Tag Archives: spouses

So you wish you were an Empath?

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So you wish you were an Empath?

Beers in the bathtub

My whole life I have been susceptible

To feeling the world move;

Just by being near you,

I FELT.

The enormity of it.

The brevity.

The gravity.

I learned to dissociate;

Separate myself from it.

I put up Pink’s wall

Protected myself.

Learned to shut it out

For fear of being destroyed.

(Or revealed)

I remember back in another life:

Times when thoughts were fleeting

And I understood what Barrie meant

When he said fairies were only big enough

to feel one emotion at a time.

My momentary instances;

Glimpses really…

Perceptions of feelings,

Experiences…

When coherent thoughts

Were meaningless and

When the world;

Reality,

Was too big to contain

In my chest

And I knew

Oh I knew

My heart would explode

From the overwhelming love!

But by grace it would dissipate.

Lucky for me.

And it is echoed now

In the pendulum’s swing-

Such a visceral sadness

In thinking of her.

I feel through you

Such a compounding misery.

My alleged “gift”

Neil was right you know-

“They don’t teach you what to say…”

I grow weaker and weaker trying

To subsume within,

My compartmentalized arks,

Shielded from my sentience.

Fiona said she ‘just wants to feel everything’

Well, she can have it.

Please just take it,

Before I am consumed.

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Say hey there….

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Say hey there….

 

You are welcome.

 

I just needed to remind my dumbass.

What it is supposed to look like:

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What it is supposed to look like:

It was never Disney.

It was never my parents.

It was never, well…mostly never movies….damn you the notebook!….

THIS is the standard I have always sought to attain:

Particularly around 2:30-2:45…..

Yes.

That is the good stuff.

Too bad we know how the story ends.

C’est La Vie.

But for what it is worth, Lindsey Buckingham is by far one of the most underrated guitarists ever….*swoon*

Growth and movement

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Growth and movement

Yesterday was a magical day of acceptance, evolution, good juju and I am pretty sure my personal atomic energy vibration went up a few steps. The following song has been kind of a friend the last couple years and I think I can finally let it go. So I share it with you for closure.

*tip of the hat, wag of the finger*

XOXO

Jani

The Girlchild is officially a Womanchild.

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The Girlchild is officially a Womanchild.

My Girlchild turned 13 recently and boy is she proving to be quite the little wise woman. We went on a mini-road trip this weekend and the Manchild went to a pal’s house after it, leaving she and I to amuse ourselves, and each other. We watched a movie, dyed her hair, cut her hair, got me a new outfit eventually for my impending interview(s), went yard sale-ing (which allowed me to check something off of my list of things I want to do from age nineteen…I bought a typewriter), etc.

But late at night, we talked. She asked questions about my previous life as a Girlchild which led to discussions around my previous life as a Childmother and my evolution out of that into Grownass Womanmother. In my infinite wisdom, I found it helpful to share journals that I have had for what feels like millenia. I wish I had my diaries from when I was her age, but I burned them in an act of rebellion against particular patriarchy. So what we have to work with is journals from age 19 on and poetry from age 12 on. It is a blessing, I never realized.

Mind you some passages involving her father we decided to skip as to not traumatize her 🙂 There are just some things you don’t want to think of your parents thinking.

I was even able to inspire her to start journaling in the hopes that she could share them with her own child or even me someday.

The most amazing part was the wisdom she shared with me at the end of the evening.

She told me, (slightly paraphrasing of course, as I didn’t transcribe her exactly…)

“You seem like you are always doing amazing things when you are single and then you get with these people and then you start trying to fix them, instead of fixing you and following your path. You always take care of other people instead of you. Why do you do that? Why don’t you just fix you and do the amazing things that you start when you don’t have men to fix?”

That is a good question, Womanchild, that is a good damn question.

Out of the mouths of babes, I guess.

 

 

This is the part that I hate…

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This is the part that I hate…

So I have this bad habit of starting sentences with adverbs. Oh well. 🙂

Anyway, I had company this weekend who asked me why I have pictures hanging everywhere of my ex-partner….They wondered if it was an indication that I am still holding out hope to get back together or I am not over them or whatnot. I said no, I just really haven’t had the time to deal with it considering grad school and blah blah blah….

But since they said that, now all I can think of is the task. My eyes go to the pictures of them immediately as I walk by my framed pictures and mosaics…. It’s a pain in the ass. It requires an emotional dissonance and dissociation I am not totally prepared for and yet, I know it needs to be done.

It’s not like I am doing anything better today.

Facebook and Pinterest and homework and the last episode of Spartacus can wait I suppose.

I hate endings.

But I love beginnings. It’s a balance I suppose.

Today could be historic! C’mon Merikah, don’t be a Merkin!

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Today could be historic! C’mon Merikah, don’t be a Merkin!

Today there are old, frightened, white, straight men as the majority of our Supreme Court making decisions for the rest of us….I hope they make them in the best interest of all….toward equality and what is right and just….not maintaining status quo for political bullshit.

Don’t make hate your precedent. Don’t rule for inequality.

Do what Batman would do SCOTUS. Do what Bruce would do. The right thing.

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Disenchantment

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Disenchantment

I am beginning to lose hope in things; most pointedly love. My whole life my dad encouraged me to listen to John Lennon’s words…..”All you need is love….” It’s been a mantra of sorts….But nowadays I am feeling that love is no longer enough. I love things. I love people. And I am miserable and disappointed. I try to look at things in a Buddhist POV, from lots of perspectives really…and I don’t know how to not be disappointed. I can’t do unattached love. Eat Pray Love BS. Love them and let it go?

Boo

I want my happy fucking ending.

I’m about to create it myself.

Screw boys. Screw girls. Screw romantic love.

And today I am grateful…

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And today I am grateful…

For learning experiences that challenge me and fulfill me.

For interactions with people different from me.

For opportunities to give and receive feedback.

For healthy and amazing kids.

For unbroken toes that allow me to walk in ridiculously hot, haute, uncomfortable shoes.

For short months.

For health.

For friends.

For the ability to tell friends I love them and am thinking of them while they go through scary things. (AR you have my thoughts and alllllll my hoobie joobie.)

For friends who tell me they love me and are thinking of me while I go through scary things.

For the ability to learn and grow and understand my childhood and persona.

For the privilege of grad school and student loans.

For stargazer lilies.

For tattooed men.

For tattooed women.

For Kisha, sunflowers and the grateful dead.

For human interaction.

For broken hearts and first loves.

For love.

For hate.

For the capacity to feel both.

For unending lists of things I am grateful for.

For life.

xoxo,

Jani

 

Navigation

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Navigation

Relationships are interesting things. In some regards they are utterly necessary for survival and yet other times, are contrary to it. All of our interactions are built around some sort of relationship, be it familial, romantic, platonic, sexual, business, pleasure, some combination, or even the inherent lack of a relationship is a sort of relationship in unto itself.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this thing, “Relationship” in my life; the art of it and the purpose of it. On one hand I find myself constantly in some sort of flux within them, the push and pull, yin and yang of giving and receiving energy in the confines of one. But on the other hand, I variate between desperation for one and frustration because I am in one. And I am not merely speaking of romantic ones, although recently that has been the catalyst of this thought.

I am navigating a path within a relationship I have never been on. One involving separation as a means of keeping some sort of a relationship. It is odd. It is uncomfortable. It is confusing. It is counter-intuitive to everything I have ever thought. It breaks my heart and gives me hope in the same moment. Everyone has heard the tired ol’  cliche if you love something let it go…if it’s yours it will come back, if it doesn’t it never was or however the bullshit goes. Well, I suppose in a healthy unattached view of the world that works to a sense, but in the real life application that means nothing to me.

I have attachment issues. I know that.

I have control issues. I know that.

I probably have borderline personality issues. I am aware, thanks.

I digress…

I also know that there are things within myself and my relationships that I can affect to get the desired effect….I learned long ago about the relationship between trauma and patterns, brain chemistry and triggers….however it wasn’t until recently that I was ready to hear and understand. It has been a subject of interest in a class of mine and lo and behold, I am at a receptive point in my life wherein I GET it.

I understand how previous experiences influence the list of bad things embedded in my Hippocampus. I understand that this growing list sends all sorts of emergency signals to my Amygdala. I understand why over the years chronic stresses have set my baseline window of tolerance for drama higher.

I get it. That question I have been asking myself lately? Why it seems I dealt with worse shit better in the past? Why these days the slightest thing makes me frozen with fear whereas in the past I was able to act with confidence when looking certain death literally in the eye? It all makes sense.

So now, I am set on a path to reevaluate my own triggers.

Understand that trust IS a verb and a noun.

Love is a verb AND a noun.

I am reprograming my Hippocampus in the best way I can.

I am stepping out of my Limbic, Reptilian brain and into my Vulcan, Prefrontal Cortex as consciously and conscientiously as I can.

Relationships should be fluid. When they aren’t  they become unbalanced. Just like a tug of war, if you add more to one side, the other side loses.

Every thing, every feeling, every physical act, every emotional act, is a cycle and a balancing act. I knew this all along.

But now I KNOW it.

Does it make it easier for my internal GPS?

No.

But it makes it less frightening. Giving it a name. Seeing it for what it is, is better.

Thanks for coming on my journey. ツ

XOXO,

Jani