I’ve subdued my urges-
As often as I can…
Quieting the undesired parts of self.
But still… it’s not enough-
Now, inactions aren’t enough…
Words now forbidden-chastised-shamed-
Was reading about dry drowning
And I suddenly was four.
Remembering my mother’s hypervigilance surrounding me
“It only takes a teaspoon to drown!”
And this led to my flooded warren…
My Piscean draw to the moon
Sand and waves
My mermaidian desires
How it wasn’t her android pelvis holding me back
But my fear of leaving the amniotic
Funny now, I think of it.
How we need the water
We’re 75% or something
(Same as the earth herself)
But she refused to let us wear seat belts,
Because if we wrecked in the drink, we’d drown.
She was so scared of water.
Never did learn how to swim
Except for underneath
And strangely, she never did come up,
To surface so she died:
In the life giving force we need
And instilled the fear
But it only made me want it more
Then the thoughts, they jumped to you.
The cliffs we slid down in winter,
And the irony of the ocean that day
Your ass hitting the ice,
A frozen attempt at life
You lost me in the sea grass
But climbed a tree to scout me a path.
I’m not hydrophobic anymore.
Sometimes I feel that I must have some sort of personality or character flaw.
I get so bored with basically everything in my world I become destructive, physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it. It’s gotten easier to ignore, the older I have gotten; but it’s still there, strong as ever. I have been reflecting on this a lot lately, and if I am truly honest with myself, this has been happening as long as I can remember. School, subjects, jobs, friends, places, houses, even drugs/chemicals when I was young, hobbies, etc. I know there is no better here than there, I know that. But what the hell?
How do people have the same houses, jobs, friends, spouses, everything, for their whole lives?! I get anxiety just thinking about it. I got the nickname “Hot Feet” at age16 for reasons besides being a hot Pisces. Really.
Can anyone commiserate or normalize this for me? Anyone? *crickets*
Sometimes I really really love Rob Brezsny’s horoscopes 🙂 check them out: http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/
I needed this one this week.
A. Because I need a muthatruckin J-O-B and;
B. I do have someone that looks at me like Lindsey looked at Stevie sooooo…. intention is magic.
“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,” says the poet Marty McConnell. That’s good advice, Pisces — not just in regards to your intimate relationships, but about all your other alliances, too. If you’re seeking a friend or consultant or business partner or jogging companion or new pet, show a preference for those creatures who look at you like maybe you are magic. You always need to be appreciated for the sweet mystery and catalytic mojo you bring to your partnerships, but you especially need that acknowledgment now. “
I’ve always memorized bathroom ceilings:
Submerged, looking up at faces in its texture,
Light reflected dancing ripples on the tile walls,
Watching my voyeuristic friends in forgotten corners,
Quietly observing me from above.
My true Piscean solace,
And it was odd, how the thought emerged;
“Nothing heals me like water.”
My mantra mimicking the rhythm of the tide,
Created by the horizontal push of my toes from the faucet.
I dream of water; the ocean.
Inside me is a longing,
For the impossibly familiar cold Irish beaches.
I can still taste the fog, thick in my mouth,
Feel the sea spray on my face.
I’m never sure if they are my memories or some other lifetime’s;
A forgotten life or a touch of the divine
Little breakthroughs come in waves,
Like pieces of a movie
And someone pushed rewind.
Almost like wading through the pages of an old photo album,
You never know if you remember hearing the story
Or if you were actually there and experienced it.
They are my salt cracked composite images
Of some other life, place and time.