All visual indications
Nail tips even white
Thought I was the Gallium,
It seems I am the Indium.
Electricity shorts out in tears-
you can’t predict.
I want to be surrounded:
Find myself mixing in
Like T-1000, shapeshifting
All the parts of myself
into a palatable poison.
I make a sufficient version
Of a reflective surface
To provide you foundation
Liquid transistors from
Your quick silver mouth,
Unintentionally spewing mercury.
Not understanding the rise in heat…
As I stretch myself into thin circuits.
While in non-consensual secrecy,
I constantly pour myself out.
Waiting for the reciprocal…
(All the while, knowing the odds)
Praying for a recharge.
Poking keys into outlets-
Waiting for the spark-
(That I known is going to hurt…)
Pressing tiny diodes,
Like perpetual LEDs,
Embedded in fully cured resin.
An unassuming alloy,
Hidden and presented as an ally,
for the moment…
you decide to let me in.
Another crystal lattice,
I should have known better.
(should know better.)
I’ve seen this pattern before.
But here I am,
Tonguing all the nine volts,
Wishing you would just touch me.
I feel myself, disappearing…
I’m not sure…
Not sure how it happened…
It was just an idea:
Based on a memory…
A reverie really;
Of a boy-
A boy with sad eyes,
a piano, and a weight bench…
Now he’s become a man,
with those same hauntingly sad eyes.
But the weight,
Is now upon his shoulders.
And the piano?
The piano is gone,
And the music…
Well, music is a burden,
on his soul…
But he’s full of love,
The fear creates a vacuum…
Nature abhors a vacuum, right?
It’s a heavy realization:
Reflecting on 39 years
You are the most prolific liar in your life…And always have been.
Personally, I can convince myself that everything is true;
“The right choice.”
Rarely am I telling myself the truth-
Especially not in my head.
“Navigator” is an important role…
But so is “Driver”.
Both must give up control of many aspects…
But trust that both intend to arrive at the agreed destination…
Hope; that both travel in the same direction…
at similar speeds…
attitudes and road games can cause wear and tear…
upon both the vehicle and the occupants…
GPS often requires signals that can get lost…
Sometimes you just need to pull over and look at the map.
I’d like to say I’m like Stevie;
“I have no fear and only love…”
But I’d be a liar.
I fear I’m not good enough for you.
I’m afraid I don’t deserve you
Or your grace
Or your love.
And then I hear your voice.
It all melts away.
Everything is clear
And everything makes sense.
All of my decisions made from ignorance,
All of my choices made from desperation…
I pray to sustain the connection
and lose all of my doubt.
Unexpectedly, in my way;
Offering truth and love, for my consideration.
Reciprocating, in my way;
Giving freedom and beauty, for your consideration.
All the things I believed I had brought,
I really came for…
All the things you believed you lacked,
You were really blessed with…
You gave me a lantern.
I gave you the map.
Haven’t done one of these in a couple years. Seems fitting as I am in my 38th year… which is the year I’ve been thinking about since I was 19 years old.
It’s been a wild ride.
And a long life.
Hopefully, I get 38 more years.
1. Codependent is not the same as interdependent… no matter how you package it, some people will never understand the difference.
2. Never take friendships for granted; even after 28 years, they can end without proper maintenance. Even with proper maintenance, people grow apart. That’s ok.
3. There are social contracts that we all must abide by, to some extent. However, any social contract that requires you to be anything but your authentic self (save for concrete moral deviance) can go fuck themselves. This is your life. You probably only get one. Love it. Live it. Choose it. You’re the driver.
4. “Stairway to heaven” really is truth. 🎵“Yes, there are two paths you can go by… But in the long run…There’s still time to change the road you’re on.”🎵 Two paths. Fear or love.
5. If you’re all the way right or all the way left, you can’t see the whole picture. Take a couple steps back and listen.
6. Echo chambers are bad.
7. Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is stop parenting.
8. You can lose/leave most of your things and be happy.
9. Dogs really are better than cats. By a small margin. But still better.
10. Money definitely doesn’t buy happiness. Always choose the job that feeds your soul. If you’re doing things right, someone will feed your belly.
11. When you have enough to feed your belly, feed someone else’s. When you have enough to feed your soul, feed someone else’s.
12. Energy is cyclic. I knew that years ago but I was definitely reminded repeatedly this year. Be mindful of the energy you put out. It’s easy to become comfortable, complacent, and forget.
13. Choose love. Even if it ends badly, you will end up better for it. You can leave with love. You can lead with love. You can heal with love. Always love yourself first. Insert some cliche about airplane oxygen masks.
14. Experiences are better than things. But… sweet gestures are still sweet.
15. Excitement and exuberance count. More than you realize.
16. Gratitude begets gratitude.
17. Douglas Adams really is a genius.
18. You can be aware and understand without co-opting and/or being offended. It really isn’t about you.
19. Except when it is… if you have a boundary, don’t let yourself or anyone else violate it.
20. There is healthy shame and unhealthy shame… learn the difference.
21. People tell you who they are and what they want through actions. You have to listen and watch. They often contradict each other.
22. Timing is everything. Sometimes things circle back around when you’re ready, sometimes they don’t because they were only there for the lesson.
23. The world, and humans, haven’t really changed. Comparisons are moot.
24. You can’t save anyone but yourself.
25. And Hobo Johnson/Frank is a lyrical genius.