Tag Archives: goals

Shifting sands and altered plans…

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Shifting sands and altered plans…

Since about April, I have been really evaluating my life and my potential choices; juxtaposing them with the decisions I have made to satiate other people; from parents to romantic partners to my own children. I guess it actually probably started in December;  once the sadness of that failure became more externalized.

But April is really when I started really looking at myself and what I wanted from my life. It was the beginning of the last quarter of my “academic life,” the beginning of really putting energy into getting a “professional” job and realizing what I wanted and needed and accepting what was coming my way.

It was a very humbling and difficult time, but I found the fire again.

Throughout it all, I was able to realize what I wanted; I have looked back through 20 years worth of  journals full of my wants and dreams and thoughts and relationships…and realized that I have often adopted the dreams of my partners…I can do anything and be anyone…It’s a coping skill I suppose…it’s been my resilience, my survival tool set. My gerber…my tweeker toy…ha.

Meh, I digressed into my own head. Anyhow…

Where was I….

Oh yeah…what I want as compared to what I was willing to accept in return for mediocre bootleg versions of love….

Anyway…I am back to knowing what I want. My plans are further inline with what I have wanted since I was 16; minus the inputs of other people’s ideas of what I should be and do. I am going to start this process now, bits by bits…with an eventual time frame of 2-5 years…

I have 28,378,573,850,347,850,375,041,218 books. I am going to read them all again and sell them or give them away. Even the first editions. Even the 1852 “Life among the lowly”. Yep. As much as I love my books, they do nothing but take up room. I have read them all. I will read them again and pay them forward; perhaps someone else can find solace and distraction in them as I have for 28 years.

I am going to pay down my debt until it’s gone so that eventually, in 2-5 years, all I will have is student loans (which hopefully can be paid off and/or forgiven within ten years…).

I have a list of things that scare(d) the fuck out of me from when I was 18 that I wanted to do before I was 21. I am going to start doing them…from swimming  in the ocean to skydiving to going to South America. I am doing them.

I am learning French. Why? I don’t fucking know. But I have always wanted to, so I am going to finish learning it!

I am writing again. Not just this blog. Not just my poems and songs (which I am even playing my guitar again…crazy) but actually working on my stories. Whoa. That’s been a long time coming and I have finally gotten to the point in my life that most of the people I worried about judging me or being angry at me for writing them are no longer people I give a fuck about.

It’s my truth. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. If you think it’s about you, that’s your shit…not mine.

I am going to finish my tattoos; or at least the ones I know I want now. 😉 Bare skin is precious….I am saving room for the rest of my life….

Anyway, one kid will be on his own in 2 years. The other will be on her own in 4ish years and indicates occasionally she may want to finish that with her other parents. I have been really resistant to that but who knows. Maybe she will change her mind later, maybe not. either way, I will no longer feel the need to provide for anyone but myself, it’s been 18 years since I felt that and it will have been 20 at least by the time I am there again.

I have let go of nostalgic friends that I merely kept to remind me of who I was and kept the ones that still fulfill me…the reciprocal relationships that don’t drain me…I have made new friends and established pretty deep relationships with people who have totally surprised me.

I am finally comfortable in my own skin.

Not the skin I wanted them all to see, but my own ACTUAL skin.

The funny thing is the “me” I am finding, is the “me” people have always described; which is ironic…I always thought I had them fooled! I mean, c’mon, Billy? How could you know and I didn’t? Send me a memo next time, I mean shit.

I started out my wanderlusting adolescence with a guitar, a book of poems and a backpack of clothes that weren’t always mine.

I think I might start my neo-wanderlusting midlife that way too.

Huzzah.

xoxo

P.S. Hey Lisa, thanks for reminding me of who I am. ❤

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Summer wrap up!

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Summer wrap up!

Once upon a time, I would do a wrap up “I have learned” type deal every season/school year/end of summer. Now I maybe get one done once a year, just to take stock and evaluate my personal evolution, growth and to check things off my bucket list. This summer, I have done a few items from each of the previous list and I share (albeit some of them vaguely) with you…

  1. I’m back in therapy and the water is good. I have decided to continue working on myself with the aid of a seemingly objective second party. While I enjoy having someone to bounce things off, it’s both alarming and comforting to have found a therapist that reads me a little too well.
  2. I managed to not get divorced during a period in my relationship in which every fiber of my being said ‘RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!’ That may sound like a silly thing to be proud of, but given my track record and the fact that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, this is HUGE.
  3. I have conquered most of my irrational fears about public transportation and embraced my logical and rational fears about it.
  4. I am participating in a practicum, have enrolled in or have taken classes that I previously had no interest in or didn’t want to take because of how uncomfortable they make me. Wahoo! Growth! “real learning begins when we leave our comfort zone….”
  5. In re: #2, I had reached my critical mass which is also usually an indicator that a divorce is imminent. However, I have managed to cut weight without cutting the relationship. That is fu**ing amazing.
  6. I ran/walked/died throughout an entire 5k on the hottest day of the year. ‘Nuff said.
  7. I spoke in front of a group and didn’t die.
  8. I learned that I can eat meat and lose weight.
  9. I learned that I can NOT eat cheese and bread and NOT die.
  10. I have reestablished one of the most important relationships in my whole life, while seeming to lose dependence on another one….this is still being  reconciled within.
  11. I have written more poetry this summer than in the previous 5.
  12. I have stayed committed to this blog.

I am sure that there are more and I am sure they are much more interesting to me than to you, but maybe something up there can inspire you to change something simple in your world in the quest for a moment of happiness.

“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
~Buddha