Tag Archives: intention

Oedipus

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Oedipus

What a compounding thought-

Reflecting on my daddy issues;

My insane need for a father figure…

What I needed was a foundation-

“The all father”

A God:

for all intents and purposes-

An education on faith-

Grace-

Forgiveness-

Repentance AND reconciliation.

A basis for growth- a reason for service and understanding of trauma-

And finally- a present presence.

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Purpose required.

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Purpose required.

Have you ever wanted something so bad,

you work and sacrifice….

Go a little mad…

Obtain said goal.

And then-

As though you had been…

chasing the proverbial dragon,

you are again unsatisfied?

Its easy to feel very sad and isolated-

Lonely in this big house-

Full of white noise and silences…

Inconsistently closed yet open doors.

Still trying to adjust- adapt…

Handle all the new noises

Suppress all the annoying ones,

Lament the loss of the old ones;

Not regret not covet-

Missing the tiny place somehow-

Although cramped quarters-

Happiness was found in those small spaces;

No choice but intimacy-

And shared purpose.

Fickle Mistress

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Fickle Mistress

How much can one heart hold:

Sadness-

Love-

Anger-

Happiness?

Swelling and contracting

Heaving like a deep breathing chest

Rising and falling;

like rapid cycling moods.

Hearts can heal

All too often it seems

Just in time to break-

again.

Love-

Love is a tricky bitch.

And hope?

Hope is a fickle mistress.

Like a flock of seagulls…

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Like a flock of seagulls…

I dreamt you went away;

Quite literally, you ran, in fact.

I woke to find you there yet;

Still beside me, corporally, intact.

I decided to ignore it;

The feeling, dismissed, the context abstract.

Dreams for sale:

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Dreams for sale:

Sold two wedding dresses today:

One, unworn and white.

The second; loved yet stained…. with the paint I wore to hide me.

Last remnants of a former self,

Sold to the highest bidder.

Eutetic

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Eutetic

Thought I was the Gallium,

It seems I am the Indium.

Electricity shorts out in tears-

Frazzled charges,

you can’t predict.

I want to be surrounded:

Encompassed;

Supported.

Find myself mixing in

Like T-1000, shapeshifting

All the parts of myself

into a palatable poison.

 

It’s true….

I make a sufficient version

Of a reflective surface

To provide you foundation

For building.

Liquid transistors from

Your quick silver mouth,

Unintentionally spewing mercury.

Not understanding the rise in heat…

As I stretch myself into thin circuits.

 

While in non-consensual secrecy,

I constantly pour myself out.

Waiting for the reciprocal…

(All the while, knowing the odds)

Praying for a recharge.

Poking keys into outlets-

Waiting for the spark-

(That I known is going to hurt…)

Pressing tiny diodes,

Like perpetual LEDs,

Embedded in fully cured resin.

 

An unassuming alloy,

Hidden and presented as an ally,

(im)patiently waiting

for the moment…

you decide to let me in.

Another crystal lattice,

I should have known better.

(should know better.)

I’ve seen this pattern before.

But here I am,

Tonguing all the nine volts,

Wishing you would just touch me.

Shrinking dilation

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Shrinking dilation

I feel myself, disappearing…

into this.

I’m not sure…

Not sure how it happened…

It was just an idea:

A dream,

A thought,

Based on a memory…

A reverie really;

Of a boy-

A boy with sad eyes,

a piano, and a weight bench…

Now he’s become a man,

with those same hauntingly sad eyes.

But the weight,

Is now upon his shoulders.

And the piano?

The piano is gone,

And the music…

Well, music is a burden,

on his soul…

But!

But he’s full of love,

And faith,

And love…

And fear.

The fear creates a vacuum…

Nature abhors a vacuum, right?

High-koo

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High-koo

The immense weight of

A single finger touching,

Exploding my heart.

Bless you, Haiku!

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Bless you, Haiku!

White noise cannot,

drown out your obvious absence;

Or quiet my thoughts.

Aw, snap.

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Aw, snap.

It’s a heavy realization:

Reflecting on 39 years

And discovering:

YOU ARE

You are the most prolific liar in your life…And always have been.

Personally, I can convince myself that everything is true;

Okay;

Perfect;

Rational;

Fated;

“The right choice.”

Rarely am I telling myself the truth-

Especially not in my head.