Tag Archives: relationship problems

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Relationships are interesting things. In some regards they are utterly necessary for survival and yet other times, are contrary to it. All of our interactions are built around some sort of relationship, be it familial, romantic, platonic, sexual, business, pleasure, some combination, or even the inherent lack of a relationship is a sort of relationship in unto itself.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this thing, “Relationship” in my life; the art of it and the purpose of it. On one hand I find myself constantly in some sort of flux within them, the push and pull, yin and yang of giving and receiving energy in the confines of one. But on the other hand, I variate between desperation for one and frustration because I am in one. And I am not merely speaking of romantic ones, although recently that has been the catalyst of this thought.

I am navigating a path within a relationship I have never been on. One involving separation as a means of keeping some sort of a relationship. It is odd. It is uncomfortable. It is confusing. It is counter-intuitive to everything I have ever thought. It breaks my heart and gives me hope in the same moment. Everyone has heard the tired ol’  cliche if you love something let it go…if it’s yours it will come back, if it doesn’t it never was or however the bullshit goes. Well, I suppose in a healthy unattached view of the world that works to a sense, but in the real life application that means nothing to me.

I have attachment issues. I know that.

I have control issues. I know that.

I probably have borderline personality issues. I am aware, thanks.

I digress…

I also know that there are things within myself and my relationships that I can affect to get the desired effect….I learned long ago about the relationship between trauma and patterns, brain chemistry and triggers….however it wasn’t until recently that I was ready to hear and understand. It has been a subject of interest in a class of mine and lo and behold, I am at a receptive point in my life wherein I GET it.

I understand how previous experiences influence the list of bad things embedded in my Hippocampus. I understand that this growing list sends all sorts of emergency signals to my Amygdala. I understand why over the years chronic stresses have set my baseline window of tolerance for drama higher.

I get it. That question I have been asking myself lately? Why it seems I dealt with worse shit better in the past? Why these days the slightest thing makes me frozen with fear whereas in the past I was able to act with confidence when looking certain death literally in the eye? It all makes sense.

So now, I am set on a path to reevaluate my own triggers.

Understand that trust IS a verb and a noun.

Love is a verb AND a noun.

I am reprograming my Hippocampus in the best way I can.

I am stepping out of my Limbic, Reptilian brain and into my Vulcan, Prefrontal Cortex as consciously and conscientiously as I can.

Relationships should be fluid. When they aren’t  they become unbalanced. Just like a tug of war, if you add more to one side, the other side loses.

Every thing, every feeling, every physical act, every emotional act, is a cycle and a balancing act. I knew this all along.

But now I KNOW it.

Does it make it easier for my internal GPS?

No.

But it makes it less frightening. Giving it a name. Seeing it for what it is, is better.

Thanks for coming on my journey. ツ

XOXO,

Jani

Mixed Messages

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Mixed Messages

I always find it odd when someone tells you something and somehow they really mean something else. I find this to be true in all relationships be they familial, romantic, or platonic. I’m sure everyone does it, I myself am admittingly guilty as well.

For example, someone may say “Do you care if I go to _____’s house?” and on the inside I may be saying “NOOOO!!! I have been alone all day stay and fold laundry with me!”

But I don’t.

I say, “Sure, Girl Child, be home by 5.”

Let’s say, hypothetically of course, someone tells you in 38,495,304,570 different ways to get a life, get some friends, start working out (and of course, this doesn’t mean they find you fat or unattractive, they just want you to be “healthy.”), go out, “be free you hippy butterfly,” you start to get the feeling that you are being too codependent or cramping that person’s style. Your mere presence is irritating them. Their lives are affected and effected by your neediness or something, I don’t freaking know.

I digress.

Eventually you choose one of two paths: 1) You do what they have been telling you to do or 2) You eat an entire roll of cookie dough with a raspberry coffee and chocolate milk. and rationalize it was a healthy balanced meal 😉

But when you do choose to DO IT, how can that person be mad at you for it? If that isn’t what they wanted, what did they want?

Speak freely for sweet  ancient baby alien space monkey Jebus’s sake!

In the words of John Mayer, “Say what you need to say.”

I am not a mind reader.

I assume the rest of the world, Sylvia Browne and Alison Dubois aside, are not either.

When you say go away, I assume you mean it.

So when I get confused that somehow instead of someone being happy that I am doing what I need to do and no longer depending on them to entertain me, don’t make it about you again. I did exactly what I was told. BY YOU.

Next time, choose your words more carefully and/or imagine how you will handle the result.

You never know when someone will finally listen, hypothetically.