Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that every time I am disappointed it is because of an expectation that I have created in this wee little brain of mine. I heard a song last night by an artist that is sorta? localish…. One of the lyrics referred to the fact that as far as water is concerned, he only has half a brain, because the other half IS water… Anywhoo…. His name is Hunter Paye, he is playing at the Alberta Street Pub if you are interested….
I digressed. Where was I?
Ah, yes. Expectations lead to disappointment.
So anyway, I am trying very hard to stay present and enjoy my new experiences and understand that when it comes to everyone else in the world, concentric circles are we.
We all have different agendas yet similar needs at the center; when we expect others to react and/or act the same way as we would and they don’t, we project our disappointment onto them. However, the fault lies in ourselves for aligning our own thoughts and pushing our perceptions onto them.
I recently read a pretty damn good article which I think is (at least partially) at the heart of this soul burn of mine: I postulate if we are are hardwired to empathize with those we love at a neural level, then aren’t we hardwired to assume that they are as well?
So I guess what I am working through is that what I am feeling at this moment is in fact self inflicted. And that sucks. Because I probably made the other party feel shitty by letting them know how I felt. But honesty about feelings is better upstream than down. Right?
Now I shall bathe whilst drinking my beer(s) and contemplate this more deeply in order to let it go.
I find myself struggling at times to keep my head out of my head; I try very hard to stay present and in the moment so that I enjoy things without over-thinking them, diminishing them, or writing them off as hormonally/chemically influenced experiences. When you think and feel something but aren’t sure if you should say them or not because of the weight they can carry, for instance…But there are also times when I give people advice about such things; from how thoughts are things and intention and energy and love and self image, etc…
I talk a good game but these things I advise others on are very hard for me to stay conscientious of myself from time to time. For example: Even at my heaviest, I thought I was hot. I carried that attitude and put off that energy and like a magical little glamour…others saw me that way too. And now, at my lightest in a few years, I find myself more critical of myself. I still think I am the kitty’s titties, but the older I get (and not terribly unrelated…the younger the collective THEY get) the more I compare myself to the THEM I think I am competing with. I know I am not, but it is still something I find myself doing.
How do you stop that?
I’m not a typically insecure person. In fact, often the opposite. I generally find myself feeling like a judgmental schmuck because I probably do think I am smarter and hotter than most. HA.
But social media (usually Facebook) really makes me feel less than.
It’s like a commercial bombardment of peers and celebrities and things I wish I was all the time… and you know what others think about them thanks to the fucking little ticker on the side. Ugh.
I just want to shut it off again.
But then I would go nuts wondering what was going on and what was being said etc.
Not to mention the lameness of my “friends” who don’t contact you unless you are on Facebook. Boo.
I miss the 90’s. Fuck this shit.
I really didn’t have anything to offer this morning so I went through my journals to find something to post.
This was written 13 years ago today.
I definitely have cyclical themes in my world. GD it.
I apparently haven’t learned much in those 13 years. DOH
(At least my writing got better….)
I called you earlier today,
they said you weren’t there.
I said it didn’t matter, my love,
I said I didn’t care.
I think of you with her,
I die a little with each thought.
But you, my love, shall never know
the tears of jealousy I have fought.
You say that you love only me,
I’m yours inside your heart;
So why are you still with her, my love,
and why are we apart?
It’s so unfair to me, I feel,
she holds you in her arms.
But time and time again, my love,
she burns you with her charms.
This was so much easier yesterday,
before she had a name.
The ease with which I wait, my love,
shall never be the same.