you got a girl pregnant, you married her. So marry her rapist she did. She gave birth to my mother either right before or right after she turned 14. My mother was treated with hate and resentment by her own mother, a mother that was a scared and traumatized girl who was subjected to repeated abuse by an evil adult man. When my grandmother finally got away from him, she sent my mother and her little brother with him. My mother represented everything evil about her adolescent and teenaged years so instead of protecting my mother, she projected upon her. She rejected her repeatedly. She allowed her to be abused by him as well, however in her defense; I don’t know if she even realized what he was doing. This is the world my mother grew up in. This is why my mother is  irreparably broken. Why my mother will always be a child mother, as described by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She cannot deal with life in any healthy way. My mother allowed those cycles to continue. In her own misguided way, perhaps even facilitated them. Our family has a systemic history of sexual and physical violence.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I am a survivor of rape. I chose to have an abortion when I was 21, to terminate a pregnancy that was not the result of rape or incest and my life was not in danger. I simply could not afford another child and decided not to have it. As I sit here today, ripe with all my book learning and fancy education in social work and criminology, despite my lifelong passion and commitment to end the cycle of my own abuse, my own daughter was abused. But we are survivors, she and I. She is actually the one who inspired me to write this, as I am sure certain family members who could read this may be less than thrilled that I wrote it and am publishing it publicly. But I will not continue shame and secrets. Those things give power. I refuse to participate and facilitate. I now understand transgenerational trauma. My mother has never been anything but a victim in her eyes. She wouldn’t know how to be a survivor. She has never allowed herself to be validated as one. And after years of trying, I gave up on fixing her to follow my own path.

A path that had my grandmother been financially or theologically able to control; never would have been. She told me more than once when I was younger that she had prayed for a miscarriage, a stillborn, anything while she was pregnant. Had she been granted that, my mother never would have been born. I would have never been born. My daughter would never have been born. At least not in these specific situations. I have the benefit of my beliefs, which in the most simplistic of explanations are as follows: I believe in energy and the human need to name it and I also believe that energy never disappears, it merely changes. I also believe that we have some control before we are born in choosing our circumstances. This shapes my conscience the same as your beliefs shape yours.

So, in believing this way I can say that in some other way, I would have been born. Or maybe not. The baby I aborted? Was born later. I remember reading a Dean Koontz book once that had a boy who I believe was labeled as autistic, but in reality he was some amazing dimensional savant who, in one scene of torrential downpour, was walking with numerous other characters and yet he was the only one that didn’t get wet…When they asked him how he avoided the water, he replied “I just walked where it wasn’t raining.” I’ve digressed, but my point is that similarly to TV shows like “Fringe,””Lost” and any other amazing multiversal show created by JJ Abrams, every choice we make can be made different somewhere else. Theoretically, in some other dimension where my grandma was able to have an abortion, where she was allowed some semblance of a normal childhood and my mother was never born to her to be resented and broken, I was never born. My daughter in turn, never was either. And I am OK with that. That is a choice that I believe my grandmother should have been able to make.

But for a man, any man, who can never experience what it means to be carrying the product of a rape and be expected to love it and cherish it as a gift of some God to determine legally who can make that choice is absolutely wrong.

For a man, any man, who can never experience what it means to be carrying a child that you don’t want, can’t care for, are not ready for, know you will not be able to be a proper parent to and yet be expected to love it and cherish it the way it deserves because of how HE feels the LAW should be, is absolutely wrong.

I can see this issue from every female side. I do not understand how these men can dictate from a position of ignorance. Some of them are well educated. But they cannot know what it is like.

I am for equality, in all choices. To be able to choose whether you see a pregnancy which results from a rape as a blessing or a curse, to keep it, terminate it or put it up for adoption is the most intimate and difficult of choices. And it should be a personal one. And the same should be said about a pregnancy that is the product of a one night stand. A relationship. A birth control mistake. A statistical anomaly from perfectly taken birth control. A broken condom. It should not be one that is made in the legislature. It is not one that should be made by men who have no idea what is going on in a woman’s life.

Becoming a parent is a huge decision.

You know that bumper sticker that says “A world of wanted children would make a world of difference.” Ponder it for a moment.

Why would you force someone who wants an abortion to have and raise a child when you already believe they are wrong, misled or evil because they WANT an abortion? You already know they don’t want or have decided they can’t have the child. Otherwise, they wouldn’t want the abortion. Just slow down and think.

Human Rights courts have determined it is a violation of human rights to not allow someone who is raped to have an abortion.

So many things are going on in the government, in society, in the world that seems to be attempting to exert power over others. Has the pendulum really swung back so far that we are going to start going the other way? Are the men so worried women are going toward equal that they need to start oppressing us again? Sexually? Legally? From the vaginal ultrasounds before an abortion to Paul Ryan’s not even wanting IVF to be legal, we could be moving backwards. I just wish more people were understanding what could potentially happen. What the damage could be. Back alley abortions. Unreported rapes. More babies in dumpsters. Infanticides. Suicides. Should we bring back the foundling wheel?

Oy. I could go on and on. But I suppose I will close with a quote from Hillary Clinton: “I have met thousands and thousands of prochoice men and women. I have never met anyone who is proabortion.”

Have you always wanted to run with the wolves? Well, how about ZOMBIES….

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Have you always wanted to run with the wolves? Well, how about ZOMBIES….

Hey I can’t do this and need money. Hook a chica up. Cost $87 through them, $50 through me.

http://portland.craigslist.org/clk/tix/3082331610.html

Vision Board, check.

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Vision Board, check.

I have a vision board. It is about 2 years old. I have been reevaluating it and taking stock of what it meant, what it means and what is coming to fruition. I am more than pleased with my progress.

My not for profit is becoming more and more shaped in my head and on paper, due to my using it as fodder for my MSW assignments.

My advanced placement practicum is going to be at my first choice org. which I have been salivating at getting to work at, to the point that I have put off my volunteerism in order to not engage in a conflict of interest.

Yay for me at the Cascade AIDS Project!

I have missed my intrinsic rewards….a.l.p.h.a. had me at “Hello.”

Also, I have a couple leads on summer jobs!

I am pretty much just excited in general about life, right now.

There is still much work to be done, but I am getting there.

Where, I do not know. But it is closer.

Cheers!

Your meditation and thoughts for the day:

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Your meditation and thoughts for the day:

Sacred Geometry….

String theory….sound…HAARP…Taos Hum….Trumpeting sounds at baseball games….invisibility cloaks….I’m picking up good vibrations…The celestine prophecy….crystals….music…..fractals….math….energy…energy fields….Prayer….All forms of hoobie joobie embraced by millions…Ujjayi breath…Ohm….It’s the whole universe. It’s universeS.

Micro to macro.

It’s all tied together….

I am amazed….You should be too….My mind is blown from the possible connections….

More on sounds…click this….

*mind you some of the above sounds in that link have been debunked, they are victim to the internet….but not all*

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

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The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

I love going to school in a place like Portland. I am in school with people who are willing to get a mouthful of pepper spray and not one of them has tried to “Save me” or convince me that LGBT2S are going to hell. It’s a whole other world of Social Work out of Idaho….

Anywhooo, yesterday, I learned of a mysteriously nonmysterious group called the American Legislative Exchange Council. They (in a nutshell) are a group of private and public politicians and corporations that make sure “the corporate entity’s voice is not ignored in Congress.”

Um, CORPORATIONS ARE NOT PEOPLE.

THEY DON’T HAVE A VOICE THEY HAVE MONETARY INTERESTS!

Read their website and then read this: www.alecexposed.org

They are the group behind the magical “stand your ground laws” we have all been hearing about the last two months due to the atrocity of Trayvon Martin’s murder.

It is interesting to me how many of these members are also alleged members of the alleged Bilderberg group. What’s that? Who is Bilderberg? Oh fun!

It’s just a group that has allegedly been around since 1954 (that we know of) that hold secret meetings of all the power in the world. That’s all. Definitely not Freemasons or Illuminati or NWO participants. Of course not.

These are simply historic organizations that are misunderstood and wrongly vilified plot mechanisms and characters for Hollywood. 😉

I encourage you all to read up on alec.org.

Unless you are comfortable living in a potential police state after the laws have been bought by corporations, schools have become privatized along with prisons and banks own us stupid breeders. Oh wait…didn’t aren’t we….Hmmm. Nevermind.

If that is ok with you than by all means, sit idly until it all comes to your door.

*resecuring tin foil hat*

 

In case you didn’t know:

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And the first official zombie.

Happy Ham eating, you infidels! 😀

xoxo

Jani

*Thanks to Mr. Gonzales for the pic.

Be Love. “That which you give your energy and emotion to becomes your reality.”

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Be Love. “That which you give your energy and emotion to becomes your reality.”

To the One who is constantly sending me the most beautiful and hopeful things, thank you.

I much prefer this explanation as the reason for certain feelings and dreams which myself and some of my closest friends have had as of late.

This is what I shall fixate my energy on.

Enjoy.

And always remember, don’t ever forget: BE LOVE.

“Be love now” ~ Ram Dass AKA Richard Alpert….(my easter egg for the month 🙂

Be love sounds like believe….hmmm

The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men…..

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I had such plans for today!

Alas, Mother Nature had other plans.

 

So kiddos are home for a couple more hours.

I’m looking at the snow, it’s looking at me, and I want to seed the clouds with Lithium.

So in honor of rolling with the punches, I give you music for the snowy soul (atleast it’s not rain yet!):

Yeah ah ey yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

Perhaps my Spring Break will be better tomorrow.

I like it, I’m not gonna crack……..

But I would like to sing a different song tomorrow:

Spring…is here…..again…..

Ostara….Eostre…Easter…whatever…Spring!

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Ostara….Eostre…Easter…whatever…Spring!

WAHOOOOOO! It’s the first day of SPRING!

Now mind you, one would not know that by looking out my windows, as here in the magically and infamously warm and balmy Pacific Northwest, it is snowing. :/ Sigh.

However, the Pagan celebration of the spring equinox, known by many names (Ostara, Eostre, etc.) is not unlike numerous other festivals, holidays and “holy days,” that the religion in power has changed to suit its purposes. One does not have to try hard to see the similarities between Ostara, Eostre and Easter. Both have to eggs (fertility), rabbits (known of course for their “fecundity” and affinity for chocolate?…hahah) and grass, beginnings and rebirth attached. But this is not to be a commentary on the bastardization of cyclic events! No sir! I shall NOT digress!

Today, I want only to remind you that today is the beginning of the REAL new year. The light and the darkness are balanced today. From here until the winter solstice, the light shall be dominant.  Let it be the same in your mind, heart and body. Start this season with intention, decide how you want your life to be and begin it today, anew. Release the darkness of the winter and make strides to shrug off the heaviness, in whatever form it may have actualized on you.

Go for a walk. Meditate. Say what you need to say, to whomever you need to say it to. Smell a flower. Perform a fertility ritual. Have some sex. Smudge your house. Spring cleaning isn’t just about dusting the places you can’t easily reach….or is it? 😀

Perform whatever cleansing ritual you desire, be it cleaning your house, saying a prayer or simply opening your windows. Plant a seed, mentally or physically.

Begin again.

Love and Light,

Jani

xoxo

St. Patty’s AND Farmer’s Market kickoff? YES! Sláinte!

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St. Patty’s AND Farmer’s Market kickoff? YES! Sláinte!

After a rocky start this morning which included me not even remembering it was St. Patrick’s Day, I logged into Facebook (duh) and saw that the Vancouver Farmer’s Market was opening back up this morning! YAY

You know why “Yay?”

Because this:

Is all I have left of last year’s goat milk soap stores! Gasp!

So I went with the intent of ONLY buying goat milk soap, allergy honey and herb starts if they had them yet.

This was my favorite flower arrangement I saw and *GASP*

Not a lily in it! Digging the hell out of the blue-painted bristlecombs.

Fiddleheads! Shrooms! Welll, fiddle dee dee!

This guy is amazing. He caught me taking his pic and I only had larger bills so I couldn’t tip him so he insisted on taking MY pic as payment. i hope I am not on some website as the b***h that didn’t tip. I sent the male child back with a dollar when we left, just in case.

Big version of Bosley dog:

Her name was Gracie and she was an old lady!

people getting in my way of a good shot! Damn the luck.

HONEY!

The male child’s only request and his treasured prizes…

As herbs aren’t available there yet, I walked away with my soap and honey as scores…I didn’t buy ANYTHING else. I am so proud of my restraint.

Now I have money for drinking! HAZAH!!!

Happy St. Patty’s Day! Enjoy your American bastardized holiday! I will!