Relationships are interesting things. In some regards they are utterly necessary for survival and yet other times, are contrary to it. All of our interactions are built around some sort of relationship, be it familial, romantic, platonic, sexual, business, pleasure, some combination, or even the inherent lack of a relationship is a sort of relationship in unto itself.
I have been giving a lot of thought to this thing, “Relationship” in my life; the art of it and the purpose of it. On one hand I find myself constantly in some sort of flux within them, the push and pull, yin and yang of giving and receiving energy in the confines of one. But on the other hand, I variate between desperation for one and frustration because I am in one. And I am not merely speaking of romantic ones, although recently that has been the catalyst of this thought.
I am navigating a path within a relationship I have never been on. One involving separation as a means of keeping some sort of a relationship. It is odd. It is uncomfortable. It is confusing. It is counter-intuitive to everything I have ever thought. It breaks my heart and gives me hope in the same moment. Everyone has heard the tired ol’ cliche if you love something let it go…if it’s yours it will come back, if it doesn’t it never was or however the bullshit goes. Well, I suppose in a healthy unattached view of the world that works to a sense, but in the real life application that means nothing to me.
I have attachment issues. I know that.
I have control issues. I know that.
I probably have borderline personality issues. I am aware, thanks.
I also know that there are things within myself and my relationships that I can affect to get the desired effect….I learned long ago about the relationship between trauma and patterns, brain chemistry and triggers….however it wasn’t until recently that I was ready to hear and understand. It has been a subject of interest in a class of mine and lo and behold, I am at a receptive point in my life wherein I GET it.
I understand how previous experiences influence the list of bad things embedded in my Hippocampus. I understand that this growing list sends all sorts of emergency signals to my Amygdala. I understand why over the years chronic stresses have set my baseline window of tolerance for drama higher.
I get it. That question I have been asking myself lately? Why it seems I dealt with worse shit better in the past? Why these days the slightest thing makes me frozen with fear whereas in the past I was able to act with confidence when looking certain death literally in the eye? It all makes sense.
So now, I am set on a path to reevaluate my own triggers.
Understand that trust IS a verb and a noun.
Love is a verb AND a noun.
I am reprograming my Hippocampus in the best way I can.
I am stepping out of my Limbic, Reptilian brain and into my Vulcan, Prefrontal Cortex as consciously and conscientiously as I can.
Relationships should be fluid. When they aren’t they become unbalanced. Just like a tug of war, if you add more to one side, the other side loses.
Every thing, every feeling, every physical act, every emotional act, is a cycle and a balancing act. I knew this all along.
But now I KNOW it.
Does it make it easier for my internal GPS?
But it makes it less frightening. Giving it a name. Seeing it for what it is, is better.
Thanks for coming on my journey. ツ