Tag Archives: tools

Gratitudinis

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Gratitudinis

I have apparently been not counting my blessings recently and being a little bitch. So I figure I need to put them somewhere so that whatever powers that be can stop punching me in the ovaries.

Rather than feeling sorry for myself re: my effing car sitting on the side of the road with some sort of electrical malady, I must thank and appreciate that I have such amazing friends that they would leave a Father’s Day dinner with their parents who came from San Fran, just to help me out.

Rather than freaking out about the nonrefundable plans I have this weekend and my potential inability to follow through on them because of said mechanical maladies; I must thank and appreciate that those same friends have offered me their extra car to make it happen for no other reason than it is important to me: no questions asked.

Rather than become a hysterical and stereotypical female because I start work tomorrow and my car needs some acupuncture; I must thank and appreciate the fact that my awesome neighbor friend is letting me use their extra car to get to work.

Couple this with the following facts:

  • I didn’t get creamed by a Peterbilt on the side of the road,
  • I have a job,
  • I just got my masters,
  • my health rocks,
  • my kids health rocks,
  • my friends and family came and hung with me for a few days from 120-753 miles away,
  • As if that wasn’t proof enough, they all proved they still love me despite my obvious social ineptitudes at hosting >5 people at a time,
  • Ergo, they kept me liquored up and fed….while leaving the remaining spirits at my house,
  • All of my bills are paid and I have a wee bit of money left over…if this car shit was going to happen, better now than 2 weeks ago,
  • I no longer have the responsibility of an animal I never wanted,
  • I have a nice home and I can afford it,
  • I still have the ability to find humor and hope in my otherwise ovary punching life,
  • I have friends that have secret skills I didn’t know about like being hobby mechanics and owning diagnostic code scanners,
  • Many of my friends own more than one car and trust me enough they allow me to borrow one,
  • I own a car that has never stranded me until today in over 8 years including when I almost totaled it…It still drove away and ran for over a year while I saved up my deductible,
  • I missed my redneck friends and realized I have new ones ;),
  • My car wasn’t injured whilst being towed,
  • I don’t have any problems that aren’t fat white american first world problems,
  • I have pretty fucking amazing friends and family,
  • I officially feel like I have a social support system in this town.

Woo-fucking-saw.

It will be ok.

In fact, everything is already ok.

It’s pretty fucking awesome right now.

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How many tools are missing from your toolbox?

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How many tools are missing from your toolbox?

One of my best lifelong friends and I were having a conversation about being in relationships and trying to raise teenaged children when we basically raised ourselves and don’t have any sort of healthy relationships to model. Honestly, we still don’t. When it comes down to it, everything I know about being in relationships and raising children has come from television or trial and error. We are simply just a generation that is missing tools from our tool box, or maybe we are not able to read the schematics. Maybe it is outdated technology. I don’t know.

Recently, I feel I have learned a lot from my studies, as far as theories and developmental stages; relationship dynamics and the like. But honestly, it’s all been practice. Hopefully, my kids aren’t as effed up as I think I am sometimes. It seems that I try very hard to balance being a friend and an authoritarian with being nurturing and not trying to make them be anything but themselves. I want them to question authority and the status quo, but do what I say, when I say it. Cause I said it. Meh. Sometimes it works. More often than not, someone ends up mad, sad, or both.

The first 10 years of each of my kids lives were relatively easy. I believe it’s a combination of hormones, theirs and mine plus the additional stresses of a regular life plus graduate school that have led to our mutual frustration. But all in all, I think they have it pretty good. Me on the other hand, I feel like a nutcase most of the time. I over think everything and vacillate between being a tyrant, a mama bear and a big sister as my parenting role. Perhaps it comes from my combining Roseanne Conner, Charlie Salinger, and Benny Lopez. If I had to describe my parenting style, it would definitely be like a big sister. Which if you subscribe to the idea that we learn more from our siblings than our parents, great. But if not….

And then there is romantic relationships. Oy. I really, really suck at them. It’s true. Some days I just feel that relationships are a tool themselves to learn from, other times I feel like that is a rationalization of someone who sucks at relationships. I have control problems and get in relationships with people for all the wrong reasons and don’t give things time to develop. I know this. Plus, I am constantly evolving and becoming a different person it seems. Now, this may sound like the rantings of a borderline personality issue, but I have explored that. It’s really not. It’s simply a matter of the fact that I am just starting to get a grip on who I am and who I want to be as an adult.

I grew up really fast and skipped some steps; it left me a completely developed underdeveloped adult. 🙂 And now that I am going back and reexamining and reprocessing those pieces I had to put off in order to survive and adapt, I am finding myself drawn to things and becoming a person I would have argued with you about 16 years ago. C’est La vie.

So what’s the score? How do you cope? Do you just keep on keeping on and let the chips fall where they may? Sigh. Usually I try to be pretty upbeat, funny or proactive about my posts and life in general, but sometimes I am just soooo fucking tired. It’s been a long life.