When all is theater,
There’s no guaranteed script;
Only certain is “the end”.
“Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”…
Always seemed like a terrible premise,
I wish I could erase it
as much as I never
ever want to forget.
As soon as I decide my memory is wrong,
it wasn’t what I thought.
I’m only remembering positive things.
I come across something proving I wasn’t.
It was real.
It is real.
It was possible for me.
Dwelling in the past.
Praying for a redo.
Scaling all against it.
How can an experience fix you
Yet break you
all at the same time?
I wish I could hate you.
Instead I hate me.
And it’s only now, that I get it.
Naivety and overconfidence. What a combo.
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.
~ William Wordsworth
And I performed all the rituals;
To excise you from my being:
I said the words, I sang the songs,
I burned the poppets, offerings, and herbs.
The vernal equinox brought forlorn surrender
With all my naked tears,
thrown at the ocean.
Midsummer brought quiet understanding
Still the skyclad blood dance was all for naught.
Acceptance turned to woken realization,
The exorcism had not uncleaved…
My self imposed division.
The queen of cups,
The knight of swords,
Time brought on the autumnal passing.
Themes of knowledge and woe,
Of things that cannot be unsaid, unknown.
Samhain a solemn reminder,
Of the work remaining to be done.
The full moon purge,
The blessings be,
The earth is coming full circle.
Rain can bring things back to life…
Rain can also drown them.
All power is an illusion…
Yet energy exchanged freely is tangible.
“Love” can be an adverb, a noun, a verb;
it’s really just like “Fuck.”
Hope can be a welcome gift…
She can and will, also fool you.
One commits to seeing it through,
the other remains righteously based in fear.
A secret can encourage alliances,
concurrently it feeds into concern.
Sunshine is what allows all life,
but the sun can cause also cancer.
Chemo is a curative,
while simultaneously it poisons the body.
Intimacy is not to be forsaken,
dismissed for the idea of “What if..”
Regret can turn to reflection…
Reflection can change your reality.
Emotion influences logic,
logic without emotion is cold.
Opening Pandora’s box gave knowledge and insight,
wisdom not always appreciated.
Patience is a virtue,
but one that can quickly grow sour.
Bitter on the tongue of the confused,
waiting to be swallowed hard by the word…
By an odd coincidence, this week your tattoo is getting covered up;
Under the ocean it will be.
Reflectively, my time with you was the happiest
I’d been until now, a true peace I have found, it
Eluded you I guess.
Dreamed you hadn’t died, that you were in a caved in hole but watched you climb out on the news…
That reverie, I like to think it was you coming out of your darkest place, crawling toward the light.
Honestly, I learned so much from you, practical and emotional you taught me many things.
Echoes of his six word story come to me late at night
“Bullies are just very sad people…”
Understanding of you came later,
Life and love are funny that way.
Looking back, my own ignorance was bliss…
Even the most negative memories somehow benefit from it;
The lens filter of time.
*I doubt they will play this for you, but I know you always wanted it at your service so I will post it for you here.
Love and Light.
Oh, Valentine’s. What a strange holiday. I decided to send one of my loves a video on the Facebook “kiss with a fist” because of the potential interpretations and started pondering potential interpretations…Is that song promoting domestic violence? Is it a secret lady love song? Hmmm. I digress.
My original purpose for finally posting after a being a fairly negligent blogger was to share some insight for my impending
doom er, birthday. I am officially going to be in my mid-thirties rather than my early thirties….I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been; the realization of that has been enormous. No longer do I truly wish to be the size 4 of my youth, I am ok with what I look like and the size I am…Not to say I do not wish to be more svelte and healthy but I do not feel unlovable because I do not have a BMI of 20. I am more able to acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses without feeling too terribly defensive of either; unconditional love of self is amazing. Having someone do that for you to mirror is a gift.
I am growing more comfortable with the place that I live. Although I still have the inherent panic of “in case of zombie apocalypse where the f**k will I go and what if they blow the bridges and what if the Cascadia Fault goes, etc. etc etc.” HOWEVER, it is much more manageable. I worry less and drink more. It’s a thing and I am OK with it.
I could go on and on about what I have learned just in the last year, but I will leave you with a mere ten vague thoughts, as is customary for me. Cheers.
- Do something different and uncomfortable and scary. It could turn out to be the best choice you ever make. Or it could be the worst…Either way, it’s an adventure.
- Never stop trying.
- Always apologize and sincerely, screw pride. No one is right, perspectives are just different.
- Glasses are great and all, but sometimes we all look a little better in soft focus.
- Drink more water.
- Drink more wine.
- Eat more chocolate.
- Have more sex.
- Always say goodnight.
- Just because A, B, C, D, and E did _________, does not mean F will.
That is all my loves. Off to get some birthday ink set up.