Tag Archives: the more you know

Things I have learned in the last 5 months….

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Things I have learned in the last 5 months….

I have been trying to remain conscious of the things that I am learning as I go…specifically about myself as I seem to ignore these sorts of things or distract myself with other things…I used to write updates of this sort on Myspace back in the olden days but then life got the best of me and I started being a robot. I don’t think robots remain present very often because there is no future for them so they just go through the motions unless they are adapting programs….You know like Data on STNG?

Anyhoo, I digress.

I would like to remain aware of what I am learning about myself as I enter this phase of my life that I finally feel pretty confident in my ability to navigate my own boat….

  1. I think I am attempting to live off of bread and butter pickles. It’s a thing. I thought it would get old but it hasn’t yet….C’est La Vie.
  2. Given all the freedom in the world and forcing myself to do things outside my comfort zone, I still end up on the left side of the bed. Where I belong. Don’t f*ck with me, it’s my side. 
  3. I really do still like beer when I am not having to anticipate dealing with BS.
  4. I am pretty outgoing; I have thought I was an introvert for a while but it was just the company I was keeping.
  5. I don’t feel like as much of a control freak when there is no drama. I don’t need to be. I am from here on out a DFZ (drama free zone)….anyone family, romantic, friend, whomever is a constant source of drama go away. Thanks Bubye.
  6. Sometimes I feel as though my true authentic self is more like Billy said than the person people know from my school. *shrug* The ones I let in know who I really am….AN ENIGMA muahahahahhahah
  7. I am a good dancer…unless it’s to Bollywood music. You win some, you lose some…
  8. Horses are still an important part of my psyche. I shall have to go riding and soon…It’s a thing. Although I was recently told that my totem animal is a wolf….which makes as much sense as it doesn’t.
  9. I am adaptable, if nothing else. I really hated the “city” so much when I got here, but I have gotten pretty good at navigating it and the people within it.
  10. I am an amazing pretender, role player, etc. In another life I’d have made a great actor/actress.
  11. In the two years since I stopped smoking, I have gained  back two half octaves that’s right for a total of THREE octaves in my range… WINNING….

the-more-you-know-o

 

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Relationships are interesting things. In some regards they are utterly necessary for survival and yet other times, are contrary to it. All of our interactions are built around some sort of relationship, be it familial, romantic, platonic, sexual, business, pleasure, some combination, or even the inherent lack of a relationship is a sort of relationship in unto itself.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this thing, “Relationship” in my life; the art of it and the purpose of it. On one hand I find myself constantly in some sort of flux within them, the push and pull, yin and yang of giving and receiving energy in the confines of one. But on the other hand, I variate between desperation for one and frustration because I am in one. And I am not merely speaking of romantic ones, although recently that has been the catalyst of this thought.

I am navigating a path within a relationship I have never been on. One involving separation as a means of keeping some sort of a relationship. It is odd. It is uncomfortable. It is confusing. It is counter-intuitive to everything I have ever thought. It breaks my heart and gives me hope in the same moment. Everyone has heard the tired ol’  cliche if you love something let it go…if it’s yours it will come back, if it doesn’t it never was or however the bullshit goes. Well, I suppose in a healthy unattached view of the world that works to a sense, but in the real life application that means nothing to me.

I have attachment issues. I know that.

I have control issues. I know that.

I probably have borderline personality issues. I am aware, thanks.

I digress…

I also know that there are things within myself and my relationships that I can affect to get the desired effect….I learned long ago about the relationship between trauma and patterns, brain chemistry and triggers….however it wasn’t until recently that I was ready to hear and understand. It has been a subject of interest in a class of mine and lo and behold, I am at a receptive point in my life wherein I GET it.

I understand how previous experiences influence the list of bad things embedded in my Hippocampus. I understand that this growing list sends all sorts of emergency signals to my Amygdala. I understand why over the years chronic stresses have set my baseline window of tolerance for drama higher.

I get it. That question I have been asking myself lately? Why it seems I dealt with worse shit better in the past? Why these days the slightest thing makes me frozen with fear whereas in the past I was able to act with confidence when looking certain death literally in the eye? It all makes sense.

So now, I am set on a path to reevaluate my own triggers.

Understand that trust IS a verb and a noun.

Love is a verb AND a noun.

I am reprograming my Hippocampus in the best way I can.

I am stepping out of my Limbic, Reptilian brain and into my Vulcan, Prefrontal Cortex as consciously and conscientiously as I can.

Relationships should be fluid. When they aren’t  they become unbalanced. Just like a tug of war, if you add more to one side, the other side loses.

Every thing, every feeling, every physical act, every emotional act, is a cycle and a balancing act. I knew this all along.

But now I KNOW it.

Does it make it easier for my internal GPS?

No.

But it makes it less frightening. Giving it a name. Seeing it for what it is, is better.

Thanks for coming on my journey. ツ

XOXO,

Jani