Even if the one who gives me butterflies doesn’t recognize it. I’m tired of doubting myself and trying to understand what about ME isn’t conforming to their standards.
All of them.
I am enough. In fact, I might just be too much. I’m not missing out on them. They are missing out on me. I’m tired of dulling my glimmer to keep from outshining them. I’m tired of feeling sheepish when they tell me I’m “intimidatingly smart.”
I’m tired of amazing connections being written off because one thing doesn’t immediately “spark” or maybe “someday” someone might want ______insert here_______.
Fear of missing out is bullshit. Cowardice.
I’m a lot, I get it.
I AM ALSO:
Honest to a fault.
I’m good enough to do this.
I’m smart enough to complete that.
I am fucking EXTRAORDINARY.
Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that every time I am disappointed it is because of an expectation that I have created in this wee little brain of mine. I heard a song last night by an artist that is sorta? localish…. One of the lyrics referred to the fact that as far as water is concerned, he only has half a brain, because the other half IS water… Anywhoo…. His name is Hunter Paye, he is playing at the Alberta Street Pub if you are interested….
I digressed. Where was I?
Ah, yes. Expectations lead to disappointment.
So anyway, I am trying very hard to stay present and enjoy my new experiences and understand that when it comes to everyone else in the world, concentric circles are we.
We all have different agendas yet similar needs at the center; when we expect others to react and/or act the same way as we would and they don’t, we project our disappointment onto them. However, the fault lies in ourselves for aligning our own thoughts and pushing our perceptions onto them.
I recently read a pretty damn good article which I think is (at least partially) at the heart of this soul burn of mine: I postulate if we are are hardwired to empathize with those we love at a neural level, then aren’t we hardwired to assume that they are as well?
So I guess what I am working through is that what I am feeling at this moment is in fact self inflicted. And that sucks. Because I probably made the other party feel shitty by letting them know how I felt. But honesty about feelings is better upstream than down. Right?
Now I shall bathe whilst drinking my beer(s) and contemplate this more deeply in order to let it go.