Over the years I have simultaneously hated and loved moving. As a child, I hated having to lose hard won friends and MY collected items; they were mine! Why should I have to leave them?
As a teenager, I felt empowered in my lack of belongings. Me, my guitar and a backpack of clothes were all I really cared throughout my world. I eventually got some stuff, but found it very easy and cathartic even to get rid of it all and start over. I did this more often than probably seems healthy, even into my young adulthood. But once my kids were old enough to feel as though things were their possessions and express sorrow over letting go of somethings, I began to associate so much of my childhood with the childhood I was creating for them. And then I started keeping things.
Now mind you, I know I joke about being one pile of crap falling over away from being on “hoarders”, but really I am not that bad. I am on the eclectic end of cluttered but I definitely have too much stuff. I try to have a yard sale and get rid of things when I move, but I don’t move very often anymore so it accumulates…and then I panic. It’s the oddest thing.
I find comfort in my stuff and yet, having things makes me panic. I have not quite really figured out the pathology of it. But I know that as soon as things in my world, material and immaterial start piling up my first instinct is to cut and run. I want to move. I want to declutter. I want to start over. I’m bored. I’m safe. It is fucking terrifying.
Over the last few years, I have found that I can stifle the feeling by rearranging furniture. Painting a room something crazy. redecorating. retheming. But it only works for so long. Most landlords don’t enjoy my molesting their properties with paint and featherdusters and anything else I can slather obnoxious colors on the walls with. Then it happens…. I start to get the wanderlust. My feet start to get that familiar itch…I start to fantasize. I start planning my escape.
Does anyone else cope this way? Suffer this way? I can’t be the only one…..
I am rearranging my house right now. 3 rooms at time. Oy. It’s a hot mess up in here….How long will this change placate me?