Author Archives: Jani

About Jani

Jani grew up a gypsy anachronism, spending her early life taming her wanderlust. She clawed her way into the real world eventually obtaining two highly unpractical degrees, two children, six figure student loans, and a sarcastic wit that is matched by few. She now lives in the Walterverse where she received her MSW at a ridiculously expensive University. She followed this achievement by spending thousands more on even more useless letters to put after her name. Her future plans are to pay for the useless extra letters after her name as a super heroine. In the event that plan doesn't "work" out, she plans to return to her roots as vagabond gypsy busking in one way or another.HuZzah.

TuHaiku

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TuHaiku

How did it happen-
the only one alone here;
Me. Again. Of course.

Walking the damn line-
Praying for spiritual strength
And fast Benedryl.

Hallelujah

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Hallelujah

It’s strange:

How I find myself here

Cutting my mother’s hair.

When I swore we’d never speak

Never give myself the chance

to destroy her…

Like I know I could.

Curiously ironic…

Such a moment of grace

And a realization-

“I forgive her”

And for once,

It’s not about her.

Portrait of Blue

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I can’t stand the silence;

More so now, than ever before.

My emotional reactions-

Full of hope, I choose to ignore.

 

I long for grounding;

A way to separate our energies.

My sympathetic feels-

Overwhelm me with anxieties.


I recognize similarities;

Our resonant trauma echoes.

My appreciation of you-

Empathy tips the dominoes.

Artaxia

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Artaxia

Sorghum sadness

Artax-ia let’s say…

breathing in heavy yet noble, gases-

The vapors…

Tinkerbell feelings that expand

And dissipate in a few moments-

Except!

Except-

A certain adhesive melancholia

Sticky clouds…

Like a snare…

It’s a trap.

He super loves her.

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He super loves her.

Such an aberrant sentiment-

Unflinchingly given and reluctantly- accepted.

Growth is rarely a comfortable present;

at least not in the moment.

More of a gift to be appreciated when one grows older.

Cleverly disguised truth-

A Postmodern Jukebox manifestation of arrested development,

to be waded through both side by side

and often you taking point.

A partner and a challenge-

a teacher and a blessing.

An organized wish come through,

willed by his hands~

 

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

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Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

I can go months-

Years without a cigarette.

Until I get a certain sad that only smoking (thus far) relieves… maladaptive or not…

it’s a coping skill too…

Said certain sadness passes…

Cue subsequent guilt for even purchasing…

Then! (as if to punish myself for it)

I am compelled to finish the pack.

Oy.

We’re never really finished, I guess.

Heavy in His arms

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Heavy in His arms

Surrounded by the ever present Spectre of death…

Mortality itself has haunted since the 11th year-

Family & friends dying like the Hemingways and Fondas having a competition…

Addictions and violence permeate a life… a society… a culture.

Supporting those you love,

Facing my own fears;

Tasked with aiding those in grief…

A lifetime of training?

They don’t tell you the right things to say…

Or even the wrong things to say.

“It will always come in waves… they just get further between…”

Weak tea for the knock kneed.

God

Life

Energy

Grief

Stages

Birth to death and all between;

Beautiful acceptance to righteous anger-

Fuck this mortal coil.

Oedipus

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Oedipus

What a compounding thought-

Reflecting on my daddy issues;

My insane need for a father figure…

What I needed was a foundation-

“The all father”

A God:

for all intents and purposes-

An education on faith-

Grace-

Forgiveness-

Repentance AND reconciliation.

A basis for growth- a reason for service and understanding of trauma-

And finally- a present presence.

Ache

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Ache

I’ve subdued my urges-

As often as I can…

Quieting the undesired parts of self.

But still… it’s not enough-

Now, inactions aren’t enough…

Words now forbidden-chastised-shamed-

Acutely.

What next?

Thoughts?