Sold two wedding dresses today:
One, unworn and white.
The second; loved yet stained…. with the paint I wore to hide me.
Last remnants of a former self,
Sold to the highest bidder.
Thought I was the Gallium,
It seems I am the Indium.
Electricity shorts out in tears-
you can’t predict.
I want to be surrounded:
Find myself mixing in
Like T-1000, shapeshifting
All the parts of myself
into a palatable poison.
I make a sufficient version
Of a reflective surface
To provide you foundation
Liquid transistors from
Your quick silver mouth,
Unintentionally spewing mercury.
Not understanding the rise in heat…
As I stretch myself into thin circuits.
While in non-consensual secrecy,
I constantly pour myself out.
Waiting for the reciprocal…
(All the while, knowing the odds)
Praying for a recharge.
Poking keys into outlets-
Waiting for the spark-
(That I known is going to hurt…)
Pressing tiny diodes,
Like perpetual LEDs,
Embedded in fully cured resin.
An unassuming alloy,
Hidden and presented as an ally,
for the moment…
you decide to let me in.
Another crystal lattice,
I should have known better.
(should know better.)
I’ve seen this pattern before.
But here I am,
Tonguing all the nine volts,
Wishing you would just touch me.
I feel myself, disappearing…
I’m not sure…
Not sure how it happened…
It was just an idea:
Based on a memory…
A reverie really;
Of a boy-
A boy with sad eyes,
a piano, and a weight bench…
Now he’s become a man,
with those same hauntingly sad eyes.
But the weight,
Is now upon his shoulders.
And the piano?
The piano is gone,
And the music…
Well, music is a burden,
on his soul…
But he’s full of love,
The fear creates a vacuum…
Nature abhors a vacuum, right?
Whenever I try and picture anyone else’s eyes, I can’t.
Never have been able to, despite my great imagination.
Now hands; hands and nails, I remember.
How someone holds a cigarette, touches their lips, wears their rings, or bites their nails; that’s easy.
Even 25 years later, I can still picture some people’s hands.
But their eyes?
I’m ashamed to say, not even my kids
Recreate in my mind’s eye?
I can see them without trying.
I could paint them from memory.
Somehow, this means something.
The known unknown.
It’s a heavy realization:
Reflecting on 39 years
You are the most prolific liar in your life…And always have been.
Personally, I can convince myself that everything is true;
“The right choice.”
Rarely am I telling myself the truth-
Especially not in my head.
“Navigator” is an important role…
But so is “Driver”.
Both must give up control of many aspects…
But trust that both intend to arrive at the agreed destination…
Hope; that both travel in the same direction…
at similar speeds…
attitudes and road games can cause wear and tear…
upon both the vehicle and the occupants…
GPS often requires signals that can get lost…
Sometimes you just need to pull over and look at the map.
Unexpectedly, in my way;
Offering truth and love, for my consideration.
Reciprocating, in my way;
Giving freedom and beauty, for your consideration.
All the things I believed I had brought,
I really came for…
All the things you believed you lacked,
You were really blessed with…
You gave me a lantern.
I gave you the map.