Tag Archives: mother

Hallelujah

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Hallelujah

It’s strange:

How I find myself here

Cutting my mother’s hair.

When I swore we’d never speak

Never give myself the chance

to destroy her…

Like I know I could.

Curiously ironic…

Such a moment of grace

And a realization-

“I forgive her”

And for once,

It’s not about her.

Shattering patterns, one crisis at a time….

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Shattering patterns, one crisis at a time….

So you know that dumb cliché that your children are your karma for what you did as a child?

Payback is a bitch.

Today marked the third LARGE parenting crisis I have had to deal with in the 16 years I have been a parent. Oddly enough, all three of them have happened when my children were the same age as I was, when I experienced practically the same crisis.

It’s really freaking scary. I have made bad decisions as a romantic relationship role model, that is for sure. But as far as everything else: school, work, self-advocacy, critical thinking, self-esteem, encouraging uniqueness, supporting their choices, not being a blind follower, talking about sex, drugs, and unconditional love, etc….I rock that.  I couldn’t imagine having to deal with any of the things I experienced because I have prided myself on being such a “better” parent than I had. And I am a better parent, my toolbox is better stocked. My education is more complete. But better is a relative term, I suppose.

The main difference between my parenting and my childhood is that I have made it a point to do the absolute opposite of what my parents did; in these specific situations.

And it’s hard.

I panic.

I don’t know what a “normal” parent would do.

I don’t always know what the appropriate thing to do is.

I know what I would tell a client.

I know what I would tell a friend.

But they aren’t my kids.

They aren’t me.

They don’t have my experiences.

And therein lies the rub.

All I can do is hope I have interrupted a pattern. Hope that when it’s my children’s turn as parents, that they don’t experience these crises. If they do, I hope they handle it even better than I did.

Mother, Mother

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Mother, Mother

Maybe not meaningful to you but meaningful to me is the fact that this song came out the year I became a mother…albeit a pre-birth mother, but a mother aware of the child inside her all the same…

I identified with this song so much.

Somedays, I still do.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the men and women mothers or mother role holders, even the ones that weren’t close to perfect.

Ancient Mother

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I have many mothers. And each has been instrumental in my development as a person and a mother myself. So I say, to all the women (and men) who have stepped up and taken the initiative to assume the role and actually BE mothers to all the children, of all ages that needed one or wanted one, or both: THANK YOU and HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.

Maiden Mother Crone

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Maiden Mother Crone

I just had an epiphany while lost in deep near meditative thought (is that an oxymoron? meditative thought….hm). Anyhoo…I realized that since my move to the Pacific Northwest last June, I hadn’t really made any friends. Now partially, this is because I haven’t really tried; it is also a self-imposed-quasi-societal-restraint. I really don’t like many females, never have had many female friends (I’ve dated women, but only long enough to realize I really can’t get along with them) and find myself better friends with males…HOWEVER while in a relationship with a man having old male friends is uncomfortable enough, making new ones is just plain drama.

I don’t care how secure your ‘man” is, you start bringing around new guy friends that aren’t gay and it causes static. At least that has ALWAYS been my experience.

I digress….

What was my point? Oh yes. Females. Women. Girls. Ladies. Chickas. La Feminina…

I haven’t made any new female friends.

That is until recently. Perhaps it is simply the fact that I am in school again and have the opportunities to meet more people or perhaps it is something else. I like to believe that every relationship happens for a reason. Even the bad ones. You learn something about yourself, others, life, whatever. There is a point. When it seems like you have the same relationships over and over, you have somehow MISSED the intended point. So it is presented again in a slightly different albeit similar packaging. Similar enough to be comforting and disarming, different enough to be new and novel. This can happen repeatedly until you get it right and no longer need to attract that same cycle, because you have already mastered it.

Well, in my oxymoronic state as mentioned above, I realized that I am now in the midst of a triad!

A fantastical triad that appeals to my spiritual self.

Maiden. Mother. Crone.

It’s not just a tattoo on my back anymore!

*Now, if the women I am about to talk about actually read this, I hope they are not offended. I am not calling one naive or one old.*

That is not my intent at all so with that caveat lector, let me explain:

The first person I met from my triad, I met this summer at the Cascade Aids Project Aids Walk. We bantered a little, but not much. She is about 8 years younger than I, I think, and married military. No kids. She reminds me of who I think I would have been had I not got married and had kids when I was a kid. She is my maiden. Not because she is naive, but because she is wise and independent and is learning about herself as much as I hope I am finally.

The second person from my triad, I met in a class. She intimidated me but reminded me in energy and spirit of my best friend, Rachael, in Idaho. I was attracted to her and probably freaked her out in the beginning. She is former military, divorced, no kids. She reminds me of who I would have been had I not got married and had kids when I was a kid. She is my crone. Not because she is old, but because she is wise and independent, knows herself as well as I hope to someday.

I, by way of luck, am the mother. I’m right in the middle, divorced then married military, and a mother of a boy child and a girl child. Hopefully there is some reciprocity between us all. I think it is pretty much Kismet that we are all in the same program at such varying stages of our lives.

I also seem to have made a few other female friends in the last couple weeks just by following my gut, including my newest neighbor that was looking at a different house and I kinda went out on a limb and showed her a different house, completely unsolicited. I am excited to start having block parties.

I have never made female friends so easily. I am growing! YAY!

I’m attracting all sorts of feminine energy into my world….

Whoda thunk.

20 things I wish a mother had taught me. Any mother. Even yours.

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20 things I wish a mother had taught me. Any mother. Even yours.

Mind you some of these things I know how to do, NOW. Some of these things, I have not yet figured out, but I am working on it. I am not going to note which are which.

  1. How to crochet;
  2. how to put on liquid eyeliner properly;
  3. how to sock away money in case you ever have to leave;
  4. how to pick a proper wine;
  5. how to effectively and consistently maintain the role of parent while not damaging children’s souls;
  6. how to swim underwater without plugging your nose;
  7. how to be brave no matter what it may cost you;
  8. how to stand up for yourself and others despite the sorrow it may bring;
  9. how to continue to nourish your own soul while providing others roots for their own without doing all their gardening for them;
  10. how to cook for exactly the amount of people you need to cook for, not 3789639465349756349 extras;
  11. how to know when someone is lying to you;
  12. how to deal with rejection and failure;
  13. how to let go of control;
  14. how to see the good in others when the bad stands out;
  15. how to do basic maintenance on a car;
  16. how to get rid of aphids;
  17. how to roller blade and/or ice skate;
  18. how to tell your child, “Oh that sucks.” without wanting to fix it for them;
  19. how to slow down and appreciate what you have;
  20. how to teach love by being love.
That is all.