Christmas and the whole Christian story of the resurrection always makes me think of zombies. I read a lot about how to survive a zombie apocalypse….I found it highly suspect that the movie “Zombieland” began in Garland, Texas….The town where some of my deepest seated fears began. We moved there when I was really little and only lived there for approximately a year, maybe a year and a half but in that time I was:
- Electrocuted by crawling under my aunt’s bar and sticking keys into an electrical outlet;
- Attacked by red ants;
- Subsequently traumatized by being held down in an ice bath;
Told large black people were gorillas after going to the Dallas zoo and being shown the scary gorillas, when we lived in an apartment complex that I believe had 2 other white families besides us (oh yes, thanks passive aggressively racist family, you were my first lesson in needless hate)Pursuant to a family member’s WRONG assumption that this particular anecdote was about them; I would like to strike the above example to save face for them;
- Pushed down the stairs by my parent’s friend’s daughter wherein I cracked my head open on the rock pad at the bottom;
- Bitten so hard on the stomach by that girl’s brother that 30 years later I still have the teeth scars;
- Was consistently put through windows to unlock the doors at people’s houses, including my own (did no one have keys???);
- Watched “ET”, “Star Wars VI”, “Peter Pan” and “The Wizard of Oz” , truly it is surprising I have never been treated for some sort of neurosis….
- Had my hair which was tied with some crazy fluffy cotton gauzy ribbon stuff get caught in a box fan;
- Had my hamster escape and get into my bed, and my mother’s who has a preternatural fear of rodents, on separate nights;
- Was threatened not to get out of bed in the dark because of “apartment bugs” which bit….turned on the light once to see the biggest roaches ever scatter….I didn’t know what they were until many years later, but i guarantee I never got out of bed after that….;
- Was told (mind you I was 2-3 years old) about the lady of the lake and the copperhead snakes that were in the water and would kill me where we went swimming;
- Went to the set of the tv show “Dallas” and was scared sh*tless by the HUGE buffalo there.
This is just off the top of my head. What the hell were my parents doing? Where were they? GEES.
Wow, what got me started on that? Oh yeah. Zombieland at Garland, Texas.
So. I think in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would first seek out the mormon apocalypse pantries to set myself up with food. Hopefully, I would also have amassed enough guns and ammo to outlast the zombie’s starving, but I am not sure how I would fortify my home….I’m thinking that Will Smith in “I am Legend” had the bomb ass set up. Short of that, I don’t think life would be worth living. I may just sacrifice myself. I pray that when the human created (or nature created, for that matter) virus comes and starts turning us into zombies, it will be kind enough to create photophobic zombies and destroy the use of run on sentences.
How will you survive?
Will you sacrifice yourself?
Praise the walking dead. Merry Christmas. Hallelujah.