123 Main St.
Somewhere, WA 12345
September 18, 2013
It has come to my attention that while I have jumped through all of your stupid damn hoops from birth through today, apparently I am still missing something… I understand adversity develops character; yet it also breeds contempt. I’ve done all the things I am “supposed” to do (married baby daddy, divorced baby daddy when he done me wrong, went to school, went back to school, got a stupid masters degree, I don’t beat my children, I’m kind and generous, stay conscientious of being positive and helping others, and so on and so on) and I still find I am constantly freaking struggling. Could you maybe back the f**k off for a second?
Now don’t get me wrong, while I am incredibly grateful for the things I have going RIGHT in my world, ie: my love, my kids, my health, my friends, my first world problems, etc.; I do not find it incredibly selfish of me to simply want enough money to make it less hard. I do not like worrying about whether I can pay for my child’s instrument rental or their school supplies or whether I will be able to wash my clothes without having to go to a laundry mat in the event that my W/D break because my landlord is raising my rent yet not continuing to provide maintenance on the appliances. I do not want to worry about if I am going to get child support to pay my car payment so I can go to said laundry mat or my invisible job or my child’s cross country meets.
Can’t I just have a break? One whole annual quarter where EVERYTHING goes RIGHT? Some breathing room would be nice.
Or maybe just a heads up or a clue to what it is I am supposed to be learning that I apparently keep missing?
Grateful, yet over it.
Overall, I have so much to be grateful for; specifically right now.
I am telling you, this singing to the Universe is working. I should give lessons.
Yes, of course I would love more money so I wasn’t always sooo breaking even but hey! I’m fucking breaking even. I have a job, I am healthy, the people I love are healthy, the music has come back into my world, I am able to have magical experiences, and I am becoming myself again. I have had the blessing of a muse in one form or another for the last few months… and I have written more in the last 3 months than I have in years.
I might even finish this damn book: Exorcising the demons is another title for it I am considering… maybe that shall be the working title. HA
All in all, magic surrounds me.
I am staying conscious and present of not over-thinking, not questioning, not doubting… Not looking too closely and analyzing things…
“If you look too closely at the form, you miss the essence.” ~ Rumi
Just accepting what is and being okay with that while not putting myself in a position I do not want; yet not preventing myself from embracing things because I do not want to be vulnerable…
It’s a beautiful and precarious balance.
I don’t know exactly how to do it but….
For learning experiences that challenge me and fulfill me.
For interactions with people different from me.
For opportunities to give and receive feedback.
For healthy and amazing kids.
For unbroken toes that allow me to walk in ridiculously hot, haute, uncomfortable shoes.
For short months.
For the ability to tell friends I love them and am thinking of them while they go through scary things. (AR you have my thoughts and alllllll my hoobie joobie.)
For friends who tell me they love me and are thinking of me while I go through scary things.
For the ability to learn and grow and understand my childhood and persona.
For the privilege of grad school and student loans.
For stargazer lilies.
For tattooed men.
For tattooed women.
For Kisha, sunflowers and the grateful dead.
For human interaction.
For broken hearts and first loves.
For the capacity to feel both.
For unending lists of things I am grateful for.