There are lots of things that kind of freak me out. I remember once I was using a wire beater in front of my kitchen window and the spines broke and well, exploded really; hitting the window and making a horrible sound.
I about lost my shit, thinking my partner’s ex shot me. Now, granted, after the fact it was hilarious and the people who witnessed me hit the ground and check for blood probably still get a laugh from it. Only now do I reflect upon the fact that I must have thought I had it coming to assume they would actually shoot me; I digress.
Other frightening things are the shadow next to a bed (which is a number one reason my bed doesn’t have a space between it and the floor), wearing choker necklaces, FEMA Camp, global thermonuclear war, old Victorian houses, zombie virus/apocalypse, spider webs (not spiders), blah blah. Like I am going to just give you them all! Pshhh. I am sure the NSA has them all on file somewhere from those stupid “quizzes” I filled out on MySpace a million years ago.
Anyhoo….back to the original point….I was just in my room, folding laundry, putting it away, listening to music really loud, dancing and enjoying myself when all of a sudden I had the clearest mind picture of someone unknown coming up behind me and harming me. WTF is that. It was one of the oddest feelings I have ever had. Truly, a someone just walked on my grave type of sensation. I have experienced déjà vu, but this was so different. Eeek.
Me no likey.
I hope in some alternative universe/dimension I am ok.
Once upon a time, I would do a wrap up “I have learned” type deal every season/school year/end of summer. Now I maybe get one done once a year, just to take stock and evaluate my personal evolution, growth and to check things off my bucket list. This summer, I have done a few items from each of the previous list and I share (albeit some of them vaguely) with you…
- I’m back in therapy and the water is good. I have decided to continue working on myself with the aid of a seemingly objective second party. While I enjoy having someone to bounce things off, it’s both alarming and comforting to have found a therapist that reads me a little too well.
- I managed to not get divorced during a period in my relationship in which every fiber of my being said ‘RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!’ That may sound like a silly thing to be proud of, but given my track record and the fact that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, this is HUGE.
- I have conquered most of my irrational fears about public transportation and embraced my logical and rational fears about it.
- I am participating in a practicum, have enrolled in or have taken classes that I previously had no interest in or didn’t want to take because of how uncomfortable they make me. Wahoo! Growth! “real learning begins when we leave our comfort zone….”
- In re: #2, I had reached my critical mass which is also usually an indicator that a divorce is imminent. However, I have managed to cut weight without cutting the relationship. That is fu**ing amazing.
- I ran/walked/died throughout an entire 5k on the hottest day of the year. ‘Nuff said.
- I spoke in front of a group and didn’t die.
- I learned that I can eat meat and lose weight.
- I learned that I can NOT eat cheese and bread and NOT die.
- I have reestablished one of the most important relationships in my whole life, while seeming to lose dependence on another one….this is still being reconciled within.
- I have written more poetry this summer than in the previous 5.
- I have stayed committed to this blog.
I am sure that there are more and I am sure they are much more interesting to me than to you, but maybe something up there can inspire you to change something simple in your world in the quest for a moment of happiness.
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
While I do not claim to be the most rational person, I think on most days I am at least 72% rationale.
There are a few things that despite my rational grownup mind freak me the eff out. In an ongoing attempt to purge irrational fear from my psyche, I offer you this list of my top 11 irrational fears from greatest to least, *handle this knowledge responsibly please*:
- Spider webs. Spiders, not a biggie. Spider webs, touching me or in my line of sight are enough to induce heart palpitations faster than the first time I saw that b**ch on the ring come crawling out the tv.
- The shadow next to the bed. I don’t care how old I get, I jump over that. Period.
- Falling asleep in a car as a passenger. Don’t take it personally, but no. I do not trust you enough to not kill me while I sleep and you drive. Get over it.
- Falling. On purpose, metaphorically, from a ladder, from stairs, from a plane, from a mountain, from a cliff, from a platform with a rubber band tied around my ankles, from a roof, from a beautiful waterfall, from a bridge, whatever. I used to think it was a fear of heights, but I have decided it’s not. It’s the falling I fear 🙂
- White noise hoobie joobie. That movie with Michael Keaton freaked me the eff out. I think it is the combination of watching Poltergeist at entirely too young of an age and then that movie….EEKKKKK
- Being strangled. Odd I know. But I can’t wear turtle necks or chokers or even t shirts that have tight necks. Weird right?
- Cataclysmic apocalypse. Be it caused by natural, alien, zombie, illuminati, political, whodo, voodoo, whatever; I fear it. More than a rationale person should, I suppose.
- The ocean. I dream of swimming underwater with whales and mermaids and fishes, breathing underwater just fine. But sharks and water I cannot see the bottom of in real, waking life, freaks me the eff out. Eff that. There are big freaking things in the ocean!
- Failing in general. At a job, on a quiz, on a crossword, at life in general, as a parent, etc. I fixate on this shit. Try falling asleep without the soothing sounds of Kelly Howell or Eckhart Tolle with this Atlas weight in your brain.
- Repeating my parent’s mistakes. This is probably not as serious of a fear so much as a corrective tool…Everything I do as a parent and a grownup, I try to gauge how my parents would have done it, and how that served or disserved me. Then I act accordingly. It’s only bit me in the ass a couple of times, thus far. But I do fear choosing wrong because I based a judgment of serve vs disserve on my current state of mind and not on the actual result that is still evolving….Does that make any sense outloud?
- Talking in my sleep. I know my dreams. If ever I was to speak while sleeping, I am sure people would have me put away forever. >:)
Ok, ok so I know overall it just seems like totally normal control issues right? RIGHT? I’m normal. Just like every other normally neurotic person.