Category Archives: marriage

Bleach

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Bleach

My seemingly loving efforts appear to have been~
insidious;

regardless of my good intentions.

That stupid fucking realization:

“The grass only grew when we left it alone.”

And I then-

Well, I looked at my hands;         


each rubbing the other like it would somehow bring the other- comfort…

and I flashed upon a memory…

a memory of my father~

wringing his hands…

Because there’s nothing else you can do when “rainy days and Mondays always bring you down…”

I wished that it was all gaslighting-

Alas-

I cannot deny my own part in the fire-

that fire that burnt everything.

Everything we loved-

Everything we planned-

All the things we planted-

Prayed for.

Yep-

I am the common denominator who just…

Just brought it to it’s knees and then to a-

well…

To a bitter fucking end.

And everything I thought I knew

and everything I was meant to do-

Was smoldering… kindling~

Left.

Left to mildew:

Mildew like forgotten laundry in the wash~

Dirty laundry-

a chore.

You know.

The kind you forget because you think you’re happy;

and
you are busy;

and

you feel content.

Then and only then-

do you realize:

you left it;

left it TOO long~

unattended;

in the rain… and also;

On the line-

and now it’s sour;

Rotten…

That smell can not be washed out.

 

Goddamn it.

Bob Marley Wisdom…

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Bob Marley Wisdom…

Bob Marley once said:

“You may not be her first,
her last, or her only.

She loved before
she may love again.

But if she loves you now,
what else matters?

She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.

She may not be thinking about you every second of the day,
but she will give you a part of her
that she knows you can break—her heart.

So don’t hurt her,
don’t change her,
don’t analyze and
don’t expect more than she can give.

Smile when she makes you happy,
let her know when she makes you mad,
and miss her when she’s not there.

Love with your whole being when you receive love.
Because there are no perfect girls, but there will always be a girl who is perfect for you..”

Purpose required.

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Purpose required.

Have you ever wanted something so bad,

you work and sacrifice….

Go a little mad…

Obtain said goal.

And then-

As though you had been…

chasing the proverbial dragon,

you are again unsatisfied?

Its easy to feel very sad and isolated-

Lonely in this big house-

Full of white noise and silences…

Inconsistently closed yet open doors.

Still trying to adjust- adapt…

Handle all the new noises

Suppress all the annoying ones,

Lament the loss of the old ones;

Not regret not covet-

Missing the tiny place somehow-

Although cramped quarters-

Happiness was found in those small spaces;

No choice but intimacy-

And shared purpose.

Secrets of life…

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Secrets of life…

I’m spending time with a hospice client today who is telling me the secrets of life… they’ve been married two times, 20 years the first time, and 52 years the second. (!!!!)

They say the secret to life is “…to love and let them love you. It’s the only thing that lasts and the only thing you can control. Sometimes. Anger and hate fade away and you don’t remember what exactly you were sore about, but you never forget the reasons you love someone or how it felt when they loved you.”

I’m not crying. YOU’RE CRYING.

Carry on.

Dreams for sale:

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Dreams for sale:

Sold two wedding dresses today:

One, unworn and white.

The second; loved yet stained…. with the paint I wore to hide me.

Last remnants of a former self,

Sold to the highest bidder.

FUNdaMENTALs

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FUNdaMENTALs

Venn diagrams of romantic love;

For what?

Do we teach?

Do we learn?

Attachment styles:

Reaction,

Distraction,

Attraction,

Addiction…

Disconnect.

 

Love or fear?

There are only two paths…

Neurologically speaking in fact, through the Limbic.

All choices guided by one or the other:

Fuck,

Fight,

Freeze,

Flee…

Love? Trust? Be?

As the verb or the noun?

 

Pair bonds… cultural or chemical?

They are not the same…

Labels do not cement:

Attention,

Affection,

Intention,

Effluxion.

What is the choice?

Decision? Commitment?

Ah, but sweet limerence…

 

Fear of missing out,

Swipe left,

Swipe right,

Hedge your bets,

Invest no time, OR

Abstain,

Agree,

Move,

Stay…

Just connect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How about…

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How about…

I notice literally everyone in my world is having relationship issues, so I offer this. It’s, of course, through my lens but its a nice start because I am sure everyone who reads this is guilty of at least one:

Soooo how about:

  1. Not doing shit to begin with that you need to apologize for.
  2. Sincerely understanding how your actions affect and effect others and simply apologizing instead of glazing over things with gifts or silence.
  3. Shutting up and listening for a minute before you interrupt and argue.
  4. Realizing that just because someone is defensive doesn’t mean you didn’t cause it.
  5. Realizing that other people evolve and grow and change their views, it doesn’t mean that they have no conviction.
  6. Appreciating the differences in someone that you liked when you met them instead of being irritated with them.
  7. Looking up the definition of projection, transference, denial, oh f**k it, here: just read about defense mechanisms.
  8. Not being an asshole for a minute.
  9. Not making everything a fight.
  10. Being fully aware of the fact that people love you despite how you treat them but it’s getting old.
  11. Seeing the irony that you hate how you perceive people to treat others, but then you treat them the same way.
  12. Not being passive aggressive when you aren’t being antagonistic.
  13. Understanding that others give you as much space as you need to cool off, center, figure out what the hell is going on in YOUR head. Maybe you should extend the courtesy back.
  14. Consciously perceive that people are walking on eggshells because of how you react.
  15. Just shut the f**k up, period.

GAAAWWWDDDDDDDDDD

Equalism? Machism? Feminism? Ismism?

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Equalism? Machism? Feminism? Ismism?

I was trying to process what I was feeling recently, in regard to the fact that I am somewhat dependent on my husband right now and I really f**king don’t like this feeling. BUT, even though he may not admit it, I think he likes being in the position to “take care of” me and my kids, at least for the moment. So I started to explore that and my feelings about it, from an angle of perceived control and feminist leanings.

After wading through my anti-Disney views, I realized a few things about boys and the similar messaging they receive through childhood movies, namely Disney. While so much focus is on girls and the messaging that they receive from the media, on their bodies, their sexuality, their gender defined roles and expectations…BOYS do too.

Take Beauty and the Beast for example. He is a hairy, mean, aloof asshole really. Sure he is well read and intelligent, but he is an asshole. But despite any sort of Patty Hearstesque issues in Belle, we still get to the end of the story and Belle fell in love with him despite all his shortcomings.

The message to girls: You can turn a monster into a beautiful clean-shaven prince if you love him enough.

The message to boys: If you are rich and have a castle and isolate a girl, she will love you despite how you treat her. And plus, at the end, you get to look like an Abercrombie model.

How about Aladdin?

The message to girls: You can be a spoiled little brat if you are beautiful and don’t dress conservatively but you have no real power unless you are married to a man, regardless of how evil he is. Ahem, enter Jafar.

The message to boys: If you are a street rat and steal the right thing, it can lead to riches and glory with which you can obtain the affection of a rich and beautiful girl who never would have looked at you otherwise…You just gotta get that money, even if you have to steal it. *White boy rich, right?* Additionally, it helps to have a Genie, a monkey and ride into the girl’s line of sight in the most badass form of transportation possible…elephants for Aladdin..Jasmine don’t want no scrub.

What about Snow White and Sleeping Beauty?

The message to girls: above and beyond the obvious “only a prince will save me, I can’t save myself from the powerful woman we perceive as a witch,” what about the “if a boy kisses me while I am passed the eff out, its ok, he was trying to save me.”

The message to boys: If you have money and power and want a girl, go ahead and have your way with her if she is passed the eff out. She will let you do anything because she needs someone to save her cause she can’t do it herself.

How about my own personal favorite childhood movie (seriously, I just realized how eff’d up this is….) Peter Pan:

The message to girls: Don’t worry about the guy climbing through your window, he was in love with your mom and your grandma and has watched your whole family grow up, he looks and acts like a boy but he is really like freaking 60 and refused to grow up. Go ahead and take the “fairy dust” he offers you to make you fly.

The message to boys: Eh, you could take this from the Peter Pan Pedophile view or the brother’s view, either way, if you take the girl you have to take the brothers as well, either to keep people off your trail or to protect your sister, who isn’t smart enough to go alone and she takes care of you, like a mother, anyway.

Boys receive the same messaging girls do. Only they receive it from the opposite side. Boys have to be big enough and strong enough and rich enough and good-looking enough to get one of these girls they need. Because you aren’t successful unless you have a family to take care of and support independently.

And dear sweet ancient baby alien space monkey jebus forbid, you are not heterosexual. Then you are just screwed. Who is the bread-winner? What if you can’t get married? What if you can’t adopt because you are gay? What if you don’t want any effing kids anyway? What if you don’t want to be traditional? Then what?

Look at George Clooney for example:

He is what the media likes to deem a “lifelong bachelor.” He is rich and good-looking, etc., but people ALWAYS assume one of these days he will meet a girl who will knock him off his feet and tie him down. Um, he is dating a WWE girl and she hasn’t done it. I don’t think it will be done. And why is this not ok? Maybe he doesn’t want a fairytale BS path. Maybe he doesn’t want any damn kids. Maybe he just borrows some of Brad and Angie’s when he feels the biological pull….*eyeroll* OR MAYBE THE BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS A MANMADE (OR AT LEAST PERPETUATED) FEELING CREATED BY PREDETERMINED ROLES!!!!

Here comes the role strain.

Here comes the anomie.

Yeehaw!  Boys, be who you want to be. Love who you want. Marry who you want to marry, if you want to marry. Have kids if you want. Be your most authentic self, regardless of what Hollywood and Disney and the GOP tells you that you need to be. Watch the documentary, “Happy.” Money DOES NOT equate to love or happiness. I promise.

As far as my own feelings, they are still be processed. But at least you get some insight into the feelings an independent woman might feel. We don’t want to be dependent either. So that should remove some stress 🙂

Husband Playbook Page 44: How to make up for being a freaking SCHMUCK

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Husband Playbook Page 44: How to make up for being a freaking SCHMUCK

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 So without boring you with all the sordid, scandalous details, my dear sweet hubby has been a real schmuck lately. For at least the last month or so. Maybe since Christmas even 🙂 Valentine’s wasn’t the best, my birthday had its moments. He did however buy me a bazillion dollars worth of couture shoes and a fancy dress off of my “never gonna get any of this stuff” wish list, so he got SOME brownie points; last night however, got him off the hook for quite a while.

This is how my evening went:

I was at school all evening and received a text stating I needed to call him when I got to my park and ride location and not to ask questions. So I did that. I got home and once in my driveway noticed a note in a ziplock bag hanging on the garage door (to keep it dry of course, it rains here all the blessed time).

I called to let him know I was here to which he replied, “Stay in your car, I will call you when you can come in.” I asked if I should get the note or not and he said “NO stay in your car and I will call you when you can get it…”

I can follow instructions so I did that…

He called and advised me I could come in. I got the note:

So I did as it said, came in, to see our house immaculate, lit with no less than 20 deliciously scented candles and fragrant star-gazer lilies; my husband was standing near the dining room table dressed to the nines gesturing me up the stairs and Stevie Nicks “Belladonna” was playing on the record player.

I went upstairs to find my magical new dress, shoes, another note (that you will not be seeing ;)) and my bedroom alit with candles, lavender and fancy stones spread about.

I wondered where the dog and kids were, but only for a moment; I came to learn (the Girl Child had to zip my dress) that they were all in on it, the Boy Child had the dog in quarantine, the Girl Child was pretending to be asleep.

I went downstairs and danced with my husband in my fancy shoes.

We ate a most delicious Italian tiramisu/trifle like dish he prepared all by himself from scratch that was layered with chocolate cake, pudding, whip cream, kahlua and toffee with hand shaved chocolate curls…

Paired with the most expensive, delicious, well researched Port I have ever had the pleasure of putting on my tongue:

Then we played a game of cribbage all dressed to the nines, drinking wine by candle light. I won. (It may not sound romantic, but it’s how we roll)

Then he switched the record to:

Side 2 😉

Things got a little hotter. And I opted for my spa/massage treatment. The rest of the night is mine, you voyeuristic freaks.

But I can say with all certainty, the massage had a happy ending.

SO. Here’s the moral of the story, Significant Others…

If you are gonna be a schmuck and try to make up for it with expensive trinkets, you better arrange a time for them to be worn or used and pair it with wine and flowers and music and dancing and food and candles and massage and letting the other person win. Romance helps more than the stuff. Just sayin.

Good luck, Schmucks.

Good job, Husband. You get to stick around for a while longer 🙂

Top Five Reasons my husband loves me (based upon yesterday only)

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Top Five Reasons my husband loves me (based upon yesterday only)

I am going to brag about myself for a minute. Bare with me. I need it.

  1. I took control of the entire planning of yesterday’s festivities and paid.
  2. I took him to eat here: Blitz Pearl
  3. Then we went and wandered here: Powell’s
  4. Then we went drinking and playing here (Utopia of PINBALL): Ground Kontrol
  5. Then I kicked his ASS at shuffleboard here: Dublin Down

That is all. Be jealous geeks.