Category Archives: zombies

Vernal Reveries

Standard
Vernal Reveries

And it’s only now, that I get it.

Naivety and overconfidence. What a combo. 

 What though the radiance which was once so bright

 Be now for ever taken from my sight,

 Though nothing can bring back the hour

 Of splendour in the grass,

 of glory in the flower,

 We will grieve not, rather find

 Strength in what remains behind;

 In the primal sympathy

 Which having been must ever be;

 In the soothing thoughts that spring

 Out of human suffering;

 In the faith that looks through death,

 In years that bring the philosophic mind.

~ William Wordsworth

two weeks eh? Dang.

Standard
two weeks eh? Dang.

So maybe I have been slightly distracted by life and slowly becoming more distracted…

I hadn’t realized it had been two freaking weeks since I blogged. EEEEP….

But the return is worth it…for example:

I smile for no reason and when no one is there to observe it;

I’m busy as hell between FT work, kids, new friends, old friends, my lovely new boyfriend, etc;

I am running in the run for your lives event tomorrow (my second year!);

I’m also trying to figure out how to cut costs and make extra money….. if you have legal ideas, hit me up cause at this point I am thinking commune….;

My fantasy football draft is tonight *fingers crossed*;

My kids are amazing and responsible and I can do things without a babysitter and they don’t throw rocking parties (YESSSSSSSS)…;

My student loans are arranged to start next week and be $39.45 a month for the next 108 years;

I haven’t killed all of my plants;

I have been writing again, a lot… I have no idea where I find the time….

Andddddd I got to see the Silent Comedy do Fleetwood Mac and dance with said boyfriend.

What else could a woman want?

xoxo

Jani

 

 

 

Have you always wanted to run with the wolves? Well, how about ZOMBIES….

Standard
Have you always wanted to run with the wolves? Well, how about ZOMBIES….

Hey I can’t do this and need money. Hook a chica up. Cost $87 through them, $50 through me.

http://portland.craigslist.org/clk/tix/3082331610.html

In the next 10 years, I want to:

Standard
In the next 10 years, I want to:

Do lots of things. Duh.

But specifically, the things I want to do and the places I want to go are as follows….Anyone wanna come with?

  1. Put a down payment on my land and buy atleast 5 of these tumbleweed houses to put in a circle.
  2. Build a labyrinth:                                                                                              
  3. Start my garden.                                                                                      
  4. Buy a couple of these:                                                                              
  5. And these:                                                                                                       
  6. And these:                                                                                                          
  7. And some of those:                                                                                          
  8. And these:                                                                                                          
  9. these:                                                                                                      
  10. these:                                                                                                      
  11. Oh yeah these:                                                                                        
  12. and those:                                                                                                            
  13. Start paying on these and get the rest forgiven magically:                            
  14. Swim here:                                                                                                    
  15. And here:                                                                                                              
  16. And here:                                                                                                              
  17. See this:                                                                                                  
  18. Do this:                                                                                                                
  19. Change this:                                                                                            
  20. Look like this (only different of course):                                                     
  21. Look like this (only different of course):                                                             
  22. Figure out what its like to be an adult without minor children.
  23. Go here:                                                                                                  
  24. Go here:                                                                                                  
  25. Go here:                                                                                                  
  26. Write a book.
  27. Have a gallery show.
  28. Advocate for this:                                                                                      
  29. Do this:                                                                                                            
  30. Possibly move here:                                                                                           
  31. Survive this:                                                                                                
  32. Get this:                                                                                                    

That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

Yeah. I think that is all for now….But I reserve the right to add more. Cheers, interweb friends.

I’m officially “Batshit Crazy.” Thanks DSM-IV.

Standard

So in my studies I get to take a magical DSM-IV class (Mental Health Perspectives …for ethical practice) in order to be a conscientious and ethical service provider. It’s also helpful to learn how to use the damn diagnostic manual. I get it. What I don’t get and what isn’t in the syllabus is that this class is going to turn everyone (OR JUST ME…is that paranoia? Delusions of grandeur? Narcissim? AGGGHHHHH) into raging hypochondriacs, which is defined as:

The DSM-IV defines hypochondriasis according to the following criteria:

A. Preoccupation with fears of having, or the idea that one has, a serious disease based on the person’s misinterpretation of bodily symptoms.
B. The preoccupation persists despite appropriate medical evaluation and reassurance.
C. The belief in Criterion A is not of delusional intensity (as in Delusional Disorder, Somatic Type) and is not restricted to a circumscribed concern about appearance (as in Body Dysmorphic Disorder).
D. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
E. The duration of the disturbance is at least 6 months.
F. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, a Major Depressive Episode, Separation Anxiety, or another Somatoform Disorder.

So I guess as long as my class doesn’t last 6 months, I should be ok. PHEW. Bullet dodged. (bad choice of words?)

But seriously. In order to combat said um, symptoms? I am balancing my education with the following books to convince myself that I am not crazy or that I can at least educate myself healthy, like other doctors (albeit I may believe that this is magical thinking….hmmm….see page….hmmm borderline or schizotypal….

I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes. Books to combat thinking I am crazy:

Antidsmiv

About a doc

Pink Floyd?

My sister’s favorite

Enjoy.

If you don’t want to read, let me surmise:

85% of all ADHD drugs in the world are used in the US.

The highest paid jobs in the Drug company world are not drug developers or researchers. No sir. They are the drug BRANDERS. Yes. The people who come up with clever and inviting names. Because we Americans, we trust drugs that start with X, D, Z and C. And A, if it has to do with allergies. Yep. How cool is that?

Twice as many psychotropic drugs are prescribed to women, yet twice as many men have a psychiatric diagnosis.

Because we all know ALL women are crazy and ALL men are notorious for talking about their feelings and seeking psychiatric help. I’m sure that is the reason for the discrepancy.

“I’m by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I’ve seen it save a lot of people’s lives.”~ Zach Braff

“Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.”~ Ambrose Bierce

“But my mother’s a psychologist, my stepfather’s a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad’s a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know someone on some form of prescription medicine.”~ Zach Braff

Someone help! I need an intervention!

Standard

So I made it over 6 weeks without Facebook. And then, like promised, I went back in the middle of the night to get my poetry and pictures ; the multiverse worked against me.

Actually, Zuckerberg worked against me because you have to leave your account active for 24 hours to get all your notes and pictures available. Effing bastard. So I did. It’s like satellite TV; it hooks you into the premium channels with the first 3 months free. Then you forget to shut them off and just keep paying the bill. Only I haven’t forgotten. Each morning I wake up and I think “Ugh my Facebook is on.”

Seriously. Aren’t there more important things to worry about? Like school starting next Monday? My fear of not being able to handle quarter terms? Social work stuff? Work? Bills? The Cascadia fault? Zombie apocalypse? 2012? AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

I digressed.

Anyhoo….yeah. I seriously feel like a relapsed addict. Charlie Sheen and shtuff. I have people messaging me begging me not to delete. Family members who are so happy I am back on. An apparent fan base who love to hate me and correct my grammar, yet look forward to reading my sarcastic and witty view of the world.

Dang.

I even find myself rationalizing the use of Facebook for this blog, “my poor Twitter can’t carry it all!”

Oh well. I need to go now, the hooker who’s naked and screaming in my closet is starting to annoy me.

Septic and in need of a Master Cleanse? Me too.

Standard

First a poem.

Then a rant.

No digress.

Septic

I want my old skin back,

I’m no longer comfortable under yours.

Open sores need to breathe to heal and I know, I know,

I can’t always be the band-aid,

infections they feed this sickness between us;

It’s been allowed to fester into a boil.

I drew my sword and lanced it

now it’s become septic in unsterilized soil.

Too much attention given at the wrong stage.

An ulcer allowed to develop into pointless rage

Who knows what could have been.

Is this leper’s piece yours or mine?

A necessary quarantine and emotional quinine

A couple of courses, we should both be fine.

Master Cleanse:

Tomorrow the hubby and I are starting a “Master Cleanse.” For those of you shut-ins that are truly shut-in or haven’t subscribed to Gwyneth Paltrow’s www.goop.com, for informative and entertainment reasons here is the breakdown:

Basically, for approximately 3-30 days you starve yourself under the guise of a detox which includes laxative teas, “lemonade” made of fresh lemon juice, pure water, cayenne pepper (seriously) and real maple syrup. Occasionally, you drink some nice sea salt water too. In the meantime, your body “cleanses” itself, and is allowed to do more important things like flushing your liver and junk instead of digesting all the CRAP we non-agrarian/non-hunting lazy ass americans eat. Granted, my family doesn’t eat bad, comparatively speaking, but compared to neolithic man, we are ridiculously suicidal with our habits. So some things I have read praise sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus for the Master Cleanse. Others say it is the most horrible thing ever. Hallucinogenic in a bad way I have even read. We shall see. No coffee or caffeine? Oh my dear lord. I am pretty good at going without eating for days, which is totally healthy I know. But it’s effective…..Meh just kidding. Kinda….

I digressed. Oops.

Anyway, The goal is 10 days, I am hoping to make it to 7. I may not be able to do it and go to school which is why I am adding the caveat of 7….Husband is hoping to kick nicotine as a result of it, before everyone in our family adopts a much different eating style…MUAHAHAHH i win suckas…..:P

I shall update you as we go, and if you all don’t mind, if my posts get more crazy than normal…help a girl out. Give a heads up that I need to eat something cause I have gone bat shit crazy. Thanks *kisses*

And so it begins, the end is near? 2012 and junk…

Standard

So I was thinking about the hoopla surrounding 2012 and all the varying thoughts/theories on it. Is it the end? Is it a shift in consciousness? Zombie Apocalypse? Are the aliens coming? Did I really fail to get recruited by the Illuminati in time? Were the Mayans just bored and decided to stop? Are the Reptilians coming? Is the 12th planet coming into our scope? Phone home Nibiru? Is the rapture coming? Is it a metaphorical end? Is it when Walter comes to know Walternate? Is Alex Jones right? Is Tom Cruise right? Was Zecharia Sitchin right? Will the election trigger the end? Will there be mail service in the FEMA camps? Is the NWO using the 2012 hype as a mass distraction put their own evil agendas into action? I don’t know. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH these are the thoughts that consume my brain power when I am not in school with required reading! And you wonder why I frequently am an insomniac…..

Anyone who knows me knows I am a little bit of a conspiracy theorist and suspects I wear an aluminum foil hat (when anyone who knows anything knows that you have to use TIN foil, duh). What I do know is that the first time I heard anything about the 12-21-2012 date was when I was pregnant with my son, 15 years ago. My best friend and her husband, Brian, were living with us and we spoke about it at length several times. I am not sure where he had even heard of it but since he was originally from California, I probably just assumed that being as sophisticated and worldly as being Californian makes you that everyone there knew. Ha. How naive I was, in all of my pregnant 16-year-old glory…

I digress.

Regardless, December 21, 2012 seemed like a science fiction date then. “In the year 2012….” cue the action movie score…..Now it is here and I am not sure what to think. I have made preparations for at least 6 scenarios; another 3 I have decided require no action on my part. Given my geographic location, those scenarios pretty much guarantee my imminent death. I have made peace with that.

In the event that life doesn’t change, my 2nd anniversary goes on without a hitch and my student loans remain a blemish on my soul, I wish you a premature Happy Solstice!

What are your plans for 2012? Life as usual?

Of course it starts in Garland, Texas!

Standard

Season’s Eatings!

Christmas and the whole Christian story of the resurrection always makes me think of zombies. I read a lot about how to survive a zombie apocalypse….I found it highly suspect that the movie “Zombieland” began in Garland, Texas….The town where some of my deepest seated fears began. We moved there when I was really little and only lived there for approximately a year,  maybe a year and a half but in that time I was:

  • Electrocuted by crawling under my aunt’s bar and sticking keys into an electrical outlet;
  • Attacked by red ants;
  • Subsequently traumatized by being held down in an ice bath;
  • Told large black people were gorillas after going to the Dallas zoo and being shown the scary gorillas, when we lived in an apartment complex that I believe had 2 other white families besides us (oh yes, thanks passive aggressively racist family, you were my first lesson in needless hate) Pursuant to a family member’s WRONG assumption that this particular anecdote was about them; I would like to strike the above example to save face for them;
  • Pushed down the stairs by my parent’s friend’s daughter wherein I cracked my head open on the rock pad at the bottom;
  • Bitten so hard on the stomach by that girl’s brother that 30 years later I still have the teeth scars;
  • Was consistently put through windows to unlock the doors at people’s houses, including my own (did no one have keys???);
  • Watched “ET”, “Star Wars VI”, “Peter Pan” and “The Wizard of Oz” , truly it is surprising I have never been treated for some sort of neurosis….
  • Had my hair which was tied with some crazy fluffy cotton gauzy ribbon stuff get caught in a box fan;
  • Had my hamster escape and get into my bed, and my mother’s who has a preternatural fear of rodents, on separate nights;
  • Was threatened not to get out of bed in the dark because of “apartment bugs” which bit….turned on the light once to see the biggest roaches ever scatter….I didn’t know what they were until many years later, but i guarantee I never got out of bed after that….;
  • Was told (mind you I was 2-3 years old) about the lady of the lake and the copperhead snakes that were in the water and would kill me where we went swimming;
  • Went to the set of the tv show “Dallas” and was scared sh*tless by the HUGE buffalo there.

This is just off the top of my head. What the hell were my parents doing? Where were they? GEES.

Wow, what got me started on that? Oh yeah. Zombieland at Garland, Texas.

I digress(ed).

So. I think in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would first seek out the mormon apocalypse pantries to set myself up with food. Hopefully, I would also have amassed enough guns and ammo to outlast the zombie’s starving, but I am not sure how I would fortify my home….I’m thinking that Will Smith in “I am Legend” had the bomb ass set up. Short of that, I don’t think life would be worth living. I may just sacrifice myself. I pray that when the human created (or nature created, for that matter) virus comes and starts turning us into zombies, it will be kind enough to create photophobic zombies and destroy the use of run on sentences.

How will you survive?

Will you sacrifice yourself?

Give up?

Or fight?

Praise the walking dead. Merry Christmas. Hallelujah.