Category Archives: school

The American Public Education Factory: what is it producing?….Volume 1

Standard
The American Public Education Factory: what is it producing?….Volume 1

I have been really trying to get some sort of an outline in my head about this topic for a while; I have decided to just start blogging it as it comes because every time I think I have it concretely fleshed out in my head, some new thought comes in about the social injustices associated with public school systems. From epistemology to NCLB, to “common core” to booster clubs, regurgitation vs. creative thought AKA actually thinking, ingenuity to different types of intelligence, to the perpetuation of rape culture and #Iammorethanadistraction, ugh the list can go on.

I am going to start with socioeconomic inequality in schools. Studies have shown that the more engaged in school a child is, the better they do. It isn’t rocket surgery. If a child is involved in sports, music, drama, whatever their choice of extracurricular activities are, the busier they are (no time for other naughtiness), the more invested they are in better grades, the more involved their parents might be in their world, “the more” everything. Things like teamwork, hard work, friendship, conflict negotiation, community, working for success AFTER failure, etc. are learned without the child knowing that they are learning it. But when these things are made to be so expensive that only the middle class and up can participate, well then, now we have yet another layer of oppression adding to the intersectionality of what it is to be a middle or high school student.

To over-share with a little self disclosure, I make what I assume to be a pretty “comfortable” wage, although it is definitely not the magical salary I was led to believe a masters degree would grant me. I make a little more than 50% of the “average median income” in America this year. I believe this probably makes me considered “middle class” but just barely. We still qualify for free lunch, thank sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus, but it is not easy. I am still living paycheck to paycheck. I have come to terms most days with living one paycheck away from homelessness, mostly because as a housing case manager, I know what resources are available in the area.

I digress.

Anyhow, my point was that my child is involved in the school sponsored dance team, the fine arts credit required orchestra, and the foreign language credit required Spanish. We receive a discounted “activity fee” for the “sport” but the uniforms ($135 to start, with additional costumes throughout the year), “required contribution to the booster club” of $100 (which my child/myself get to harass friends, co-workers, family, and social media with in order to raise by selling coupon books or car wash tickets, not to mention the $1,200 dollar “Spring Break trip to Disney World” that all the “rich kids” get to go to, but sadly, probably not my child. This causes lateral oppression within the team of the haves vs the have nots; because the kids KNOW who will be able to go and who will not from the beginning. It is not fair. And yes, I know, “Life isn’t fair, Princess.” One+ more kiddo(s) financed OUT.

But come on! What is the booster club for anyway? Isn’t it there to support the kids who WANT to participate and work their asses off to participate? The answer sadly is, “No.” It is there to make up the difference between public support/donations from the school’s budget for sports. That is a shame. But go ahead, buy some more computers. Make the teachers learn a different way to teach because they aren’t churning out productive enough regurgitaters at the rate the country wants. That is a much better use of funds……And tell me again why kids here are obese and live online?

Ah, speaking of obesity….the school lunch. It is not what it could be. I recently read about France’s model and how lovely it is. What a pipe dream for good ol’ Merikah. Instead we have corporate sponsors, such as Subway and energy drinks in the schools. Which always look better than god knows what is really in the instant processed mashed potatoes and goo.

Spanish class requires fees. For what? I have no freaking clue. Is there a lab associated with Spanish? One+ more kiddo(s) financed OUT.

Orchestra requires not only a $100 fee per year to “pay for music” but also a rental of an instrument if you cannot afford to buy one. The schools do not even loan instruments anymore. How many kids love music but cannot participate in band or orchestra because of the cost?  I was told that because the school was making photo copies of music for the students they were fined $4000. Isn’t there some sort of fair use for schools to use copyrighted music?

“Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 17 U.S.C. § 106 and 17 U.S.C. § 106A, the fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. In determining whether the use made of a work in any particular case is a fair use the factors to be considered shall include:
  1. the purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes;
  2. the nature of the copyrighted work;
  3. the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole; and
  4. the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work.”

Yeah, I thought so.

So tell me again why I have to pay for music for my child to continue playing in the school orchestra? And why must they also have “orchestral uniforms” which include for the gender binary, long black dresses for the females, penguin suits for the males. Could we not just wear black pants and shirts or skirts? We must buy these clothes for a high school class? Good grief. One+ more kiddo(s) financed OUT.

Did I mention all these fees are due either at registration or during the first MONTH of school (save the spring break trip, luckily “they understand what a hardship it might be for some families so they give them until late winter to confirm these amounts.” Cause between you and me, as a single FT working parent that gets minimal child support, registration, extras, school supplies, school fees, school clothes, and anything else needed at the end of summer/beginning of Fall, is freaking HARD to figure out.

These examples and many others show it is unaffordable for many if not most kids to participate in the activities that studies show teach resilience and community. It is unreasonably expensive for ALL kids to get the protective effects of participation in these activities. So they must find other outlets and no one seems to like those outcomes, and yet…..

I contacted the school to find out what options are available as a low income parent. You know, because despite being on whatever magical list they keep us free lunch families on, they do not send home any information on these sorts of options. There are some “scholarships” available the first week of October, I was told. But it doesn’t cover everything. It’s a first come, first serve sort of deal where a committee decides who gets it. Based on what? I don’t know. But you better believe it is not a blind decision. Someone is making judgments either internally or perhaps even out loud. I imagine fucked up words like “deserve” and “worth” and “investment” are tossed around in that conversation.

So back to the original point and not my own personal struggle…The socioeconomic injustices of a public school system…. You want a college scholarship? You want to take classes you might *GASP* be interested in? You want to do sports? Music? Drama? Prepare to pay my friend cause this is college. Public High School.

If your parents can’t afford it, screw you.

If your parents feel shame asking for help, screw you.

If your parents don’t speak English as a first language and aren’t sure how to advocate for you/your family, screw you.

If your parents are too busy because they work 8,327,498,374 hours a week and don’t have the time to contact the school, screw you.

If your parents have nothing but time because they are unemployed, depressed, worried, stressed, whatever, screw you.

Welcome to Public High School.

To be continued.

And….here….we….go!

Standard
And….here….we….go!

I had my first supervision with my new supervisor today and I would just like to say upfront that I am pretty effing stoked about this new placement. Not only do I get to do community based social work that is essentially training me for my dream job, but I also get to do a lot of clinical work that I was afraid I would not be able to do because of the stupid track system at my grad school. We have to pick direct service, administrative or community based as our focus final year; I chose community based because of the future jobs that I want and my lack of professional experience in that venue. I had been pretty disappointed in that choice for the first few months of this year but now that I have this magical hybrid placement; I am pretty stoked. I feel good about my job prospects. I may not even have to move.

Moving is something that I feel like I should do, it’s my natural tendency to retreat back to my homey home when I am hurting and needing to regroup. However, that pattern never seems to work for me. I am not sure yet. The networking and opportunities here may outweigh the perceived benefits of running away home, Jack.

I digressed. Oh well.

I shall continue to digress in saying the following: the next few months are going to be different for me emotionally, financially, etc. My relationship is in transition (to what I am not sure), my sex life will be in remission, my formal education is ending, my $2,837,402,384,702,384,720,384 in student loans will be coming out of deferment,  my 2nd professional life will be beginning, and both of my kids will officially be teenagers in 3 months.

So you may read some vague posts here and there.

You may read some cryptic, sad, manic, or even downright dirty poetry.

You may feel that I am yelling at YOU specifically; but I won’t be.

I am just going to therapize myself through this blog and lucky you! You get to come for the ride.

You may want to take some Dramamine.

No really. I mean that.

XOXO

Oh, the places you will go!~Dr. Seuss

Standard
Oh, the places you will go!~Dr. Seuss

So I went to the placement fair to try and figure out some of the potential places for my clinical practicum…I narrowed it down to 6 places and they all make my heart glow:

Check them out:

Mission: To prevent HIV infections, support and empower people affected and infected by HIV/AIDS, and eliminate HIV/AIDS-related stigma.

http://cascadeaids.org/

Mission:

Our mission is to help homeless youth and other marginalized people move towards improved health and self-sufficiency. We are…

  • Service providers and advocates.
  • Experts in understanding adolescents.
  • A Federally Qualified Health Center.
  • A licensed Mental Health Agency.
  • Leaders in serving GLBTQ youth.

We believe…

  • In dignity, hope, and resiliency.
  • In innovation.
  • Our clients can get through current challenges.
  • Young people need trusting adults to thrive.
  • In meeting people where they are.
  • In a strengths-based approach.

http://www.outsidein.org/

Mission: The Bradley Angle mission is to offer survivors of domestic and sexual violence options for safety, empowerment, healing and hope, while collaborating with our communities to create social change.

As we work to bring an end to domestic violence, Bradley Angle embraces the following values:

  • We empower individuals and communities to take action and eliminate domestic violence from their lives.
  • We are committed to demystifying domestic violence and to giving voice to those touched by it.
  • We offer a safe, non-judgmental and welcoming environment for all domestic violence survivors, offering individualized services that meet a wide range of cultural and personal needs.
  • We believe all people, regardless of race, age, gender identity, background, sexual orientation or religion, deserve to live in a world where physical, emotional, and sexual abuse are not tolerated.

http://bradleyangle.org/

Mission: The mission of NARA, NW is to provide education, physical and mental health services and substance abuse treatment that is culturally appropriate to American Indians, Alaska Natives and other vulnerable populations.

http://www.naranorthwest.org/

Mission: In partnership with the communities we serve, the Health Department assures, promotes and protects the health of the people of Multnomah County.

  • We believe that health is a “state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being, not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.” (World Health Organization, 1978)
  • We honor the diversity of the individuals and communities we serve and value their differing approaches to health and well-being.
  • We believe in partnerships to improve the health of our communities.
  • We believe the department’s actions should assist our communities in addressing underlying factors that affect good health.
  • We value effective leadership as a fundamental tool to improve the health of our communities.
  • We believe in being responsible stewards of the public trust and resources.
  • We value a diverse staff and believe our staff should be selected with care, treated with respect, held accountable for their performance and encouraged in their personal growth.
  • We believe in continuously improving the quality of our work.
  • We believe in balancing scientific knowledge and practical experience with the wisdom and beliefs of those we serve to improve the health of our communities.
  • We emphasize prevention, health promotion and early intervention.

http://web.multco.us/health

Mission: Honor America’s veterans by providing exceptional health care that improves their health and well-being.

http://www.portland.va.gov/vancouver.asp

I love that some places are beginning to transition and recognize different populations than they have traditionally, i.e. domestic violence shelters are beginning to recognize, anticipate and serve men and LGBTQ2S populations.

I am so excited to be able to do this part of my education out of Idaho.

No news yet on whether the VA will have any LGBTQ2S services but eventually they have to. I hope 🙂

So that’s what I am….an INFJ…a Bibliovore….Hmmmm

Standard
So that’s what I am….an INFJ…a Bibliovore….Hmmmm

So the hubby had to take a personality test for school and in a nutshell, his personality parallel was Eeyore:

Which is funny for two reasons 1) because I USED to be described as thus. “Don’t pay any attention to me, nobody ever does…” and 2) because I would have described him as Tigger….Methinks he doth put on a  show for the world….

I digress.

I wondered what character I would be….So I took the test and lo and behold; I didn’t get a cartoon character. I got Nicole Kidman. WTF does that mean? I like short guys? Anywhoo….I did find it interesting that the careers it provided for me were mostly things I enjoy and have done or am going to school to become, with the exception of librarian. But anyone who knows me knows I have a library and consume books voraciously like a “bibliovore”(I should trademark that). If you are interested in giving it a shot for the hell of it, here is the link:

Who are you?

75%

Logical-Mathematical

63%

Visual-Spatial

58%

Intrapersonal

44%

Interpersonal

88%

Musical

44%

Bodily-Kinesthetic

42%

Naturalistic

33%

Your Type is
INFJ

Introverted

Intuitive

Feeling

Judging

Strength of the preferences %

11

12

50

11

INFJ type description by D.Keirsey
INFJ Identify Your Career with Jung Career Indicator™      INFJ Famous Personalities 
INFJ type description by J. Butt and M.M. Heiss

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:

  • slightly expressed introvert
  • slightly expressed intuitive personality
  • moderately expressed feeling personality
  • slightly expressed judging personality
  • Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.
  • Counselors are scarce, little more than three percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.
  • Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people’s feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.
  • Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another’s emotions or intentions – good or evil – even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others’ feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor’s remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

YOUR TYPE

I

N

F

J

Strength of the preferences %

11

12

50

11

Jung Career Indicator™ determines careers most suitable for your type from personality type standpoint. Based on your personality type, the following is a list of your most suitable occupations along with some examples of educational institutions, where you can receive a relevant degree or training. Please click institution name for more information. Invite your friends to discover most suitable for them careers.

Career

Educational Institutions

click   Social Service   for more schools

Social Work
Education        
Librarian
Law  

click   Health Care   for more schools

Early Childhood Education   
Psychology/Psychotherapist
Counseling  

click   Arts / Humanities   for more schools

Design  
Science  

Famous people of your particular type

John Bradshaw, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, John Calvin, Nicole Kidman

I’m officially “Batshit Crazy.” Thanks DSM-IV.

Standard

So in my studies I get to take a magical DSM-IV class (Mental Health Perspectives …for ethical practice) in order to be a conscientious and ethical service provider. It’s also helpful to learn how to use the damn diagnostic manual. I get it. What I don’t get and what isn’t in the syllabus is that this class is going to turn everyone (OR JUST ME…is that paranoia? Delusions of grandeur? Narcissim? AGGGHHHHH) into raging hypochondriacs, which is defined as:

The DSM-IV defines hypochondriasis according to the following criteria:

A. Preoccupation with fears of having, or the idea that one has, a serious disease based on the person’s misinterpretation of bodily symptoms.
B. The preoccupation persists despite appropriate medical evaluation and reassurance.
C. The belief in Criterion A is not of delusional intensity (as in Delusional Disorder, Somatic Type) and is not restricted to a circumscribed concern about appearance (as in Body Dysmorphic Disorder).
D. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
E. The duration of the disturbance is at least 6 months.
F. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, a Major Depressive Episode, Separation Anxiety, or another Somatoform Disorder.

So I guess as long as my class doesn’t last 6 months, I should be ok. PHEW. Bullet dodged. (bad choice of words?)

But seriously. In order to combat said um, symptoms? I am balancing my education with the following books to convince myself that I am not crazy or that I can at least educate myself healthy, like other doctors (albeit I may believe that this is magical thinking….hmmm….see page….hmmm borderline or schizotypal….

I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes. Books to combat thinking I am crazy:

Antidsmiv

About a doc

Pink Floyd?

My sister’s favorite

Enjoy.

If you don’t want to read, let me surmise:

85% of all ADHD drugs in the world are used in the US.

The highest paid jobs in the Drug company world are not drug developers or researchers. No sir. They are the drug BRANDERS. Yes. The people who come up with clever and inviting names. Because we Americans, we trust drugs that start with X, D, Z and C. And A, if it has to do with allergies. Yep. How cool is that?

Twice as many psychotropic drugs are prescribed to women, yet twice as many men have a psychiatric diagnosis.

Because we all know ALL women are crazy and ALL men are notorious for talking about their feelings and seeking psychiatric help. I’m sure that is the reason for the discrepancy.

“I’m by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I’ve seen it save a lot of people’s lives.”~ Zach Braff

“Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.”~ Ambrose Bierce

“But my mother’s a psychologist, my stepfather’s a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad’s a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know someone on some form of prescription medicine.”~ Zach Braff

Public Safety and the college life

Standard

So the university that I go to has approximately 50 buildings including parking structures. I have received 3 emails from Campus safety in the last 3 weeks describing basic safety techniques and procedures because of the sexual assaults and other assaults they have had in 2 buildings. For example:

This email is to advise you that the *** Campus Public Safety Office is investigating an assault that occurred on Thursday, January 12, 2012 at approximately 8:30pm on the sidewalk near *******. The Campus Public Safety Office became aware of this report via an email that was received on Friday, Jan 13, 2012 at 10:00pm. The victim reported that she was grabbed by the arm and wrist and was able to break free after striking the suspect. During this brief encounter the victim was unable to provide a description of the suspect.
As a reminder, please be vigilant and aware of your surroundings on and off campus and call 911 or the Campus Public Safety Office at ******* if you observe suspicious behavior or if you have any concerns about your personal safety. Additional information and updates about this incident will be available on the *** Campus Public Safety website ***********.
Support services from the Women’s Resource Center and Student Health and Counseling Services are available for anyone impacted by violence. If you have any nonemergency 
concerns regarding safety issues at ******, please contact the Campus Public Safety Office at *********.

Which two buildings did these incidents happen in you say?

The two buildings I attend class in at night. Rock out with your c**k out.

YES!

I love school.

I love riding public transportation.

I am becoming less liberal everyday.

That is all.

Septic and in need of a Master Cleanse? Me too.

Standard

First a poem.

Then a rant.

No digress.

Septic

I want my old skin back,

I’m no longer comfortable under yours.

Open sores need to breathe to heal and I know, I know,

I can’t always be the band-aid,

infections they feed this sickness between us;

It’s been allowed to fester into a boil.

I drew my sword and lanced it

now it’s become septic in unsterilized soil.

Too much attention given at the wrong stage.

An ulcer allowed to develop into pointless rage

Who knows what could have been.

Is this leper’s piece yours or mine?

A necessary quarantine and emotional quinine

A couple of courses, we should both be fine.

Master Cleanse:

Tomorrow the hubby and I are starting a “Master Cleanse.” For those of you shut-ins that are truly shut-in or haven’t subscribed to Gwyneth Paltrow’s www.goop.com, for informative and entertainment reasons here is the breakdown:

Basically, for approximately 3-30 days you starve yourself under the guise of a detox which includes laxative teas, “lemonade” made of fresh lemon juice, pure water, cayenne pepper (seriously) and real maple syrup. Occasionally, you drink some nice sea salt water too. In the meantime, your body “cleanses” itself, and is allowed to do more important things like flushing your liver and junk instead of digesting all the CRAP we non-agrarian/non-hunting lazy ass americans eat. Granted, my family doesn’t eat bad, comparatively speaking, but compared to neolithic man, we are ridiculously suicidal with our habits. So some things I have read praise sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus for the Master Cleanse. Others say it is the most horrible thing ever. Hallucinogenic in a bad way I have even read. We shall see. No coffee or caffeine? Oh my dear lord. I am pretty good at going without eating for days, which is totally healthy I know. But it’s effective…..Meh just kidding. Kinda….

I digressed. Oops.

Anyway, The goal is 10 days, I am hoping to make it to 7. I may not be able to do it and go to school which is why I am adding the caveat of 7….Husband is hoping to kick nicotine as a result of it, before everyone in our family adopts a much different eating style…MUAHAHAHH i win suckas…..:P

I shall update you as we go, and if you all don’t mind, if my posts get more crazy than normal…help a girl out. Give a heads up that I need to eat something cause I have gone bat shit crazy. Thanks *kisses*

Flashback poem of the week: I want my bra back; unburned

Standard

I no longer want the pressure of a man’s world

Of working a job that I hate

Mindlessly toiling on a hamster wheel

Because the money is so good

And the benefits are great

I no longer want the expectation of my father

To do all the things I didn’t let him

Going to school to avoid the loans

Because even with my degrees

I can’t get a better job to pay them

I no longer want this independence

Of being an unmarried working student mom

Never having a thoughtless moment

Because something must always be done

I’m a neurotic ticking time bomb

I no longer want Judy Syfers’ Wife

To experience the life of a man’s man

I want my bra back; unburned

Because I want to stay home, domestic

Experience this so called “better than.”

© Jani Belcoe 2009

And so it begins, the end is near? 2012 and junk…

Standard

So I was thinking about the hoopla surrounding 2012 and all the varying thoughts/theories on it. Is it the end? Is it a shift in consciousness? Zombie Apocalypse? Are the aliens coming? Did I really fail to get recruited by the Illuminati in time? Were the Mayans just bored and decided to stop? Are the Reptilians coming? Is the 12th planet coming into our scope? Phone home Nibiru? Is the rapture coming? Is it a metaphorical end? Is it when Walter comes to know Walternate? Is Alex Jones right? Is Tom Cruise right? Was Zecharia Sitchin right? Will the election trigger the end? Will there be mail service in the FEMA camps? Is the NWO using the 2012 hype as a mass distraction put their own evil agendas into action? I don’t know. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH these are the thoughts that consume my brain power when I am not in school with required reading! And you wonder why I frequently am an insomniac…..

Anyone who knows me knows I am a little bit of a conspiracy theorist and suspects I wear an aluminum foil hat (when anyone who knows anything knows that you have to use TIN foil, duh). What I do know is that the first time I heard anything about the 12-21-2012 date was when I was pregnant with my son, 15 years ago. My best friend and her husband, Brian, were living with us and we spoke about it at length several times. I am not sure where he had even heard of it but since he was originally from California, I probably just assumed that being as sophisticated and worldly as being Californian makes you that everyone there knew. Ha. How naive I was, in all of my pregnant 16-year-old glory…

I digress.

Regardless, December 21, 2012 seemed like a science fiction date then. “In the year 2012….” cue the action movie score…..Now it is here and I am not sure what to think. I have made preparations for at least 6 scenarios; another 3 I have decided require no action on my part. Given my geographic location, those scenarios pretty much guarantee my imminent death. I have made peace with that.

In the event that life doesn’t change, my 2nd anniversary goes on without a hitch and my student loans remain a blemish on my soul, I wish you a premature Happy Solstice!

What are your plans for 2012? Life as usual?

Student loans: A love/hate relationship

Standard

While I love the fact that student loans allow me to comfortably continue my education, I hate the fact that they aren’t as easy to maintain as they would like you to believe. Everyone says that as long as you keep them abreast of what’s going on in your life, you know personal, emotional, physical, educational, familial (as in cousin’s sister’s mother’s brother’s wife’s second cousin’s uncle’s mother’s maiden name), sexual, etc. everything is ALL GOOD.

Not true!

MAY 2011:

When I withdrew from one Master of Social Work program in one state to attend another in a different state, I called the National Student Loan Database 800 number of God. Mind you this call was made 7.5 MONTHS BEFORE MY LOANS CAME OUT OF DEFERMENT. I said something to the effect of “Hey! This is whats going on! I am going from a semester program to a quarter term program and to line up my classes with theirs I have to wait until Winter term because they are taking classes I have already taken this fall. Ergo, I will be a month outside of my grace period before I start school again. I’m letting you know now so that I can get the deferment extended or something, whatever it is you Almighty Student Loan Gods can do.”

To which I was told, “um yeah like there is nothing we can do until the month your loans come out of deferment so like call us in November. But yeah I will totally note your account so when you get your new address get it to us cause its like totally bad for you to move and not tell us. blah blah something else that is useless”

Uh, yeah, dumbasses. Like I am going to call to tell you this but try to screw you on where to send my statements.  I am not done with school. I need you to like me for now. F**K

I digress.

NOVEMBER 2011:

I, doing my due diligence, call them up. In fact, I called every single one of my individual lenders and explained it to them. They all seemed to understand and said that they would push it back until after the “census date” at my new school but that I needed to also call the National Student Loan blah blah blah and sacrifice a goat in the full moon and spread the blood all over my undergrad degrees to satiate them so that my magical forbearance would go through and mail/email/fax them proof of said ritual. Done. 3x. Literally.

Fast forward a month:

DECEMBER 2011:

I get an email that says you owe $75239785629374650345645.14 on January 7th, 2012.

This is me:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/12844/home-alone-after-shave

So I call them and very calmly explain that I am trying very hard to remain calm as a Hindu f**king cow but that if they do not help me when I have been on top of this and doing EVERYTHING they have asked almost a year ahead of time, jumping through every flaming and increasingly smaller hoop they have placed before me, that I am going to freak the FUCKKKKKKK out.

The ESL customer service clerk/hoop holder I spoke to immediately transferred me to a supervisor. Ha.

Said supervisor said no problem! I see what you are saying, HOWEVER, we never received the proof of sacrifice you made last month AKA inschool deferment form. *mind you I sent this form in triplicate*

So I say ok, send me another! She does and I fill print it out, sign it, scan it and the required proofs, faxing it to them and to my school so my advisor (who I was told needed to sign it since it is going to be arranged before the census date). Bullet dodged.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday, I get an email from my advisor saying she is not allowed to sign them, that she forwarded it to the appropriate parties to sign it and fax it to Texas. (of course, it ends in Texas. FML) So i am like ok, no biggie, sweet deal.

Then today I get an email, saying that my forbearance was denied on 2 of my 3723789465934 loans (cause they have all been sold to various lenders thank you Sallie Mae you whore) payment in the amount of $39475028450 is still due January 7th, 2012 and if I miss that payment I will not receive my Spring term payments and they will tell the credit agencies and I will not pass go, not collect $200 and will not get into Heaven. I figure “oh, they are just missing each other in the mail or the system, whateva…..”

Then about 5 hours ago I get a phone call from the school official that is supposed to be signing my form and faxing it to Texas. He says that by CONTRACT with the National Student Loan Clearance House he is not allowed to sign said form and that I will just have to make a payment before the census date makes me deferred again.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I am not even censoring myself at this point in my head I am calling him everything but a brave human man.

In real life I say “ok. Thank you for your help.”

I hang up phone and die inside.

Then I call the Almighty 800 number, pull my bitch card and cry to the student loan people. Literally, like the 16 year old girl who just got pulled over for the first time; only I really meant it. BAWAWHAHWHAHHWHHAHHWHHAHHW sob sob. This person is helpful, says she was in a similar situation and IMMEDIATELY approves me for a forbearance until 3-1-2012. (allegedly) I hang up, hope she pushes the right button on the computer cause I am positive that is all it takes and I make peace with the knowledge that I have literally done ALL THAT I CAN.

I decided it’s the f**king I get for the f**king I got, and went on with my day, then the guy from the school who couldn’t sign my form calls back. Says he talked to a few people and because of my grades and harassment and that I am registered for so many classes (uh, only full time for a grad student…) that he is going to go ahead and do it this one time so that I can continue my “new start” at their school.

Yay.

Hopefully it is all good now.

I doubt it.

Can I get a collective F**K student loans now? gees.

Praise  sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus.