Tag Archives: ocean

Hydrophobic

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Hydrophobic

Was reading about dry drowning
And I suddenly was four.
Remembering my mother’s hypervigilance surrounding me
“It only takes a teaspoon to drown!”
And this led to my flooded warren…
My Piscean draw to the moon
The tides
Sand and waves
My mermaidian desires
How it wasn’t her android pelvis holding me back
But my fear of leaving the amniotic
Funny now, I think of it.
How we need the water
We’re 75% or something
(Same as the earth herself)
But she refused to let us wear seat belts,
Because if we wrecked in the drink, we’d drown.
She was so scared of water.
Never did learn how to swim
Except for underneath
And strangely, she never did come up,
To surface so she died:
In the life giving force we need
And instilled the fear
But it only made me want it more
Then the thoughts, they jumped to you.
The cliffs we slid down in winter,
And the irony of the ocean that day
Your ass hitting the ice,
A frozen attempt at life
You lost me in the sea grass
But climbed a tree to scout me a path.
I’m not hydrophobic anymore.
Are you?

 

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Seasons of the witch

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Seasons of the witch

And I performed all the rituals;

To excise you from my being:

I said the words, I sang the songs,

I burned the poppets, offerings, and herbs.

The vernal equinox brought forlorn surrender

With all my naked tears, 

thrown at the ocean.

Midsummer brought quiet understanding

Still the skyclad blood dance was all for naught.

Acceptance turned to woken realization,

The exorcism had not uncleaved…     

My self imposed division.

The queen of cups,

Fooled again.

The knight of swords,
Had lied.

Time brought on the autumnal passing.

Themes of knowledge and woe,

Of things that cannot be unsaid, unknown.

Samhain a solemn reminder,

Of the work remaining to be done.

The full moon purge,

The blessings be,

The earth is coming full circle.

Magick done. 

Things that go bump in the night:

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Things that go bump in the night:

While I do not claim to be the most rational person, I think on most days I am at least 72% rationale.

However.

There are a few things that despite my rational grownup mind freak me the eff out. In an ongoing attempt to purge irrational fear from my psyche, I offer you this list of my top 11 irrational fears from greatest to least, *handle this knowledge responsibly please*:

  1. Spider webs. Spiders, not a biggie. Spider webs, touching me or in my line of sight are enough to induce heart palpitations faster than the first time I saw that b**ch on the ring come crawling out the tv.
  2. The shadow next to the bed. I don’t care how old I get, I jump over that. Period.
  3. Falling asleep in a car as a passenger. Don’t take it personally, but no. I do not trust you enough to not kill me while I sleep and you drive. Get over it.
  4. Falling. On purpose, metaphorically, from a ladder, from stairs, from a plane, from a mountain, from a cliff, from a platform with a rubber band tied around my ankles, from a roof, from a beautiful waterfall, from a bridge, whatever. I used to think it was a fear of heights, but I have decided it’s not. It’s the falling I fear 🙂
  5. White noise hoobie joobie. That movie with Michael Keaton freaked me the eff out. I think it is the combination of watching Poltergeist at entirely too young of an age and then that movie….EEKKKKK
  6. Being strangled. Odd I know. But I can’t wear turtle necks or chokers or even t shirts that have tight necks. Weird right?
  7. Cataclysmic apocalypse. Be it caused by natural, alien, zombie, illuminati, political, whodo, voodoo, whatever; I fear it. More than a rationale person should, I suppose.
  8. The ocean. I dream of swimming underwater with whales and mermaids and fishes, breathing underwater just fine. But sharks and water I cannot see the bottom of in real, waking life, freaks me the eff out. Eff that. There are big freaking things in the ocean!
  9. Failing in general. At a job, on a quiz, on a crossword, at life in general, as a parent, etc. I fixate on this shit. Try falling asleep without the soothing sounds of Kelly Howell or Eckhart Tolle with this Atlas weight in your brain.
  10. Repeating my parent’s mistakes. This is probably not as serious of a fear so much as a corrective tool…Everything I do as a parent and a grownup, I try to gauge how my parents would have done it, and how that served or disserved me. Then I act accordingly. It’s only bit me in the ass a couple of times, thus far. But I do fear choosing wrong because I based a judgment of serve vs disserve on my current state of mind and not on the actual result that is still evolving….Does that make any sense outloud?
  11. Talking in my sleep. I know my dreams. If ever I was to speak while sleeping, I am sure people would have me put away forever. >:)

Ok, ok so I know overall it just seems like totally normal control issues right? RIGHT? I’m normal. Just like every other normally neurotic person.

Water Déjà vu

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I’ve always memorized bathroom ceilings:

Submerged, looking up at faces in its texture,

Light reflected dancing ripples on the tile walls,

Watching my voyeuristic friends in forgotten corners,

Quietly observing me from above.

My true Piscean solace,

And it was odd, how the thought emerged;

“Nothing heals me like water.”

My mantra mimicking the rhythm of the tide,

Created by the horizontal push of my toes from the faucet.

I dream of water; the ocean.

Inside me is a longing,

For the impossibly familiar cold Irish beaches.

I can still taste the fog, thick in my mouth,

Feel the sea spray on my face.

I’m never sure if they are my memories or some other lifetime’s;

A forgotten life or a touch of the divine

Little breakthroughs come in waves,

Like pieces of a movie

And someone pushed rewind.

Almost like wading through the pages of an old photo album,

You never know if you remember hearing the story

Or if you were actually there and experienced it.

They are my salt cracked composite images

Of some other life, place and time.