Mindful what you wish
Heart spells can be tricky things
Oft not known til done
I am a very empathetic, intuitive, über feeling, and generally good person. I do my best to understand others and to not cause negative things to happen within them due to my actions or words. This, however, is not always enough it seems. But I am.
I cannot be held to such a standard of knowing all intentions. If you are wanting to talk, tell me. If you are not wanting to talk, tell me. If I am wanting/needing to talk and you don’t want to, I might need to understand why. It is a simple thing. If you simply want the presence of another human, tell me. If I assume you must want to talk and you are not talking, so I talk…Do not assume that I am just telling you about my day or problem or whatever because I need to fill the air with the melodic sound of my voice, give me the benefit of doubt that perhaps I am making an assumption about your intentions and trying to give an opening for you to bring something up. I might base this on nothing or I might base this on what I think is happening or what I feel is happening. I promise I am not “trying to social work you.” I try very diligently to not social work the people I love, but it is kind of difficult to not think in the ways I do now. It is a Pandora’s box situation. I try and I fail. I can ask “Do you want advice or do you want me to commiserate?” but that in itself seems to make people angry. I am more than willing to sit in silence with you, but I need to know that is what you want. I cannot simply know it.
I am an anxious, hyper-vigilant, and sometimes neurotic person. I see things and feel things, KNOW things that may or may not exist in all realities. I have experiences, like us all, that make me jump to conclusions. Granted, sometimes my conclusions go straight to catastrophe planning and risk mitigation. This is an issue, I know. BUT it is also a survival technique. A way that I have learned to survive, emotionally and physically. Maladaptive at times, yes. Controlling at times, yes. But my burden to bear.
When I am given 1000 pieces of a 1500 piece puzzle, I put what I can together and until I know the rest, I use my best judgment to consciously and unconsciously matrix what I see, feel, or hear. I will arrange those 1000 pieces into something that I recognize and understand, until I have the rest of the pieces. I cannot yet handle the missing pieces. My shit, not yours. But what is your piece, your “shit”, is the way that you react to how I proceed. I am only accountable for my own actions, my own words, my intent. I cannot be held accountable for your feelings, your reactions, or how you are impacted. If you assume I am coming at you with ill intent, then you obviously do not know me. I try to anticipate the outcome of all interactions, but alas…
But I am doing my best. And I hope, I assume, I presume, I pray…You are too.
I am still riding high on this magical journey of intention…. I think I may have figured it out… If you missed the post of which I am referring; basically I stated that I stopped focusing on the things that I wanted to avoid and started focusing on what I wanted instead…. I sang to the universe and it has responded in kind:
Within the last week:
I had a reiki treatment to help me let go of bitterness, remain present and open myself to opportunities….then:
I had the last man I let break my heart tell me that he never really loved me and now that he has met his “soul mate,” got clean, and yet, simultaneously medicated and found “Jesus” that he wants to be friends; and apologized for never giving me the experience he is giving her. *GAG*
Ouch. Yeah. No thanks. Kudos for doing everything you are doing right but……NO>
I also posted my yearly whoroscope….. a few weeks ago; which was insanely accurate and gave me this beauty:
“You tend to fall in love with those you need to help, educate or save in some way. In 2013, you’re adding the requirement of long-term stability to the mix. Your standards for a serious partner are more rooted in loyalty and consistency than ever before. You want staying power, which means giving up the unobtainable relationship pattern. The part of you that’s drawn to the projected ideal of a person is being replaced with a serious reality check, compliments of Saturn in Scorpio. Intimacy is now what you crave, and that requires stability, reliability and trust. Such character traits need to be shown to you in the real world from now on. No longer will you fall in love with someone’s potential. You’ve been burned too many times trying to play the role of the wounded healer, Pisces.”
Well no more.
No means no, frat boy.
As you can see, I am trying to steer clear of patterns….try something different….
THENNNNN also this week:
I reiterated my desire to have someone look at me like Lindsey looked at Stevie….
Something like this, right around 2 minutes eighteen seconds in…. she’s doing her thing and he is so fucking in love with her for that moment:
Someone looked at me like that, if only for a moment.
Thoughts are things, my friends, thoughts.are.things.
The universe balances the scales if you stay out of your own way.
And just because this is good shit…. here is some more delicious vintage Stevie….listen till the end…. this is how the song is supposed to end.
To the One who is constantly sending me the most beautiful and hopeful things, thank you.
I much prefer this explanation as the reason for certain feelings and dreams which myself and some of my closest friends have had as of late.
This is what I shall fixate my energy on.
And always remember, don’t ever forget: BE LOVE.
“Be love now” ~ Ram Dass AKA Richard Alpert….(my easter egg for the month 🙂
Be love sounds like believe….hmmm
WAHOOOOOO! It’s the first day of SPRING!
Now mind you, one would not know that by looking out my windows, as here in the magically and infamously warm and balmy Pacific Northwest, it is snowing. Sigh.
However, the Pagan celebration of the spring equinox, known by many names (Ostara, Eostre, etc.) is not unlike numerous other festivals, holidays and “holy days,” that the religion in power has changed to suit its purposes. One does not have to try hard to see the similarities between Ostara, Eostre and Easter. Both have to eggs (fertility), rabbits (known of course for their “fecundity” and affinity for chocolate?…hahah) and grass, beginnings and rebirth attached. But this is not to be a commentary on the bastardization of cyclic events! No sir! I shall NOT digress!
Today, I want only to remind you that today is the beginning of the REAL new year. The light and the darkness are balanced today. From here until the winter solstice, the light shall be dominant. Let it be the same in your mind, heart and body. Start this season with intention, decide how you want your life to be and begin it today, anew. Release the darkness of the winter and make strides to shrug off the heaviness, in whatever form it may have actualized on you.
Go for a walk. Meditate. Say what you need to say, to whomever you need to say it to. Smell a flower. Perform a fertility ritual. Have some sex. Smudge your house. Spring cleaning isn’t just about dusting the places you can’t easily reach….or is it? 😀
Perform whatever cleansing ritual you desire, be it cleaning your house, saying a prayer or simply opening your windows. Plant a seed, mentally or physically.
Love and Light,
It had to happen. I finally get a day off from everything and lo and behold the sun was shining and the air was warm. I think somewhere an angel got their wings or some shi*. It was so beautiful that I was compelled to spend my day off cleaning.
Now mind you, half of it was inspired by the fact that my daughter found a couple of fleas on the dog and I freaked out. I do that. Jani doesn’t do fleas, lice, ticks, bedbugs or anything like that. Sweet ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus forbid one of my own kids ever comes home with lice, they may get farmed out. Quarantined. Disowned. Severe? Maybe. There has only been one person I have deloused in my life and she is my other half. In the big picture, creepy crawlies flip me out. Give me something big like a spider. Give me something I can see. That is ok.
Sunshine! Happiness! Smudging! Spiritual and physical housecleaning! It was a good time for it. I feel better having aired the house out.
You should too! Do it! Do it with good energy! Do it with intention! Or just put on your best Martha Stewart saccharine smile or your most kitschy apron and heels, boys, and get crackalackin. Especially if you are in the Pacific Northwest, we never know how long the sun will last…..