Anyone who has ever been out gambling with me at a casino knows that if I do anything but play penny/nickel slots, I become quite nauseated. Regardless of how much money I have to blow, I always spend my time thinking of what I SHOULD be spending that measly 10 dollars on.
In my personal life, I find that it appears that I gamble a lot. I try to always be willing to put my money where my mouth is and am willing to lose big for the potential payout. It bites me in the ass at times (ok more often than not), but it has always worked out eventually… Even if that payout is only that I have the ability to keep playing.
Right now in my world, I am slightly gun-shy and have the potential to win big and I am fu*king scared as shit. And it is a safe bet! Comparatively speaking. I’m looking down the barrel of a more sure thing than I can remember ever experiencing…
So what is the fear from?
Is it the fear of potential loss?
Is it the fear of trusting in myself?
Is it the fear of trusting someone else?
Is it the fear of a blow to my ego if I am wrong again?
Or is it the fear of being successful?
I am not sure.
My eyes are open but I am jumping off this cliff.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~ John Lennon
123 Main St.
Somewhere, WA 12345
September 18, 2013
It has come to my attention that while I have jumped through all of your stupid damn hoops from birth through today, apparently I am still missing something… I understand adversity develops character; yet it also breeds contempt. I’ve done all the things I am “supposed” to do (married baby daddy, divorced baby daddy when he done me wrong, went to school, went back to school, got a stupid masters degree, I don’t beat my children, I’m kind and generous, stay conscientious of being positive and helping others, and so on and so on) and I still find I am constantly freaking struggling. Could you maybe back the f**k off for a second?
Now don’t get me wrong, while I am incredibly grateful for the things I have going RIGHT in my world, ie: my love, my kids, my health, my friends, my first world problems, etc.; I do not find it incredibly selfish of me to simply want enough money to make it less hard. I do not like worrying about whether I can pay for my child’s instrument rental or their school supplies or whether I will be able to wash my clothes without having to go to a laundry mat in the event that my W/D break because my landlord is raising my rent yet not continuing to provide maintenance on the appliances. I do not want to worry about if I am going to get child support to pay my car payment so I can go to said laundry mat or my invisible job or my child’s cross country meets.
Can’t I just have a break? One whole annual quarter where EVERYTHING goes RIGHT? Some breathing room would be nice.
Or maybe just a heads up or a clue to what it is I am supposed to be learning that I apparently keep missing?
Grateful, yet over it.
Sometimes I really really love Rob Brezsny’s horoscopes 🙂 check them out: http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/
I needed this one this week.
A. Because I need a muthatruckin J-O-B and;
B. I do have someone that looks at me like Lindsey looked at Stevie sooooo…. intention is magic.
“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,” says the poet Marty McConnell. That’s good advice, Pisces — not just in regards to your intimate relationships, but about all your other alliances, too. If you’re seeking a friend or consultant or business partner or jogging companion or new pet, show a preference for those creatures who look at you like maybe you are magic. You always need to be appreciated for the sweet mystery and catalytic mojo you bring to your partnerships, but you especially need that acknowledgment now. “
That things will get better.
Silver linings and all that.
This is for you too, Jane.
You pulled up next to me today. It was weird that I even looked over. Usually I am staring ahead watching the lights but I happened to look over and noticed you. You looked ridiculously pensive as per normal; however you got a new car!
What is that? Your 4th in 15 months? How DO you manage? And such an expensive one as well….
Huh. Kudos, I guess.
It’s not nearly as awesome as my Hamster car though…
But if I couple my need to chase paper with serving people and advocating for the oppressed…. Does it balance out?
Can you be a good social worker and want to make a lot of money or does that make you unapproachable and even more privileged? Yes. And yet, no….
“Money is the reason…We exist….Everybody knows it, it’s a fact! *Kiss, kiss*”
This is an interesting article that delves into the topic…watch the ted talk too.
I struggle with wanting a job that will fulfill my intrinsic needs and my financial ones… but find that if it pays my bills plus, I usually feel less than awesome about what I am doing.
I’ve struggled with balancing having a partner who can financially share in the support of my world but still fulfill the physical/emotional intimacy needs as well…
As to both, I have always found that if I have one the other is lacking regardless of which I have… Yet, I have recently come to the conclusion one can have both but it can’t be expected… only appreciated.
It’s an interesting reconciliation of thought.
Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that every time I am disappointed it is because of an expectation that I have created in this wee little brain of mine. I heard a song last night by an artist that is sorta? localish…. One of the lyrics referred to the fact that as far as water is concerned, he only has half a brain, because the other half IS water… Anywhoo…. His name is Hunter Paye, he is playing at the Alberta Street Pub if you are interested….
I digressed. Where was I?
Ah, yes. Expectations lead to disappointment.
So anyway, I am trying very hard to stay present and enjoy my new experiences and understand that when it comes to everyone else in the world, concentric circles are we.
We all have different agendas yet similar needs at the center; when we expect others to react and/or act the same way as we would and they don’t, we project our disappointment onto them. However, the fault lies in ourselves for aligning our own thoughts and pushing our perceptions onto them.
I recently read a pretty damn good article which I think is (at least partially) at the heart of this soul burn of mine: I postulate if we are are hardwired to empathize with those we love at a neural level, then aren’t we hardwired to assume that they are as well?
So I guess what I am working through is that what I am feeling at this moment is in fact self inflicted. And that sucks. Because I probably made the other party feel shitty by letting them know how I felt. But honesty about feelings is better upstream than down. Right?
Now I shall bathe whilst drinking my beer(s) and contemplate this more deeply in order to let it go.
As this is the first year that I am independently purchasing my kid’s school supplies, clothes, and general new school year BS without the aid of my student loans, suffice it to say things are rather lean…. So I told them to go through the first week with minimal supplies and figure out what they actually need rather than me just spending asinine amounts of money on things the Manchild will lose and the Girlchild will not use and I will just purchase the needed stuff later…
The Girlchild apparently made an editorial comment about this at a friend’s house so the friend’s mom bought her some supplies. DOH!
Way to make me feel like shite. YAY!
So I texted the girl’s mom to tell her thank you and explain my thought process rather than letting her think I was just a poor muthatrucka…I don’t think she believed me.
Then, as I am now an indentured servant with $23478398475845 in student loan debt to Sallie Mae (and considering the fact that my beautiful paid off car was accidentally killed because I forgot about the &*^*^%^* timing belt which caused me to need to buy a new car and have a car payment)…. I have NO effing expendable cash…. So I am down to using credit cards to buy groceries. Yay.
I go to Winco to buy groceries, spend an hour shopping, unloading, ringing up, and DOH!
Winco doesn’t take credit cards.
The shame, the shame.
Someday I will have a really awesome job with a really awesome salary. Until then, I am a poor muthatrucka. White person poor, but poor all the same. Relativity boys and girls, relativity.