Tag Archives: friendship

How could I forget?

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How could I forget?

How much I love(d) Sarah McLachlan… whilst listening a soul sucking mean social media music provider, this song came on: Drawn to the rhythm and afterward I fell in a rabbit hole. The second CD that I ever bought was ‘fumbling towards ecstasy’. I think I was 13 or 14 and I spent the next few months with it on repeat constantly. I really felt connected to the words/songs and thought that they meant one thing, and I suppose then it did. I listened to the entire album today. I found myself instantly reconnecting. It was like visiting an old friend, one that you held secrets with and wax nostalgic but realize how much you’ve both changed. You realize with age and hindsight your previous way of understanding things are no longer the reality. 

To you at least, everything has changed and you have a hard time remembering what made you love them before, because you didn’t even know then, the things that make you love them now. Ha. Perhaps this doesn’t make anymore sense in written form than it did outloud, but in my mind it was quite a profound thought to me. 

Which led me to the train of thought about sharing things with friends or people you consider to wise, as you respect and value what they think and say. I’ve been having some pretty big contemplations as I’m want to do, as soon as things slow down, become complacent, comfortable (usually during the winter). I started thinking about the people that I would talk to then, and now, and the differences in how I would make decisions based upon what they would say. For example, I need to make a couple big decisions in the very near future and if I asked ten of my “go to people” (ha, ten is a stretch of people I would talk to about things) and how I could anticipate the ten, very different opinions they would give. They would be based on who they are, what they know about me, what they know about the situations, where they are in their own moods, lives, development, maturity, what they could have to gain or lose based on the outcome of the decision, etc. etc. etc.

And like the lyrics and meanings of songs, it’s all up to the listener’s present, their parallels to draw, their position to filter through. 

So how does one make a decision about big things? Do you meditate? Ask your parent? What if that’s not an option? Peers? Siblings? Bosses? Therapist? TAROT for goddess’s sake? (Which again, is just like the lyrics… concrete definitions are applied to the words which communicate the meaning of the song but what is heard and inferred, well… that’s on the listener.)

Who knows. Maybe I just think too much. Just watch the lovely Sarah not trying to guilt you into gifting to the ASPCA. Isn’t she beautiful? Ughhh it kills me. 


Wouldacouldashoulda…welll mayyybe, eh, no.

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Wouldacouldashoulda…welll mayyybe, eh, no.

Sometimes, when I am in the midst of my “what might have beens” I like to think back to what could have been pivotal ages, pivotal choices that in alternate universes may have been diverging points….You know, if I didn’t think that every choice, interaction and the related changes EVERYTHING 🙂 No pressure, choosing white or wheat at Subway of course….Would I go back? Would I make different choices? Would I whisper in my younger selves ear?

Anywhoo….while in a near boiling bath ignoring my very real reality I decided, 14. That is the age of which everything changed for me…gears were already in motion, but I recognized them and deliberately chose another way…All the Tims, TJs, Lisas and Dans, Beckys and Brians…or was it Bryan? hmmmm

It reminded me of a poem I wrote then, in Lisa’s basement, when I lived with them….

-0.5

Too big, too fast

with no way to go back

a yellow childhood

turned to a life of black

No mommy to hold me

a father not there

a child all alone

God it’s not fair

Pray to the heavens

confess all your sins

Don’t you remember?

The nice guy never wins.

A mouth open wide

but you don’t hear me sing

you listen to the melody

but don’t know what I mean

Find a happy medium

somewhere among the gray

If you said you ever loved me

understand my words today.

 

And then I realized, NO. I would never go back then 🙂

14-year-old Jani was surprisingly more effed up than 32-year-old Jani.

 

Maiden Mother Crone

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Maiden Mother Crone

I just had an epiphany while lost in deep near meditative thought (is that an oxymoron? meditative thought….hm). Anyhoo…I realized that since my move to the Pacific Northwest last June, I hadn’t really made any friends. Now partially, this is because I haven’t really tried; it is also a self-imposed-quasi-societal-restraint. I really don’t like many females, never have had many female friends (I’ve dated women, but only long enough to realize I really can’t get along with them) and find myself better friends with males…HOWEVER while in a relationship with a man having old male friends is uncomfortable enough, making new ones is just plain drama.

I don’t care how secure your ‘man” is, you start bringing around new guy friends that aren’t gay and it causes static. At least that has ALWAYS been my experience.

I digress….

What was my point? Oh yes. Females. Women. Girls. Ladies. Chickas. La Feminina…

I haven’t made any new female friends.

That is until recently. Perhaps it is simply the fact that I am in school again and have the opportunities to meet more people or perhaps it is something else. I like to believe that every relationship happens for a reason. Even the bad ones. You learn something about yourself, others, life, whatever. There is a point. When it seems like you have the same relationships over and over, you have somehow MISSED the intended point. So it is presented again in a slightly different albeit similar packaging. Similar enough to be comforting and disarming, different enough to be new and novel. This can happen repeatedly until you get it right and no longer need to attract that same cycle, because you have already mastered it.

Well, in my oxymoronic state as mentioned above, I realized that I am now in the midst of a triad!

A fantastical triad that appeals to my spiritual self.

Maiden. Mother. Crone.

It’s not just a tattoo on my back anymore!

*Now, if the women I am about to talk about actually read this, I hope they are not offended. I am not calling one naive or one old.*

That is not my intent at all so with that caveat lector, let me explain:

The first person I met from my triad, I met this summer at the Cascade Aids Project Aids Walk. We bantered a little, but not much. She is about 8 years younger than I, I think, and married military. No kids. She reminds me of who I think I would have been had I not got married and had kids when I was a kid. She is my maiden. Not because she is naive, but because she is wise and independent and is learning about herself as much as I hope I am finally.

The second person from my triad, I met in a class. She intimidated me but reminded me in energy and spirit of my best friend, Rachael, in Idaho. I was attracted to her and probably freaked her out in the beginning. She is former military, divorced, no kids. She reminds me of who I would have been had I not got married and had kids when I was a kid. She is my crone. Not because she is old, but because she is wise and independent, knows herself as well as I hope to someday.

I, by way of luck, am the mother. I’m right in the middle, divorced then married military, and a mother of a boy child and a girl child. Hopefully there is some reciprocity between us all. I think it is pretty much Kismet that we are all in the same program at such varying stages of our lives.

I also seem to have made a few other female friends in the last couple weeks just by following my gut, including my newest neighbor that was looking at a different house and I kinda went out on a limb and showed her a different house, completely unsolicited. I am excited to start having block parties.

I have never made female friends so easily. I am growing! YAY!

I’m attracting all sorts of feminine energy into my world….

Whoda thunk.